My guy proposed ... now what do I do?

Ronni said:
Facts, anecdotal info, opinions, others' experiences, books on the subject...they're all valid sources of information.
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I agree. When you find out other people's take on your situation, it gives you a 360 degree view of it. Then, you can make a better decision based on your priorities and values. Lots of times when reading these posters's replies I read angles that I never even considered. It's really eye-opening and most of the posters offer their unbiased opinions based on their experiences in life. It's a win-win!
 

I'll throw in my two cents worth. I read your comment about an engagement and realised that my relationship is actually an engagement, a really loooong engagement. LOL I was asked if I wanted to marry over 20 years ago, I said yes back then, we picked out a lovely engagement ring and then .... nothing. I'm not sure what happened, there were times when he wanted to go ahead with it, and times when I wanted to go ahead with it, but we never seemed to want that at the same time.

So here we are, more than 20 years later still together, sharing a life (and a house) and I had more or less forgotten about the 'engagement' bit. We are a defacto couple in the eyes of the Guv'mint in regards to pensions etc. He refers to me as his wife, I'm more inclined to refer to him as my partner, so obviously I am aware of the distinction, but I guess it works for us. I'm a great believer in 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' so I guess this is where it will stay for us.

I see you were thinking along those lines, and just wanted to say that it can work. I guess it's still a commitment of sorts and if you are both happy with it, that's really all that matters.
 
One thing you have to remember, Leonie, is that if you're still together after 20 years without the benefit of a legal piece of paper, that means that you REALLY love each other. It's a a compliment to each other, really, because you each can walk away anytime but still stay, whereas married couples mostly stay because they dread the legal and personal and expensive and lengthy mess of having to get a divorce.
 

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PVC said:
I agree. When you find out other people's take on your situation, it gives you a 360 degree view of it. Then, you can make a better decision based on your priorities and values. Lots of times when reading these posters's replies I read angles that I never even considered. It's really eye-opening and most of the posters offer their unbiased opinions based on their experiences in life. It's a win-win!
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This! Exactly! That's why when I feel like I need more information, I'll go to every source available to me to get that 360 degree view!

Quite a few responses which is what you were asking for. Which if any helped you form a decision? Or are you still thinking about it?
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Knight, there were so many snippets of so many posts that helped me, it's impossible to narrow down exactly what! But even the things I disagreed with helped clarify the situation for me. Thinking "Well, that's sure not the way *I* feel!" when I realized I disagreed with someone's take, was just as helpful in its way as those responses that had me nodding along enthusiastically!

We agreed that as a first step we'll just be engaged, as a stand-alone thing. We'll just do that. Leonie I think has had a 20 year long engagement!! Maybe that will be us. :) Or maybe in a year it will go in a different direction. Who knows? But right now, I know I want to continue a committed relationship with this man, and I like the idea of an engagement to celebrate that fact, and he's all for it, so that's the direction we're going.
 
Ronni, I'm a bit late to this party but will offer some advice anyway. If I were facing your decision at this stage of life I'd first set aside the emotional components using a list of pros and cons. Would marriage improve or erode either of your financial situations with respect to taxes, pensions, SS, etc? Presuming one of you eventually predeceased the other, how would the survivor's finances be affected? What would be your liabilities in case of a health catastrophe?

If he solely owns the home where you're both living it might be time to figure something out should he die first, regardless of your marital status. He surely wouldn't want there to be a possibility that you'd be out on the street in 30 days, I'm sure. Regardless how well your children accept a new partner things can - and often do - go sideways after a parent's death. Whether you marry or not it's time to have financial discussions and hire a good lawyer to draw up your wills, putting the disposition of the house and your various (separate and combined) assets in writing.

I've been very happily married for nearly 40 years, so I am in favor of marriage. That said, should something happen to my husband or me, the other would be very unlikely to remarry even if we found new loves or companions. As others have stated above, there are different things to consider when marrying in one's 20s - 40s versus marrying as a senior.

Wishing you the best...
SS
 
Pookie said:
I'd be saying, "Hey, can I help you find a ring?"
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That's my impulse too Pookie!!! But he's very traditional in that regard, and wants to find something FOR me, which he will then present TO me, rather than us shopping together! He's made it clear that if I don't like it, I am free to say so and he'll keep looking. I know him well enough at this point that I know he's sincere, his feelings won't be hurt, and he'll do just that. He's already asked me a number of questions about what I like vs what i dislike, so I know at least that he's heading in the right direction.
 
