Not that anyone is asking

Tara will be picking up Collin this evening and he knows it. He said several times today "Mama working". That's the excuse he hears when he wants to visit someone but he can't because they're at work. He doesn't understand what working is, he just reasons that if his mom is working then she can't come and get him. Anyway, I told him his mom works at home and her work is taking care of him and his brother and sister; cooking for him, giving him a bath, reading to him.... He liked that. It made him giggle and blush.

He still cries every time I mention that his mom is coming today (like during phone calls) but he used to cry for 15-20 minutes straight. Now he stops within 5 or 6 minutes. So, this tells me he knows that going home is part of the visit, but he’s bummed about it. Also that he trusts he will visit again. Hopefully, he can always trust that.
 
Max asked me to write mom's obituary.
  • Full name of the deceased
  • Nickname (if any)
  • Date of death
  • Age at death
  • City, State of residence
  • Briefly summarize the story of or notable events in the person's life
Briefly, ey? Well that won't be easy. How unpleasant.

If she were here, she'd say "Just tell a joke."
I'm tempted.
 
On Monday the 11th Collin had his first day at preschool. Tara said he came home happy and full of stories about it. So on Tuesday he was anxious to go to school and reluctant to leave. But on Wednesday he came home quiet and pouty, and on Thursday he didn’t want to go to school at all, but Tara took him anyway. That day, he had a meltdown at school, cause unknown, and Friday he got in a bit of a scuffle with another kid over a toy and got lectured about sharing, something he’s heard at home quite a lot because he now has 2 younger siblings, and the rule at home is “all for all”. There’s no mine and yours, there’s only ours.

I believe a child who’s nearly 3 should have a few things of their own. Things they are responsible for, that they can choose to share or not. Choosing to share is quite meaningful. Generally, it makes you feel good even at that age. You learn kindness from that, and you feel good about yourself. Being forced to share isn’t meaningful at all, it makes you feel bullied and coerced. And ownership of things gives a kid a sense of control and power over something in their life, and he can learn about those things, too, which circles back around to responsibility – like the saying, with power comes responsibility.

Tara wants Collin to be a big boy but she’s not giving him the tools, or more accurately, in light of his age, she’s not offering the path to discovering those tools. He needs that to become a big boy, which she keeps telling him he is. With no rudimentary knowledge about responsibility and power and control, he’ll just stay a baby, one who cries to get what he wants and takes things away from others and fights over things mindlessly.

So, starting sometime next month, Collin will begin seeing a therapist.
 
Pepper said:
If Collin is helped, that is the main consideration. Think of it as Al Anon--he will learn to deal with mom's mishegas.
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I get that Pepper. What I don't understand is why MOM doesn't have to take some kind of parenting classes for her failings. Why does the child always have to pay the price? You know? If she wants those kids so badly she needs to be the one to learn how to take care of them. A 3 yo shouldn't be held responsible for all of it by himself. He's been through enough. He's 3! He shouldn't have to be a big boy at 3 for crying out loud.
 
Murrmurr said:
On Monday the 11th Collin had his first day at preschool. Tara said he came home happy and full of stories about it. So on Tuesday he was anxious to go to school and reluctant to leave. But on Wednesday he came home quiet and pouty, and on Thursday he didn’t want to go to school at all, but Tara took him anyway. That day, he had a meltdown at school, cause unknown, and Friday he got in a bit of a scuffle with another kid over a toy and got lectured about sharing, something he’s heard at home quite a lot because he now has 2 younger siblings, and the rule at home is “all for all”. There’s no mine and yours, there’s only ours.

I believe a child who’s nearly 3 should have a few things of their own. Things they are responsible for, that they can choose to share or not. Choosing to share is quite meaningful. Generally, it makes you feel good even at that age. You learn kindness from that, and you feel good about yourself. Being forced to share isn’t meaningful at all, it makes you feel bullied and coerced. And ownership of things gives a kid a sense of control and power over something in their life, and he can learn about those things, too, which circles back around to responsibility – like the saying, with power comes responsibility.

Tara wants Collin to be a big boy but she’s not giving him the tools, or more accurately, in light of his age, she’s not offering the path to discovering those tools. He needs that to become a big boy, which she keeps telling him he is. With no rudimentary knowledge about responsibility and power and control, he’ll just stay a baby, one who cries to get what he wants and takes things away from others and fights over things mindlessly.

