Now I get it; I understand now how my dad felt

TinaM

TinaM

Member
At 67, I now feel bad about always pressing my dad, 20 years ago, to go out and do stuff all the time.

I’m sure he didn’t feel well all the time but he would often try to accommodate, especially if it was a family thing.

Now I’m struggling with health issues and often stay home all day with no energy. I don’t have any family members now to answer too so I can basically spend my day any way I want.

My dad always tried to make sure other people were happy, even if it was difficult for him. I did all the driving the last ten years or so but I could tell that outings were taxing on him near the end. I wonder how much “grin and bear it” he did without telling anyone?
 

I get ya, Tina. I'm feeling the guilt for doing the same thing. What stands out most is Mom's 80th birthday party. My sister wanted a big affair. Mom told her (and all of us) that she didn't want a big celebration... just the kids, grandkids, and cake. My sister thought she was just being humble and planned a big surprise party. My thoughts were that her reaction was a cross between not wanting to be center stage and not wanting us to spend tons of money for a huge hoopla.

The celebration was hard on her... took a lot out of her and it wasn't until then that I realized she most likely knew it would be very draining. She tried to refuse gracefully. It was a beautiful family & friends celebration and memory... but now I get it. 🥺
 
I hate it when extroverts think they know what introverts need. We don't need anything but an occasional one-on-one conversation with someone we truly care about.
I have an extroverted friend from elementary school onward who calls me once in awhile. He always invites me to join a bunch of grade school guys at a diner somewhere. He doesn't realize that I can feel more alone among people I have nothing in common with than I can with myself.

A recent video I watched summed me up pretty well. (See video below)

My wife was an extrovert. She came from a large family. When we all got together, I sat in a corner somewhere and just watched.

Now that she's gone, I have no personal reason to attend large functions. Gatherings steal my energy and solitude restores it.

It's not a lonely prison but a chosen way to live that makes me fell less lonely.

 
TinaM said:
At 67, I now feel bad about always pressing my dad, 20 years ago, to go out and do stuff all the time.

I’m sure he didn’t feel well all the time but he would often try to accommodate, especially if it was a family thing.

Now I’m struggling with health issues and often stay home all day with no energy. I don’t have any family members now to answer too so I can basically spend my day any way I want.

My dad always tried to make sure other people were happy, even if it was difficult for him. I did all the driving the last ten years or so but I could tell that outings were taxing on him near the end. I wonder how much “grin and bear it” he did without telling anyone?
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I went through similar. Wanted my dad to visit (travel), even offered to pay for plane ticket. He declined. Now I get it.
 
The older I get, the more I understand my parents and how wrong I was about them when younger. I remember feeling, as a teenager, that their lives were basically over, and feeling sorry for them. And what, they must've been in their 40s then. Now that I'm closing in on 80 I get the reasons why a lot of stuff got hard for them, especially their (now my) relationship to the wider culture when we're so out of it.
 
When my wife and I lived in Dallas, my parents were still living in a small town 70 miles away. We took turns visiting at each other's homes. Not long after my dad passed away, my mother told me it was stressing her out driving in Dallas traffic and she couldn't make that trip to our house anymore, but we were welcome to come to hers. She seemed capable to me, so I just thought she was being selfish, not wanting to do her share of the driving.

The funny thing is, I no longer drive in Dallas traffic myself. If I have to go there to see a doctor or something like that, I can do it, but I know I'm not as safe a driver as I once was when in fast changing lanes and congested freeways.
 
There are some things very few can fully understand until we experience it For instance, the all-consuming thrall of romantic love is impossible to comprehend until we've lived it.

Same thing with ages and stages. At 10, I couldn't imagine being 15. At 15, I couldn't imagine being 25, never mind 40. At 40, I couldn't imagine being 70.

My parents and in-laws were pretty good about stating their comfort zones. As are DH & I.
 
