Now and then I slip into self-destructive mode

TheOtherRick

TheOtherRick

Member
Location
Savannah Missouri
It feels like I'm in one presently, I make very poor choices, inappropriate postings, and feelings of just not caring what happens to me. I'm alone here, my social life was mostly doctor appointments and hospital stays, but now that's over so it's a good news bad news type of thing. good because the problem is gone, bad because I don't have a social life now.

Let me explain. I'm physically disabled I ride an electric wheelchair I haven't been out of the house for a long time now, so I live in an electronic world. My wife was my best friend she has been in a nursing home for four-plus years now, she is in a larger town near here, I talk with her on the phone, but haven't seen her in person forever.

I was able to go see her then lost my driver, then came the Covid lockdown, and then I became ill, which turned into doctor appointments and hospital stays that weren't fun at all but it got me back around people. Now that's over and I'm in solitary confinement again. Aside from the cats and my weed dude and spotty home health, I don't see anyone.

I'm letting things slide my physical appearance and cat care have gone to hell, I do feed ourselves, but they're lucky to get boxes cleaned. I haven't found my winter project yet, so I waste time on the internet and television I enjoy cussing out scammers that call me, but tell the truth I just don't care. Sometimes, I get the feeling that if I never woke up it wouldn't be a great tragedy. So there are the magic words, I just hope the men in white coats don't come to get me.

My old friends are gone, I don't care to take the time to make new ones, I'm childless, quite alone which was okay, but it's beginning to get to me.
 

I've Never seen you make an inappropriate post, in fact I really like them! What does that say about me? :D

I understand, in my heart & soul, everything you are saying. Keep talking, what else is there to do?

Personally, I've become so isolated I have to force myself to speak. Have to work harder on that.

My best friend, recovered from breast cancer, misses the friendship and solace she had in the hospital. Yeah, we're getting pretty pathetic.

Taking CT scan today, and looking forward to finally getting out of house. I'm thrilled, like I'm going to a party. Pathetic. Oh well..........
 
I'm no social worker and I won't pretend to play one here. If nothing else, as another old guy out here I just want to say that I hear you.

Throwing out a very small suggestion: would video calls to your wife help at all? The simplest way I can think of to do that is to use Amazon's Echo Show devices and you could probably find YouTube videos on how to set that up. Even the lower-end devices should work, and on sale they aren't expensive. That assumes you both have WiFi of course.

On Android phones you might use Google Meet to do the same thing.

But that's a drop in the bucket, I know.

Hang in there, man.
 

Don't forget this is winter so you aren't alone if it's seasonal depression. It happens so don't beat yourself up. As soon as the weather turns get some sun on your face and enjoy what vitamin D does for you.

Do you listen to uplifting soothing beautiful music that will make you feel happy and not sad? Especially without lyrics but familiar instrumentals where you know the words and can sing along in your head...or aloud? I've been listening to it all morning and I feel so good. Would you like me to post some for you?
 
Do you have an organization there called "Visiting Angels" or something similar? We have that here and I met the head of it while we were passing on the beach. She was the sweetest person ever. I met another sweet lady in passing who was a volunteer with the same organization. She had been stopping in to check on and care for someone for years.

Can you hire a housekeeper once a week or every 2 weeks? She could clean and pick up and change the kitty litter...that alone could heal your heart, mind, and soul. It can also motivate you to keep it up between her vists and you will feel so good about it.
 
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I hear you. A year ago I was diagnosed with Peripheral Neuropathy. I got severely depressed because it was so hard to manage the pain. I wanted off the wheel. I felt like I had no future to look forward to. My communication to others including Misa ( my partner for 36 years ), was nasty and filled with self-pity. I thought that was fair because THAT is the way I felt.

I adjusted so many different aspects of my daily life that feeling like I wanted to live took up most all of my days. Slowly some things stated helping. A slight adjustment here or something else there. I have very slowly been able to peek out of my grave and take a look around. That has it's challenges also. :) One thing that keeps me going, is the phrase "never give up...keep going."

I would post more here if you can/want to. No matter what you say. Just say it. We're old and have seen most of it. Posting on the Senior Forum was also something that I looked forward to for the past year.
 
Pepper said:
I've Never seen you make an inappropriate post, in fact I really like them! What does that say about me? :D

I understand, in my heart & soul, everything you are saying. Keep talking, what else is there to do?

Personally, I've become so isolated I have to force myself to speak. Have to work harder on that.

My best friend, recovered from breast cancer, misses the friendship and solace she had in the hospital. Yeah, we're getting pretty pathetic.

Taking CT scan today, and looking forward to finally getting out of house. I'm thrilled, like I'm going to a party. Pathetic. Oh well..........
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You know all about it, thanks your words mean a great deal to me.
 
The first thing to do is focus on taking better care of yourself and the cat.

Accept the changes in your life as things that are out of your control. They are all a part of your life story.

Then focus on what is within your control. Those things are still a part of your responsibilities. Taking care of whatever responsibilities you have restores a sense of self importance.

You'll feel better if you act better towards yourself.
 
I think itā€™s safe to say that most people visiting this site are lonely and seeking companionship. You were just honest enough to put the feelings into words and well at that.

You put into words what many of us feel like even with the use of legs. It must be extra tough being disabled and on your own. You did a good job explaining what your life has been like the last couple of years. Itā€™s been said by experts that itā€™s good to write down how you feel. Itā€™s a bit like therapy.

Perhaps starting more threads like this or maybe even a journal might help you deal with it in a healthier manner. Depressed people tend to self sabotage themselves. I can definitely relate to that. I do a lot of it.

Just remember that many, if not most, of us are lonely as well. Once you truly accept that as fact, it makes it easier to blend into this group. We all have WTH days or down stages in life and is something we ā€˜canā€™ share, so vent away Rick. We are with you and support you in your grieving state. Life can be really really difficult.

There are services that offer seniors with wheelchairs rides to and from places.
 
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Lara said:
Don't forget this is winter so you aren't alone if it's seasonal depression. It happens so don't beat yourself up. As soon as the weather turns get some sun on your face and enjoy what vitamin D does for you.

Do you listen to uplifting soothing beautiful music that will make you feel happy and not sad? Especially without lyrics but familiar instrumentals where you know the words and can sing along in your head...or aloud? I've been listening to it all morning and I feel so good. Would you like me to post some for you?
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YouTube supplies much of my tv time so I've made a playlist of just what you're talking about.
 
Rick, I would call the department of aging and see if thereā€™s transportation available so you could see your wife and get out of the house. Sometimes thereā€™s funds to pay for a ride or volunteers that will help. It will be either a state or county department depending on where you live. Life can be really hard at times.,
 
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