Not sure about new friend who insulted me a long time ago

L

LoveTulips

Senior Member
Location
British Columbia, Canada
So I went to my seniors centre yesterday and I met a woman whom I had been in a vanpool with years ago.

Anyways, this was in 2004 when we (the six of us) were travelling back and forth from UBC. At that time, this woman said to me in front of everyone in the vanpool, very snobby like, " Do you realize how many times you use the words " you know" when you're talking. Anyways, I was taken aback and said, "Not really ". (I was kind of. like what??? and why??? are you saying this to me???) Anyways, so she goes on, again like in a snobby tone, " Well, I thought I would let you know".

By the way, at the time I was already having problems with my boss at the time at UBC and was already upset and everyone in the van knew this. So I said to this woman in my vanpool, " I don't care and I don't need your opinion. "

Anyways, back to the present, I meet this same woman yesterday and she is all smiles and being all lovely and friendly to me. And actually I want her to go away so I can meet other people. But then, she is really being nice to me and chatting away and so I agreed to exchange emails with her. She has lots of friends at the Senior Centre and at her Co-Op so she is not desperate for friends. She lives very, very close to me, a two minute walk.

But now I'm thinking, I don't even like her. Actually I never liked her. She has very, very strong opinions on stuff. She also thinks she knows everything. What was I thinking of??
 

hollydolly said:
....perhaps you should just say to her..You know, I just realised we have nothing in common you know.. and I was thinking you know, that it wouldn't benefit either one of us you know if we became friends again...just so You know...
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Hi hollydolly, yup, I have to break this up. I said yes to get together because I want some new friends but she is going to prove to be toxic at some point to me, even though she seems so nice to me right now. And she just emailed me to get together for a walk and coffee. I'm going to let her know through email now.
 

Twostep said:
Overuse of specific terms as professional is a no. I counted during interviews and used it for coaching. You were rude in my book.
And it gives you hickups . 2025 and 2004. Walk away if you do not want to talk to someone. A good sneeze works most of the time.
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I am quite aware of my speech patterns, thank you, not boasting but I do have a B.Ed. from McGill University and a B.A. from Concordia University and taught for 1 1/2 years at Dorset College in Vancouver, B.C. and one year at the Notre Dame Secretarial College in Montreal, Quebec. Believe me, I would have been told by my students or my colleagues if I was was overusing specific terms. Or by my family or husband for sure as they are not shy in expressing their opinions to me.

And why are you believing the other woman's opinion over mine?
 
If something she said 20 years ago bothers you that much now, just politely avoid her and do not exchange email addresses or anything else that encourages contact.

Any snippy comebacks will probably go over her head because she probably doesn't even remember the previous exchange.

Your email response sounds good - ceases contact without being rude or getting personal and ends on a positive note

I would just leave it at that now.
 
You agreed in the moment because you were caught off guard. Happens all the time to all of us. The fact that it still bothers you 21 years later is enough reason to keep your distance and itā€™s no one elseā€™s place to tell you how you should react now, because only you know how much it upset you at the time. Iā€™d bet anything that you were not the first or the last target of this woman in that carpool.

One of the perks of being old is telling people to get lost and not regretting it.
 
Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's rather common in the scheme of things. People change over the years. Change their opinions of people. Change the type of people they like also.

At the previous nursing home where I worked, there was this fellow employee who just didn't like me for whatever reason. He sometimes would cause trouble for me. I in turn began to dislike him. He later got fired for saying something to the administrator. I went on to another facility. Later, he got really friendly with me. I would see him at Walmart as one of those greeters. Every time he saw me we would talk baseball and the Yankees. We would see each other in other stores, and we would talk for a few minutes. It seems like both of us had long forgotten why we didn't like each other. We moved on and changed.

Don't carry that unneeded baggage around with you. Forget about it. She obviously has. That's no reason to dislike her if she has changed.
 
Here are just a few of the things people have said to me over the years: "you're too picky," "you expect too much of people," "don't you have a sense of humor?," "you get upset over nothing," "you're too hard on people."

Some of those people are still in my life; some aren't.
 