StarSong said:
Ronni, I'm a bit late to this party but will offer some advice anyway. If I were facing your decision at this stage of life I'd first set aside the emotional components using a list of pros and cons. Would marriage improve or erode either of your financial situations with respect to taxes, pensions, SS, etc? Presuming one of you eventually predeceased the other, how would the survivor's finances be affected? What would be your liabilities in case of a health catastrophe?

If he solely owns the home where you're both living it might be time to figure something out should he die first, regardless of your marital status. He surely wouldn't want there to be a possibility that you'd be out on the street in 30 days, I'm sure. Regardless how well your children accept a new partner things can - and often do - go sideways after a parent's death. Whether you marry or not it's time to have financial discussions and hire a good lawyer to draw up your wills, putting the disposition of the house and your various (separate and combined) assets in writing.

I've been very happily married for nearly 40 years, so I am in favor of marriage. That said, should something happen to my husband or me, the other would be very unlikely to remarry even if we found new loves or companions. As others have stated above, there are different things to consider when marrying in one's 20s - 40s versus marrying as a senior.

Wishing you the best...
SS
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Thanks so much SS. These are all very appropriate suggestions. We've touched on various of these things, though nothing definitive has been decided or done yet. I hadn't even thought about the liabilities to either of us if there were a health crisis so thanks for that. Honestly I've been more focused on slight changes he needs to make to his house to make it mobility friendly should one or the other of us end up with mobility issues. He owns his own construction business so it's not a big deal for him to tackle that. We're both in excellent health, but I know how quickly that can go sideways at our age, so the health crisis issue is a valid point.
 
Ronni, another possibility is a marriage that doesn't change your legal status. There are ministers and other officiants who will gladly perform your ceremony without registering the information with the state. They leave that step up to you. You can follow through with the paperwork or not, your choice. I know a number of seniors who opted for this compromise.
 
I have a friend and she's moved away so I don't know how they are doing, but her guy wanted marriage and they opted for a commitment ceremony at their Unitarian Church. This had no legal papers involved...and they both wanted to keep their properties as they both have children as heirs. I know his health was an issue so I don't know how they are doing but I know I'd not go that route, just me love my freedom. And really don't want to take care of someone, when I was young I guess I would have and did, but I read too many in Caregivers groups, and omg...
 
Re just post #31
Ronni, if it were me in your situation and I had a house (that I liked) I would keep and rent it out and go live with Ron. Then, when he dies or the relationship ends, you still have a house to go live in. I think it's very unfair to the children to leave them a house with the obligation of letting the wife/girlfriend live in it forever. You may have a great relationship with his kids now, but nothing ever stays the same forever. They might want to sell the house and split the proceeds and resent having to keep you as a forever tenant and still be responsible for the upkeep of the house and other house-owning headaches. I'm sure you would not do that, but some women/men in that situation might let a lover move in and trash the property and there would be no recourse for the inheriting children. If Ron wants to will you some of the house, he could specify that you and his children inherit an equal amount of the value of the house, instead of leaving his children responsible for your housing needs after he dies.
 
i agree above -- why do u need to marry ask yourself ' u love him visa versa -who needs the paper ; keep your home for a start '
there is no gaurantees in this life - become lovers and friends be happy ' live together ' the paper cert wont make u any happier !
 
I know for sure that if the Spousal Equivalent died tomorrow, his sons would have me out of the house before I could get my breath. It's just a fact of life, and I'm OK with it. At this point of my life, I wouldn't want to be tied down with property I had to take care of. I would leave the area quickly, so it's OK. I have the money to provide for myself if needed. I don't get anything from him and in return, he doesn't get anything from me.
 
At our age my advice is don't get into anything you can't get out of easily. I say forget about getting married. Just hang out as long as it's good. Then if it turns bad, you can just walk away.

 
PVC said:
Re just post #31
Ronni, if it were me in your situation and I had a house (that I liked) I would keep and rent it out and go live with Ron. Then, when he dies or the relationship ends, you still have a house to go live in. I think it's very unfair to the children to leave them a house with the obligation of letting the wife/girlfriend live in it forever. You may have a great relationship with his kids now, but nothing ever stays the same forever. They might want to sell the house and split the proceeds and resent having to keep you as a forever tenant and still be responsible for the upkeep of the house and other house-owning headaches. I'm sure you would not do that, but some women/men in that situation might let a lover move in and trash the property and there would be no recourse for the inheriting children.
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Sadly, I don't own my own home. My ex's abuse included financial abuse, so I spent my life trying to solve our financial problems. He completely maxed out the credit cards we had, opened more I didn't know about, lost several houses over the course of our 30+ year marriage, even overdrew at the bank so many times that we couldn't even get a checking account after a while. My credit was in the toilet for the longest time. He was perfectly capable of earning a 6 figure income, and did.....up until he decided that he was worth more, or that "they're a$$holes" or some other drivel, and walked off the job. OR he was so rude and derogatory to the people he worked with that he was fired, even though the work he did was superlative. He's won awards for his ad designs etc., he was gifted and perfectly capable, just could not and would not play nicely with others!! So much of the time I was scrambling to find any kind of work to cover the basics, and would have to dip into savings to feed the family. Enough of that kind of scrambling over the course of our time together, and I ended up with NOTHING financially.

