My uncertain future, and potential choices

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
Ron’s cancer diagnosis has caused us to closely examine the future, and what that landscape would look like if he were no longer around. Please understand, we’re not being morbid, we’re both practical, pragmatic people and so we’re forward-thinking potential outcomes and choices.

The biggest question we’ve tossed around is should I keep the house? It’s fully paid for so I could buy something else outright. My emotional driven decision is no, hell no! I don’t want to be surrounded by memories that would just trigger the loss, so I wouldn’t want to continue living in it if Ron’s no longer around to share the space with me.

The practical decision is yes I should keep it. It’s fully paid for, utilities are low. It’s close to work and the kids and it’s only eight years old so there isn’t too much chance of anything major going wrong with it in the foreseeable future. Enough in the bank to be able to replace an HVAC unit, refrigerator, that kind of thing and still have a financial cushion.

Plus he has all kinds of carpentry projects and small renovations he wants to do on the house, but won’t do them if I’m going to sell it. They won’t increase the house value, so he doesn’t want to spend the time or money if I don’t plan to stay.

He recently bought a newer truck. He still has his old one, which works and is fully paid for, just feeling its age a bit and exhibiting some issues. The newer one comes with a car payment, so maybe we should sell it and get rid of that payment? We need a truck to haul the 4 wheeler around, and we have no plans to stop wheelin’ through the mud 🤣 for as long as he’s able, so he’s tossing that decision around.

We’ve also tried to just continue forward with life, leaving his potential demise out of any and all decisions as we move forward. It hasn’t worked very well because we’re both just too realistic and practical to be able to ignore the elephant in the room! 🤣

And no, for those of you who’ve followed his cancer story from the beginning, he’s not at death’s door. But we also know that these hormone and immunotherapy treatments and infusions will at some point stop working. His cancer, though treatable, isn’t curable, the doc has made that clear.

Hence uncertain future. 🤷‍♀️
 
We have a similar situation. Misa will most likely outlive me,p so we have been preparing for a future where she will stay here on the farm, but there is a lot to fix and plan for her being here alone. We/she has some close friends that can help her with the hard stuff, which is great. We are about 20 miles from town and we have a truck and car in average shape. Like you, I feel a little strange putting together our last chapter here on the good earth, but it too is the elephant in the room.

All the best to you and Ron! :)
 
Last spring in the early days of my wife's hospital stay before it was determined exactly what she had, her attending dr. said to me that they weren't sure if she'd ever leave the hospital, and because of that only wanted to do things for her, not to her.

In the time period between that conversation and when her test results came back 4-5 days later I thought about a lot of things. It's good that you can both discuss the subject and mull over your options at this point without the added pressure of immediateness.

Best to you both.
 
I would eventually sell the new truck if you don’t need it for the trailer, but maybe not share this decision with your husband right now unless he takes the lead on the decision. As a retired person you can get by with older paid-for vehicles provided you always have a spare to drive when one needs servicing or repairs. A 4 wheeler does not take too much of a truck to pull it so your old one might still work fine for this.

As far as the house goes, keep it if it works for you as far as repairs, upkeep, mobility issues and any other issues goes. I know for us my wife would have a tough time keeping our older home, driveway, and lawn up without me.
 
Practical & enjoying life comes out strong in your post. Having the financial end covered for whatever may fail in the home you have now is excellent. 4 wheeling is a shared experience that needs to continue.

Our situation pretty much mirrors yours. I'm older & don't know when or how just that realistically I will go 1st. The emotional aspect of living with memories made in your home not easy to deal with. We've talked about that and decided that my wife having the option to sell or stay can be decided as circumstances warrant.

The newer truck with payments. Depends on how you feel about 4 wheeling & if you decide to move. Practical would be what would work best? Sell the older truck the trailer & 4 wheeler to pay off the new truck. That can only be decided later when you have a better understanding of your needs.

