My husbands dying and my daughter won't help

debbie in seattle

debbie in seattle

Senior Member
Location
Seattle
My husband has perhaps a year left to live, if lucky. She and I are estranged, she owes me $250,000 and when the money was due, she 'couldn't afford to pay me'. I cut her off financially. No fights, nothing like that to preserve our family. Since that time, she has blamed me for every bad decision in her life she made. She sees my husband perhaps every 6 weeks and has him (he's 70) drive to Seattle for lunch. He has asked to die at home, I have agreed. She refuses to come to our home if I'm here and will not help with him if I'm here. This is about as stupid as one can get, like I'm leaving my home to allow her to visit. We have no one else around, I'm on my own.
Opinions?
 

Only you can decide what to do here. Perhaps it is time to sit down calmly and think what is most important for you right now. Then think about your husband and what is important to him.

If he is willing to drive to see your daughter every six weeks, perhaps he would like to continue to see her when he is no longer able to make the journey.

Is there some way you can facilitate their meetings without sacrificing something that is very important to you? I am thinking that you and your husband have a lot to talk about right now and this is something else that you need examine between you.

I guess what I am trying to say in a very roundabout way is that while you may not feel like giving in to an unreasonable request from your daughter for her sake, perhaps you might consider it for his. Talk to him while you still can.
 
When your husband cannot drive any longer to visit her I would make it plain to her that she was welcome to visit him at your home with you in another room. If that's not her wish then so be it. Consider the loan a gift and forget about it. If she does not care enough about her dad than that then accept it and make the most of the time you have left with your husband. Just let her go and maybe some day she will grow up and regret the time she did not spend with her dad. Its her loss. Take advantage of the time you have left with your husband.
 

debbie in seattle said:
My husband has perhaps a year left to live, if lucky. She and I are estranged, she owes me $250,000 and when the money was due, she 'couldn't afford to pay me'. I cut her off financially. No fights, nothing like that to preserve our family. Since that time, she has blamed me for every bad decision in her life she made. She sees my husband perhaps every 6 weeks and has him (he's 70) drive to Seattle for lunch. He has asked to die at home, I have agreed. She refuses to come to our home if I'm here and will not help with him if I'm here. This is about as stupid as one can get, like I'm leaving my home to allow her to visit. We have no one else around, I'm on my own.
Opinions?
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I'm with you Debbie...I would not leave my home nor would I excuse myself to another room for her to visit. This is your home, your house rules, and the caretaker of your husband. As a caretaker, you do not need the added stress of your daughters demands. If she refuses to come to your home because you are there, it will be her loss, not yours. Do what is right for you and your husband and stop worrying about what your daughter wants.

I'm sure there must be some organization by you, like visiting nurses that could help if you need it. That, I would check into.
 
I'm so sorry that you and your family are faced with this heartbreaking situation. Be true to yourself. Do what you - in your heart - feel is right for you and your husband. Only you can know what the right thing is.
 
I am also so sorry about your dilemma. I would assume Hospice will come in to help. Sometimes they can counsel in situations like this.

I understand how you feel about not giving in to daughter's demands that you not be in your own home IF she comes to visit her father in the future.

This may not even occur.

I guess I would try to project my thoughts forward- after all is said and done, will it be very important to you that you did what was best for your husband? Only you know what really matters to him.

Call Hospice. You can't be alone with this. My heart goes out to you.
 
Talk with your husband, Deb, and determine how important it is to HIM to see his daughter. If it would make his last days easier to get to see her, then take the higher road and let him see her no matter the circumstances. You won't regret it in the long run. It sounds like your relationship with your daughter is permanently damaged, but it's guaranteed that it will be completely broken if she feels she was kept from her father. I know it's not fair to you, believe me, I know that, and my heart goes out to you.

In the long run, you have to live with your actions and she has to live with hers. You know you'll never see that $250,000 again; she has to live with that over her head forever. Let go of it and move onto making your husband's last days the best you can......again, you won't regret it.
 