So, starting sometime next month, Collin will begin seeing a therapist.
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A therapist after only 5 days on a new job? o_O

I'm thankful that I grew up in a world where it was normal for little kids to get into a few scrapes and scuffles while adjusting to a new routine.
 
Aunt Bea said:
A therapist after only 5 days on a new job? o_O

I'm thankful that I grew up in a world where it was normal for little kids to get into a few scrapes and scuffles while adjusting to a new routine.
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Yeah, they'll have him on ritalin by next Wed. :mad:

Jeez, jeez, jeez, I hope not. I know that the preschool people asked Tara about his behavior at home and she told them how he comes here fairly regularly to stay a few days because he's very attached to me and so we're trying to transition him and all that. The therapist will be a state employee, basically; free to Tara, so one can only hope (beyond chance) that it's a well educated, intuitive, well practiced therapist but odds are it'll be a 20-something person, practically fresh out of a 90-day training program after maybe two semesters of Humanities or Social Studies at a community college who will arrive with a state-provided script and checklist in his or her folding briefcase.

At least it won't be Zoom therapy over a phone. At least this person will see his face and his mannerisms and, I hope to God, can read them. And it won't surprise me if it's suggested that he start spending less time here; that he's weaned off the comfort he gets here and starts facing reality. And maybe that's not a bad thing. It's a lot for someone who isn't even 3 yet, but the state is notorious for damaging kids by just dropping them into stark realities, so it's not unexpected that that's what they'll do.
 
MarciKS said:
Why does HE have to see the therapist for HER shortcomings? God that's just so unfair!
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True, Tara's the one who messed up, but Collin's the one who's feeling everything. It scares me that these state therapists are under-educated and don't have a lot of experience, so getting one with acumen is a crapshoot.
 
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MarciKS said:
I get that Pepper. What I don't understand is why MOM doesn't have to take some kind of parenting classes for her failings. Why does the child always have to pay the price? You know? If she wants those kids so badly she needs to be the one to learn how to take care of them. A 3 yo shouldn't be held responsible for all of it by himself. He's been through enough. He's 3! He shouldn't have to be a big boy at 3 for crying out loud.
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She did schlepp through a parenting course...provided by the state, at the state-funded rehab place. One day a week for 6 weeks, a total of 12 hours, I imagine. She earned a pin (or badge or whatever).
 
Murrmurr said:
On Monday the 11th Collin had his first day at preschool. Tara said he came home happy and full of stories about it. So on Tuesday he was anxious to go to school and reluctant to leave. But on Wednesday he came home quiet and pouty, and on Thursday he didn’t want to go to school at all, but Tara took him anyway. That day, he had a meltdown at school, cause unknown, and Friday he got in a bit of a scuffle with another kid over a toy and got lectured about sharing, something he’s heard at home quite a lot because he now has 2 younger siblings, and the rule at home is “all for all”. There’s no mine and yours, there’s only ours.

I believe a child who’s nearly 3 should have a few things of their own. Things they are responsible for, that they can choose to share or not. Choosing to share is quite meaningful. Generally, it makes you feel good even at that age. You learn kindness from that, and you feel good about yourself. Being forced to share isn’t meaningful at all, it makes you feel bullied and coerced. And ownership of things gives a kid a sense of control and power over something in their life, and he can learn about those things, too, which circles back around to responsibility – like the saying, with power comes responsibility.

Tara wants Collin to be a big boy but she’s not giving him the tools, or more accurately, in light of his age, she’s not offering the path to discovering those tools. He needs that to become a big boy, which she keeps telling him he is. With no rudimentary knowledge about responsibility and power and control, he’ll just stay a baby, one who cries to get what he wants and takes things away from others and fights over things mindlessly.

So, starting sometime next month, Collin will begin seeing a therapist.
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I am glad Collin is going to see a therapist so many pluses to this.

Different families have different rules, so toys for all is fine IMO. I would support the rules Collin has at his house, and continue with different rules at his home with you. But keep in mind, in this situation, your opinion matters very little. Just like my opinion matters very little. After all this situation, all for all, is real life in the real world. As in preschool or in a divorce situation, where you learn that everything is everyones.

Not everyone can afford separate toys for each child, and at this age it’s probably best. I am sure Collin likes to play with the toys of the twins. What if he complained all the time that the twins wouldn’t let him play with their toys? What would you say then?