We've talked about those kind of issues & included our sons in what might be. Not morbid to talk about the reality that faces us all. Maybe those not wanting to face reality will read these posts & realize that it is kinder to have those remaining know what to expect & not have to deal with the unknown of our last wishes.
 
So, Ronni...starightforward question.... if I may..........🤗

if Ron , you and the medical team have decided Ron is NOT at deaths' door.. thank goodness.. then why won't he do the small job he has lined up ?

It's little bit like any of saying that if our spouse died and we might move out... to elsewhere... and so we stop maintaining or improving the home we live in...just because we had a thought that we MIGHT move if one of the couple were to die...sometime in the future

I hope you know what I mean... I understand you both are in a positon where mortality is staring you in the face.. but Ron isn't dying.. so I say carry on as normal.. because both of you could live another 20 years or more... 🥰
 
Paco Dennis said:
We have a similar situation. Misa will most likely outlive me,p so we have been preparing for a future where she will stay here on the farm, but there is a lot to fix and plan for her being here alone. We/she has some close friends that can help her with the hard stuff, which is great. We are about 20 miles from town and we have a truck and car in average shape. Like you, I feel a little strange putting together our last chapter here on the good earth, but it too is the elephant in the room.

All the best to you and Ron! :)
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Yes!!! “Our last chapter” is very apt, thank you for that phrase @Paco Dennis! ❤️ And brings to mind a dichotomy that I’ve been struggling with. It’s difficult to articulate so I may have to take several runs at this to make myself clear.

We are both approaching this as Ron’s last chapter, whether it lasts 2 years or 10 (the 10 is pretty ambitious, median survival rates for his situation are 3-5 years.) So we’re making decisions with that in mind, he’s got his bucket list of things/places/people he wants to experience, doing house projects, getting his will in order etc all in preparation for his exit.

And of course I’m considering this time as our last chapter as a couple, that this life that we’ve crafted will no longer be, eventually.

The dichotomy is that I am working so hard to not think of it as MY last chapter. I work to push my thoughts beyond, to think of my life continuing after his ends, to envision the time after as still being livable, even perhaps enjoyable.

My son’s death back in 2023 colors everything, and this situation is no exception. I had to claw my way out of the deepest depths to begin to function again after he died, and now I keep sliding down into this pit that has things in it like “when Ron passes away I can stop trying.” “I can give up when he’s gone” “I won’t have to keep fighting” and the like.

I said somewhere, maybe here, once we found out about Ron’s diagnosis, that I’m not sure I’ll survive another loss. And I don’t mean any of this to sound like I’m suicidal. I’m not, not anymore though right after Devin died I was.

It’s just that life since then is something I’ve had to work at, and doing life without Ron is just really hard to consider and is a perfectly acceptable reason to just stop engaging with life like I am right now. I mean, who’d blame me? Right?

………well, this got deeper and more dismal than I’d intended for it to, and I’m still not sure it’s clear. Sigh. I’m not going to try and clarify further, please ask questions if you need to, maybe that will help me zero in a bit better.
 
As our neighborhood character continues to change, we think about whether the last one standing should stay or go, maybe both move to a small house now while we still can? Maybe we watch too much ID, but safety is the top concern as an older person. The corporate run senior housing here is totally outrageous so that leaves me with chills. I am leaning towards moving now, but to where?
Life is knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
 
Ronni said:
Ron’s cancer diagnosis has caused us to closely examine the future, and what that landscape would look like if he were no longer around. Please understand, we’re not being morbid, we’re both practical, pragmatic people and so we’re forward-thinking potential outcomes and choices.

The biggest question we’ve tossed around is should I keep the house? It’s fully paid for so I could buy something else outright. My emotional driven decision is no, hell no! I don’t want to be surrounded by memories that would just trigger the loss, so I wouldn’t want to continue living in it if Ron’s no longer around to share the space with me.