Anyway, it's taken me years to pay off the debts that he accumulated (most were in my name because his credit was bad and mine wasn't) and it's only very recently that I have become almost debt free. I'm slowly rebuilding my credit, but meanwhile I don't own any property. So giving up my house isn't a thing, because I don't have one!!! Not many folks my age are at such a low ebb financially, and it sucks, but I'm plugging along.

He's talked about leaving me the house, wanting to change his will etc., but I honestly don't want to stay in his house if he dies before I do. I don't want the upkeep or the responsibility. I would move as quickly as I could to something smaller, maybe some senior community or whatever. Or move in with one of my kids...two of them have mother in law suites and both of them keep trying to get me to move in with them, but I'm too damn independent haha! :D

If Ron wants to will you some of the house, he could specify that you and his children inherit an equal amount of the value of the house, instead of leaving his children responsible for your housing needs after he dies.
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This is an excellent idea!!! I'd so much rather his kids get whatever they can out of the house, especially because I don't want the responsibility, but I also wouldn't say no to receiving some financial benefit, just not the physical ownership.

There's a lot for us to talk about and sort out, so I don't know how this will play out, but I love getting these perspectives because it gives me new angles to look at!
 
Ronni, your former husband and marriage sounds just like my daughter's former life. He sounds just like my former son-in-law. He even started taking blank checks from the middle of the checkbook and then my daughter would get overdrawn fees. She then gave me her checkbooks to hold for her and just kept a few checks to use. She finally threw in the towel on the marriage and divorced him, with nothing to her name and her credit in shreds. Sorry for what you went through.
 
PVC said:
Ronni, your former husband and marriage sounds just like my daughter's former life. He sounds just like my former son-in-law. He even started taking blank checks from the middle of the checkbook and then my daughter would get overdrawn fees. She then gave me her checkbooks to hold for her and just kept a few checks to use. She finally threw in the towel on the marriage and divorced him, with nothing to her name and her credit in shreds. Sorry for what you went through.
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I am so sorry about your daughter! :( Having lived it, I know what hell it is. Thanks for understanding.

I was so traditional about marriage, having had it modeled for me by my Ozzie and Harriet style 50's parents. You were a dutiful wife, you supported your husband, you were loyal, etc. My parents' marriage as far as I know was good. They loved each other, Dad was definitely the boss, but not in a controlling or abusive way. They were together for 50+ years. That's what I thought I was doing, being a good wife, working on my marriage, and as it devolved, buying into the idea that it was all my fault, that I needed to work harder, if I could just do this or that right, or better, or at all, things would go much more smoothly. Plus there were kids, and I was very dedicated to keeping the family together for them. It took me a long time to see the light, and I've sometimes been criticized for that. But I've also spent a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of time educating myself about the dynamic of abuse and the psychology of the abuser, and when you're as controlled and dominated as I was, and so completely isolated, that you come to accept your life as "normal" however AB-normal it actually is.

There are many women who NEVER leave. I'm glad I did, even as long as it took me. My life and the lives of my children are so much better for it. They have no contact with their father, we're not even sure where he is at this point. He doesn't have much interest in these children he fathered or being a grandfather to his 10 grandkids. Ron is more grandpa to my grandkids than my ex is.

I hate the negative impact my ex is still having on my life in terms of my credit, my inability to retire because of finances, being a senior and still owning basically nothing. On the other hand, I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I'd stayed with him. No matter what, my life is incomparably improved being away from him.

Well, didn't mean to go off on that topic lol! I'm glad your daughter is OK PVC. <3
 
Trade said:
At our age my advice is don't get into anything you can't get out of easily. I say forget about getting married. Just hang out as long as it's good. Then if it turns bad, you can just walk away.
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I completely agree.

You're not going to create a family nor form a political alliance that would affect nations.

No reason to marry.
 


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