LoveTulips said:
Anyways, this was in 2004 when we (the six of us) were travelling back and forth from UBC. At that time, this woman said to me in front of everyone in the vanpool, very snobby like, " Do you realize how many times you use the words " you know" when you're talking. Anyways, I was taken aback and said, "Not really ". (I was kind of. like what??? and why??? are you saying this to me???) Anyways, so she goes on, again like in a snobby tone, " Well, I thought I would let you know".
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Awww. I'm sorry that happened, Tulips. I can feel your surprise and embarrassment in that moment and I don't blame you for snapping back at the time. I also don't blame you for remembering what she said after all these years. I remember both good and bad things people have said to me.

I come from a very critical family. I was a naturally outgoing kid, almost the class clown in some ways until eighth grade. My parents knew I had to give an oral report in socials studies the next day, so they had me practice in front of them. By the time they were done giving me little tips about how to hold my hands, how to pronounce certain words and several other helpful hints, I was changed.

When I stood up to give my report the next day it all came rushing back, I realized I was holding my hands wrong and my voice wasn't right, etc. and suddenly I burst into tears. For the rest of high-school I refused to ever get up in front of the class and took an automatic F on those days.

When I got away to college it all fell away and I starred in plays and enjoyed myself. My parents were upset when they found out because they hadn't had a chance to come and watch, but I knew if they had been in the audience I would have had stage fright.

To this day, I don't like criticism and feel that the only people who have the right to criticize me are my bosses, teachers, coaches, ballet teacher, etc. In other words people who are in that position of authority over me.

I try to remember that most of the self-appointed critics mean well and think I'll appreciate their advice. That still doesn't make me like it.

You might feel better if you e-mail the woman the whole story. Remind her of what happened and tell her how hurt you were. She might finally apologize and you might become friends.
 
Good chance she may contact you again so don't hesitate to be more direct. Last fall I ran across a guy I knew when we were teens, he was always an a-hole. He asked for my number so he could have me over for a cookout, I said "yeah, I don't really want to do that, but thanks for the offer".

At our age we don't have to play nice.
 
BlueDragonfly said:
It just seems very presumptuous to go around telling some stranger that they are speaking wrong. LOL Good grief!
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But she wasn't a stranger - if I have read OP properly she was a regular member of a car pooling group.

It was probably still something unnneccesary to say and the tone it was said in matters - but all the same it was a conversation from 20 years ago - and we have probably all on occasion said things that in hindsight, would have been best unsaid.

Letting it influence how you feel about that person now, 20 years later, seem a bit OTT - but if OP feels that way, just politely keep your distance.
 
Della said:
Awww. I'm sorry that happened, Tulips. I can feel your surprise and embarrassment in that moment and I don't blame you for snapping back at the time. I also don't blame you for remembering what she said after all these years. I remember both good and bad things people have said to me.

I come from a very critical family. I was a naturally outgoing kid, almost the class clown in some ways until eighth grade. My parents knew I had to give an oral report in socials studies the next day, so they had me practice in front of them. By the time they were done giving me little tips about how to hold my hands, how to pronounce certain words and several other helpful hints, I was changed.

When I stood up to give my report the next day it all came rushing back, I realized I was holding my hands wrong and my voice wasn't right, etc. and suddenly I burst into tears. For the rest of high-school I refused to ever get up in front of the class and took an automatic F on those days.

When I got away to college it all fell away and I starred in plays and enjoyed myself. My parents were upset when they found out because they hadn't had a chance to come and watch, but I knew if they had been in the audience I would have had stage fright.

To this day, I don't like criticism and feel that the only people who have the right to criticize me are my bosses, teachers, coaches, ballet teacher, etc. In other words people who are in that position of authority over me.

I try to remember that most of the self-appointed critics mean well and think I'll appreciate their advice. That still doesn't make me like it.

You might feel better if you e-mail the woman the whole story. Remind her of what happened and tell her how hurt you were. She might finally apologize and you might become friends.
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Hi Della,

That must have been rough, feeling that way. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Actually, it's not just that she embarrassed me but I just know she has very strong opinions on stuff also that I don't share. So, it's a no go with getting together again. But thanks for everything you have said here.
 

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