The practical decision is yes I should keep it. It’s fully paid for, utilities are low. It’s close to work and the kids and it’s only eight years old so there isn’t too much chance of anything major going wrong with it in the foreseeable future. Enough in the bank to be able to replace an HVAC unit, refrigerator, that kind of thing and still have a financial cushion.

Plus he has all kinds of carpentry projects and small renovations he wants to do on the house, but won’t do them if I’m going to sell it. They won’t increase the house value, so he doesn’t want to spend the time or money if I don’t plan to stay.

He recently bought a newer truck. He still has his old one, which works and is fully paid for, just feeling its age a bit and exhibiting some issues. The newer one comes with a car payment, so maybe we should sell it and get rid of that payment? We need a truck to haul the 4 wheeler around, and we have no plans to stop wheelin’ through the mud 🤣 for as long as he’s able, so he’s tossing that decision around.

We’ve also tried to just continue forward with life, leaving his potential demise out of any and all decisions as we move forward. It hasn’t worked very well because we’re both just too realistic and practical to be able to ignore the elephant in the room! 🤣

And no, for those of you who’ve followed his cancer story from the beginning, he’s not at death’s door. But we also know that these hormone and immunotherapy treatments and infusions will at some point stop working. His cancer, though treatable, isn’t curable, the doc has made that clear.

Hence uncertain future. 🤷‍♀️
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I lived through all those decisions when my hubby died at 47 from colon cancer. We talked about the reality of all those choices even
to the point he choose to pass away at home to not incur more debt in a hospital to sink me into a deep debt. It's better to talk it out
and agree on everything so you aren't left alone trying to figure if you did right by him and he for you. I had 2 young boys still with us
so had those added wishes of his added. Hugs to you and I feel it for you. I have a procrastinator currently and I know if he goes before
me I will have a mess on my hands. Good on you and hubby, you have a big Cheer from me!
 
Aunt Bea said:
I think that it is great to consider all of the options and discuss them openly with each other but I would hold off on making any significant changes until it actually becomes necessary.

Concentrate on living your best life together, things always have a way of working out when change of any sort becomes inevitable.
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This. Enjoy your time together. You know the decisions you will face if Ron should pass at some point. Make those decisions then.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm basing my comment on how decisions and business etc. kept me busy and focused through my husband's death. Everyone is different.
 
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I think it's amazing that you two can sit down and make sensible decisions and discuss the future. I also think that as long as you two can mud around on the 4 wheelers, that will help make things easier to deal with. You can't stop living just because life has tossed a boulder at you.

I will keep you both in prayer and I hope things will go smoothly and peacefully no matter the outcome.
 
Going through a similar journey of uncertainty myself I empathize with your concern. My only advice is to trust your instincts, identify a reliable advocate, and don't make life changing decisions too quick. There is a path for you, consider the options knowing you can always alter your course.
 
Ronni said:
Le diagnostic de cancer de Ron nous a amenés à réfléchir sérieusement à l'avenir et à ce que serait le monde sans lui. Sachez que nous ne sommes pas morbides ; nous sommes des personnes pragmatiques et réalistes, et nous envisageons donc les différentes possibilités et les choix qui s'offrent à nous.

La question qui nous taraude le plus est : dois-je garder la maison ? Elle est entièrement payée, donc je pourrais acheter autre chose comptant. Mais ma décision, guidée par mes émotions, est un non catégorique ! Je ne veux pas être entourée de souvenirs qui raviveraient la douleur de la perte, alors je ne veux pas continuer à y vivre si Ron n’est plus là pour partager cet espace avec moi.

En pratique, la décision est oui, je devrais la garder. Elle est entièrement payée, les charges sont faibles. Elle est proche de mon travail et de mes enfants, et elle n'a que huit ans ; il y a donc peu de chances qu'un problème majeur survienne dans un avenir proche. J'ai suffisamment d'économies pour remplacer le chauffage, le réfrigérateur, etc., et avoir encore une marge de manœuvre financière.