I bet there's a lot of people who have read this, and have put off posting like I did, simply because it's so shocking they just don't know what to say to you Debbie that would be of any comfort .... This is horrendous for you.. I have no words of advice, ...the dreadful sadness of suffering along with your husband in his last few months of life...wanting to take the greatest care of him, and having to also deal with your daughters' dreadful attitude towards you, while knowing all the while that your husband wants to be able to see his daughter while he still can... yet she's treating you so badly while you're going through this horrible, fearful time in both of your lives... just beggars belief. I just have no words...

I wish you lived nearer here, I'd help you in every way I could.

I only hope and pray in some way this can be resolved before your dear husband passes..
 
Thanks everyone. My husband has said this is OUR home and I'm not going anywhere. I'm shocked. I'm angry. I'm embarrassed that we've raised someone like this. Yes, it is her loss. She's 43 and not some teenager. My husband and I are dealing with so, so much and to have to deal with this immature attitude? I'm so stressed I can't even decide what we'll have for dinner anymore. The end of the month we'll be faced with the decision of his lung being removed or chemo, but the end result is the same, he will die, his cancer is incurable (Mesothelioma). In my heart, if her behavior is such that she leaves us here alone with no help, the relationship will never be repaired. Neither my husband nor I need this.
 
Ok, your husband does not want you to leave the house if daughter shows up. I would adhere to his wishes. It's easy for me to say "To hell with her", but I know she is breaking your heart. Stand firm. We're here for you to talk to.
 
debbie in seattle said:
Thanks everyone. My husband has said this is OUR home and I'm not going anywhere. I'm shocked. I'm angry. I'm embarrassed that we've raised someone like this. Yes, it is her loss. She's 43 and not some teenager. My husband and I are dealing with so, so much and to have to deal with this immature attitude? I'm so stressed I can't even decide what we'll have for dinner anymore. The end of the month we'll be faced with the decision of his lung being removed or chemo, but the end result is the same, he will die, his cancer is incurable (Mesothelioma). In my heart, if her behavior is such that she leaves us here alone with no help, the relationship will never be repaired. Neither my husband nor I need this.
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Your husband has your back,and I say good for him! That is his job. It truly shows his true love and devotion to you. Your daughter is in the wrong here-she stiffed you,and not for a piddly amount either. None of my business,but did she buy a house with that money? Or was it invested in something that failed and she really has no hope of ever paying it back? In any case,she is in the wrong and if she wants to see her dad,she can just put on her big girl panties,suck it up and come to see him. If not,it is her loss.
 
Debbie,first off, I am so sorry you are having to go through this with your daughter on top of everything else. Secondly, I believe you are doing the absolute right thing.

IMHO, it is beyond rude, callous and disrespectful for your daughter to insist you leave the home when she is there. Seeing her father must not mean much to her.
 
I agree with others that you should both let her know that she is welcome in your home and leave it up to her.

People handle these situations differently and some people are terrified to be with a parent or close friend that has a terminal illness. The one thing I'm sure of is that she will regret it if she does not visit her father before it's too late.

Please, as RadishRose mentioned, talk to the folks at your local hospice to see what help they can offer to you during this difficult time.
 
I know it's probably difficult but I would try and put your feelings aside for the time being and ask your husband what he prefers and try to do that. If he wants to see his daughter despite her demands that you not be present, then I think I would let them have time together despite her being unreasonable. I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through.
 
The time you have left with your husband needs to be filled with love and fond memories... not spoiled by an immature adult child. You are not responsible for your daughter's attitude. She should not be able to infringe on those final days... but she will. Do your best to become as involved with your husband and your community, trying to focus on things other than the daughter. Begin some volunteer work outside the home where you can have interaction with others.

Being good friends with a funeral director, please review all your "end of life" paperwork. Make certain you and your husband's wills are very explicit as to what role this daughter will play in claim to any of your estate(s). The "loan" needs noted in final documents so if she attempts to file a claim against the estate it's not your word against hers. So many families fight tooth and nail during the time they should be supporting each other. And, those conflicts are most generally over money. Working through the grief of losing your husband, you don't need the stress of litigation she might file against the estate.

Stay strong. Hug your husband each and every day you have left. Not one of us can feel what you are feeling. All we can do is do our best to send you good thoughts!!!
 
I am sorry to hear this. I wish you well.
 

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