If Collin senses your disproved of mom and her rules, this could cause a problem. Just my opinion. The therapist will learn about his family life with mom and his family life with you. But you must be prepared in case the therapist decides he should not see you, if the therapist decides your relationship is an issue. I think mom would fight hard to keep you for her own reasons, free babysitting. But there is a risk here IMO.

But I have no ideal what the therapist will say. This situation you have would never be permitted in the two states I have done foster care in.

My granddaughter former great granddaughter has had lots of intervention and attends preschool as well. (That is where she caught covid). She just got retested and is still 9 months behind in all areas. Collin hopefully will get testing to see if he has, indeed, lost ground by being with mom, gained ground, or stayed the same.
 
Murrmurr said:
Yeah, they'll have him on ritalin by next Wed. :mad:

Jeez, jeez, jeez, I hope not. I know that the preschool people asked Tara about his behavior at home and she told them how he comes here fairly regularly to stay a few days because he's very attached to me and so we're trying to transition him and all that. The therapist will be a state employee, basically; free to Tara, so one can only hope (beyond chance) that it's a well educated, intuitive, well practiced therapist but odds are it'll be a 20-something person, practically fresh out of a 90-day training program after maybe two semesters of Humanities or Social Studies at a community college who will arrive with a state-provided script and checklist in his or her folding briefcase.

At least it won't be Zoom therapy over a phone. At least this person will see his face and his mannerisms and, I hope to God, can read them. And it won't surprise me if it's suggested that he start spending less time here; that he's weaned off the comfort he gets here and starts facing reality. And maybe that's not a bad thing. It's a lot for someone who isn't even 3 yet, but the state is notorious for damaging kids by just dropping them into stark realities, so it's not unexpected that that's what they'll do.
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I think this might happen. Had not read this before my other post. The situation might be very confusing for Collin as you are starting to recognize. You are becoming more and more attached and perhaps more and more judgmental of mom.

My question is, if you became a judgmental person in the way your biological grandchildren were being raised, as many people are, how would the relationship go? Not good I would guess. So are your feelings towards mom bleeding over and causing Collin issues? Ask yourself are you the issue? Only you know the answer.
 
Aneeda72 said:
I am glad Collin is going to see a therapist so many pluses to this.

Different families have different rules, so toys for all is fine IMO. I would support the rules Collin has at his house, and continue with different rules at his home with you. But keep in mind, in this situation, your opinion matters very little. Just like my opinion matters very little. After all this situation, all for all, is real life in the real world. As in preschool or in a divorce situation, where you learn that everything is everyones.

Not everyone can afford separate toys for each child, and at this age it’s probably best. I am sure Collin likes to play with the toys of the twins. What if he complained all the time that the twins wouldn’t let him play with their toys? What would you say then?

If Collin senses your disproved of mom and her rules, this could cause a problem. Just my opinion. The therapist will learn about his family life with mom and his family life with you. But you must be prepared in case the therapist decides he should not see you, if the therapist decides your relationship is an issue. I think mom would fight hard to keep you for her own reasons, free babysitting. But there is a risk here IMO.

But I have no ideal what the therapist will say. This situation you have would never be permitted in the two states I have done foster care in.

My granddaughter former great granddaughter has had lots of intervention and attends preschool as well. (That is where she caught covid). She just got retested and is still 9 months behind in all areas. Collin hopefully will get testing to see if he has, indeed, lost ground by being with mom, gained ground, or stayed the same.
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At least in front of Collin, I'm very supportive with his mom. I wish she was open to my advice and suggestions, but she just isn't, so I have to roll with that. But I do want Collin to view Tara and I as friends and sort of co-parents...maybe not co-parents, but I make certain he sees us working together for his benefit.

I do disagree about the toy situation. If Collin is the big boy/big brother then I think he deserves a piece of property, a big-boy toy that gets put up where the little ones can't reach it, that he gets to play with on his own from time to time, maybe when his dad is there and it's something he and dad can play with together. An age-appropriate remote-control car would be ideal. He has one.

The CPS worker Collin had here in Sac County did not approve of him visiting me. The one he has in the county where he lives does. Moreover, the family court judge is the one who suggested it. So Collin got lucky there. But I am braced for the therapist to advise weaning Collin off the long visits, dwindling it down to a couple hours a couple days a week or something like that. But the county Tara lives in allows the parent a lot of room to decide things like that, like who can visit and for how long, so I expect I will have him for extended periods at least now and then for some time to come.
 
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