De plus, il a plein de petits travaux de menuiserie et de rénovations qu'il veut faire dans la maison, mais il ne les fera pas si je compte la vendre. Ça n'augmentera pas la valeur de la maison, alors il ne veut pas y consacrer du temps ni de l'argent si je ne compte pas y rester.

Il a récemment acheté un nouveau camion. Il a toujours son ancien, qui fonctionne et est entièrement payé, mais qui commence à accuser son âge et présente quelques problèmes. Le nouveau est vendu avec un crédit auto, alors peut-être devrions-nous le vendre pour nous débarrasser de ce crédit ? Il nous faut un camion pour transporter le quad, et nous comptons bien continuer à faire du tout-terrain 🤣 tant qu'il le pourra, alors il hésite encore.

Nous avons aussi essayé de continuer à vivre normalement, en faisant abstraction de son décès potentiel dans toutes nos décisions. Cela n'a pas très bien fonctionné car nous sommes tous les deux trop réalistes et pragmatiques pour ignorer le problème de fond !🤣

Et non, pour celles et ceux qui suivent son combat contre le cancer depuis le début, il n'est pas en danger de mort. Mais nous savons aussi que ces traitements hormonaux et d'immunothérapie, ainsi que les perfusions, finiront par cesser d'être efficaces. Son cancer, bien que traitable, est incurable, comme le médecin l'a clairement indiqué.

Par conséquent, l'avenir est incertain. 🤷‍♀️
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BON COURAGE
 
When my husband died suddenly, my family all had different ideas on what I should do. Keep the house (it was all but paid for) or sell the house (I could have gotten a nice amount for it at the time as we were on a housing bubble at the time, but where would I go?)

I kept the house. It was a smaller house that was easy to maintain. I could mow the yard. I had neighbors who jumped in whenever I needed help, bless 'em. I was OK there for a few years until I met the Spousal Equivalent, moved into his house and sold mine.

Ronni, everyone is going to have advice for you. Take it, leave it, chew on it. My advice, for what it's worth, is to only do the projects that will benefit greatly in selling the house when the time comes. Spend your time left wisely with your husband, doing the things you want and love to do. If you do, at some time, decide to sell the house.....it will sell no matter what you've done.
 
Ronni,

This will be a long road to travel. Ron's test results are remarkably similar to the ones I had when my prostate cancer was found. The treatment that I had included radiation and hormones. I did not experience much pain, but there were unpleasant side effects. It took almost three years to get completely cured, but I did come out of it almost completely. Ron can come out of it as well if the doctors do their jobs and he sticks with it.
In the group I was in, we had several drop out because of the effects of the hormones which took out testosterone down to zero and resulted in the female hormones taking over. It affected our emotions and we experienced hot flashes like a woman in menopause. It wasn't pretty, but it was not impossible either.
Tell Ron to hang in there and stick with it.
 
You're not being morbid at all Ronni, you are being pragmatic. People who are not wind up regretting not handling their business when their spouses were alive and they had the chance. I've always heard that spouses who are grieving should not make any major decisions for at least a year. By that time, emotions should have calmed down.

When my husband was surprisingly diagnosed with two major illnesses (pulmonary and kidney) while being hospitalized, I told him to have a living will drawn up. One of his daughter's is a lawyer and she took care of it right away. He only lived for three months. My stepdaughter and I were tasked with seeing that his wishes were carried out. The family dynamic was madness with the living will....it would have been worse without it.

The pros you mention about keeping your house are major, especially in this uncertain financial environment and rising housing costs. Hopefully you won't have to worry about making those kinds of decisions for several years. Wishing the best prognosis and outcome for Ron.
 
I echo a lot of the above sentiments, best wishes to you both.
Wifey and I are in the process of preparing to sell and move for the next which hopefully isn't the final one. As the saying goes live like you'll die tomorrow but plan to live forever.
I've said it before, I plan to be immortal, so far so good...
 
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