My estranged son sent me a text today.....

Colleen

Colleen

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
I've posted about my "relationship" with my son before. He started drifting away when he was in high school. He'll be 50 in July. It's sad but it's been his choice not to keep in touch with me over the years.

I haven't heard from him since October when I let him know my husband (not his bio father) had passed away. He lives about 40 miles from me so it's not like when I lived in AZ and he's here in PA so he had an excuse that he couldn't see me because I was 2000 miles away.

I never heard from him on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He's never even texted me to see if I'm OK or if I needed any help with anything. His silence over the years has spoken volumes about his feelings for me.

Today, I got a text from him. It said, "I know I've been a shitty son, but I want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I hope you are doing better."

I'm not sure I want to answer him. Part of me would like to unload on him but what would be accomplished in that? The other part of me thinks I should just let it go and get on with my life. I know what my late husband would say.....let it go.
 

I agree, accept the apology, and let him know that you will always love him. Whatever motivated his text, it seems to me like he wants to have a better relationship with you.
Sometimes, it takes baby steps. No one can change the past, but we can try to make the future better and go from there.
 
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Pepper said:
Send him the following text, please:

I love you.

No more, no less, leave ball in his court.

Answer him, Please.
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Agree with Pepper, HFL, Birdy & Bingo.

Let the old road remain behind you and start afresh. No need or requests for rehashing, apologies, explanations, etc. If you want him in your life, the only way to do so is to forgive (silently) and move forward.
 
Many people re-examine there life choices, behaviors when in their 50s/60s. So he may be 'testing' the waters to see if reconciliation possible. Some people have a harder time reaching out when they realize they were wrong than when they are the wronged.

If you do respond, i'd recommend keeping it as brief and to the point as his message. If he as family of his own i'd express hopes they are all well. Enough that if he truly wants reconciliation...he'll reach out again. If he has kids be sure to text him 'Fathers Day' wishes in June even if you haven't heard again by then. Years of silence can't be 'all better' overnight, especially when you're still dealing with your feelings about it.
 
feywon said:
Many people re-examine there life choices, behaviors when in their 50s/60s. So he may be 'testing' the waters to see if reconciliation possible. Some people have a harder time reaching out when they realize they were wrong than when they are the wronged.

If you do respond, i'd recommend keeping it as brief and to the point as his message. If he as family of his own i'd express hopes they are all well. Enough that if he truly wants reconciliation...he'll reach out again. If he has kids be sure to text him 'Fathers Day' wishes in June even if you haven't heard again by then. Years of silence can't be 'all better' overnight, especially when you're still dealing with your feelings about it.
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Good advice from all of you. I just sent him a brief text. Told him I miss him and I love him. The ball is in his court. He doesn't have children.
 
Pepper said:
Send him the following text, please:

I love you.

No more, no less, leave ball in his court.

Answer him, Please.
Click to expand...
I agree with Pepper. He acknowledges he has been a shitty son, for him to reach out took some courage. Maybe he is taking a step toward reconciliation, maybe not, but today, right now, the ball is in your court. Do you want to punish him or hug him?
 
There is always a good time to mend fences, and that's when the opportunity presents itself.

Personal story: I ran into my estranged adopted daughter at my son's destination wedding in Mexico, I was quite emotional because I knew she was in the crowd. When we came face to face I said "I love you"...she said "I love you too" back. We hung out on several occasions during the week, didn't get too deep into "ancient history". That helped heal the decades long hurt.
 
Nathan said:
There is always a good time to mend fences, and that's when the opportunity presents itself.

Personal story: I ran into my estranged adopted daughter at my son's destination wedding in Mexico, I was quite emotional because I knew she was in the crowd. When we came face to face I said "I love you"...she said "I love you too" back. We hung out on several occasions during the week, didn't get too deep into "ancient history". That helped heal the decades long hurt.
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She's the one you disinherited, right?
 
Colleen said:
I've posted about my "relationship" with my son before. He started drifting away when he was in high school. He'll be 50 in July. It's sad but it's been his choice not to keep in touch with me over the years
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@Colleen

I .....was....that ....son

I initiated contact
They all (and there were many) forgave me with open arms

There was much healing in those few words
Many tears

I never cry

But, as in everything, there are exceptions
One was visiting my schizophrenic son in prison
Seeing him bound head to toe
Incognizant

The only other time was when I reached out to the many I hurt

Tears of joy on my part
Tears of love on theirs

There are many gifts in this life
A few are without price
Your son's text is one of those
 
I had 2 sons and then a daughter and then my wife left. I got a divorce and all 3 kids when my daughter was only 9 months old.

Maud was the cutest, fun-est, most precious little girl on earth ...and then she turned 13. She went into this emo phase, cut off her gorgeous hair and dyed it black, hated every woman I dated... It was the worst, man. And she stayed mad at me for like 20 years. Moved to LA so she wouldn't have to see me or whatever.

And then suddenly, like 5 years ago, she came up on Father's Day and took me out for lunch, she'd made an appointment at a portrait studio and we did that....and it was like those 20 years never happened. And my only thought was "I'm takin' it!" Her terms, but so be it. My little girl is back and I love her just as much as I ever did.
 
This has happened so many times. I always respond (lovingly) and then I don't hear from him in months/years. I've tried to keep a conversation going in the past but I got short answers and then no answers. I've always had my suspicions that it isn't really him that's "talking" to me. His words don't sound like him. I might be wrong, but I think it's his girlfriend that he's lived with for over 20 years. IDK.
 

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