I feel the same way. Years ago while I was caring for my dad, I asked if he wanted to visit a place where we all went camping long ago and expected him to be thrilled and he said no. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to go but he was 90 years old. While I’m nowhere close to that age, I get days like today where I don’t want to go anywhere. It’s comforting knowng others feel the same way.
 
TinaM I completely understand with your Dad, but for me it was my Mom. I would always tell her to go for a walk to get more exercise, she never did. Now that I’m older and retired it’s getting harder to walk/run.

oldfeller as an introvert myself I completely understand your point. But, sometimes I get cabin fever and need to get outdoors….not so much because for socializing but to feel the sun and listen to Gods creations…..it’s good for my mental health 😀
 
My Mom lived to be 97 years old. Degenerative disc disease put her in a wheel chair the last few years and she was in a lot of pain. No pain medicine really helped much. She never gave up, though, and loved to get out and do things. She lived the last couple of years with my sister, who has a hobby farm, raises goats. Mom helped her milk every day by holding the goat's head and petting them. She would bottle feed the kids when needed. Feed the chickens. All from her scooter. She planted a raised bed garden, very successfully.

You don't want to know about the arguments we had about her driving. Scary stuff.

If you stood my mom and me side by side, I would just be a clone. And now my back is giving me problems and I am thinking this is what Mom went through, and she continued going like the everready bunny? I'm not sure I can live up to her standards.
 
When DH and I used to go on vacations it was always a disagreement. I wanted DO and GO! He wanted to relax in the room and watch TV. I thought "I can sit around and watch TV at home."
I started to insist on bringing my own car (he doesn't let anyone drive his 🙄). Well, this was too much, "twice the gas!".
Over the years he began to do more and I began to slow down. Somehow it has come around to hearty breakfast in the room, out to sight see until late afternoon dinner out, then back to relax at the room. He will drive me around to shops and things as I want while he fiddles with his phone in the car.
It's working well.
I guess the point is I do understand slowing down with age.
 
I often struggled with not feeling well, due to A-fib since I was 28 years old (until it was finally corrected in 2016). It's no fun trying to live life under those conditions. But perhaps your dad would have felt guilty or that he was missing something if he didn't accommodate you. And I'm sure he enjoyed being with you. I'm sorry for how you're feeling Tina and hope your health and stamina will improve.
 
I never pushed my parents to do anything when they became older. I wouldn't feel too guilty for encouraging your parents to socialize or be active, you didn't know then what you know now. Like the saying, you have to walk a mile in their shoes to really understand how they were feeling and thinking at the time.
 
TinaM said:
At 67, I now feel bad about always pressing my dad, 20 years ago, to go out and do stuff all the time.

I’m sure he didn’t feel well all the time but he would often try to accommodate, especially if it was a family thing.

Now I’m struggling with health issues and often stay home all day with no energy. I don’t have any family members now to answer too so I can basically spend my day any way I want.

My dad always tried to make sure other people were happy, even if it was difficult for him. I did all the driving the last ten years or so but I could tell that outings were taxing on him near the end. I wonder how much “grin and bear it” he did without telling anyone?
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67 is still young. You should go out and enjoy your life. :ROFLMAO:
 
I too probably misread my parents situations. I can only hope that we all can learn from that and take the time to actually EXPLAIN to our offspring and family, what is going on with us. DH has Parkinsons and his anxiety has ramped up to where he no longer wants to travel - anywhere! We have a 4 year old grandson we have never met but I know IF I could get DH to the airport, there is a good chance he will refuse to actually get on the plane. Train or driving is also not an option. So, we hope they will be able to come see us one of these days.
 
Myquest55 said:
I too probably misread my parents situations. I can only hope that we all can learn from that and take the time to actually EXPLAIN to our offspring and family, what is going on with us. DH has Parkinsons and his anxiety has ramped up to where he no longer wants to travel - anywhere! We have a 4 year old grandson we have never met but I know IF I could get DH to the airport, there is a good chance he will refuse to actually get on the plane. Train or driving is also not an option. So, we hope they will be able to come see us one of these days.
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This must be very difficult for you both. {{{hug}}}
 
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