Now that I have processed my husband's passing, some thoughts

Marie5656

Marie5656

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Location
Batavia, NY
Or as much as one can process a loss after a month.

The strange things that bother me are things like the fact that after a year of waiting, he missed the end of Game of Thrones. His favorite show. And he will miss other favorite programs. He very much enjoyed his television and it makes me sad to think he won't get to watch any more.
How odd is this? I have good memories of us discussing tv programs.
 

Nothing odd about it.

I think that it is completely normal to discuss your day to day life, ask where he hid the hammer, etc...

It's probably best to have these conversations when the two of you are alone, the neighbors might not understand. :):playful::eek:nthego:
 
Hang in there Marie, It's been 4 months since my wife of 48 years passed, but we will both be ok. It gets a little easier day by day.
 

Marie5656 said:
Or as much as one can process a loss after a month.

The strange things that bother me are things like the fact that after a year of waiting, he missed the end of Game of Thrones. His favorite show. And he will miss other favorite programs. He very much enjoyed his television and it makes me sad to think he won't get to watch any more.
How odd is this? I have good memories of us discussing tv programs.
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Not odd at all, Marie.

My oldest brother was 5 yrs older and lived in another city 50 miles north. We talked on the phone during the O.J. Simpson white Bronco chase in 1994. A few days later he died in bed from a heart attack at 48. For the next year and a half there were many times when I thought 'he's missing all the OJ stuff'.

My brother was just starting to get interested in computers; after some initial frustration he would have embraced email and the internet, and cell phones.

I used to recommend movies, and he always liked my choices for him - especially "Misery" and "Silence of the Lambs".

And he would have LOVED "Breaking Bad". :)


Also, my mom died in 1987...she used to plant red geraniums along the front walkway to the house. My neighbor does the same thing...sometimes makes me smile, sometimes gives me a lump in my throat.
 
applecruncher said:
Not odd at all, Marie.

My oldest brother was 5 yrs older and lived in another city 50 miles north. We talked on the phone during the O.J. Simpson white Bronco chase in 1994. A few days later he died in bed from a heart attack at 48. For the next year and a half there were many times when I thought 'he's missing all the OJ stuff'.

My brother was just starting to get interested in computers; after some initial frustration he would have embraced email and the internet, and cell phones.

I used to recommend movies, and he always liked my choices for him - especially "Misery" and "Silence of the Lambs".

And he would have LOVED "Breaking Bad". :)


Also, my mom died in 1987...she used to plant red geraniums along the front walkway to the house. My neighbor does the same thing...sometimes makes me smile, sometimes gives me a lump in my throat.
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I lost my beloved hubby in 2006,I fell into a deep depression and made some horrible decisions,alienated my kids.
It took me until 2010 to get my head together and become my self again...
Be gentle with yourself it takes a long while to move beyond losing the person who was basically an extension of ourselves.
God bless
 
I am following through on one wish he had. I am having someone take down our old, worn side porch and rebuild it with new steps, and a small deck. Granted it will be smaller than what he had wanted, but it will suit me well. I often enjoy sitting outside in the evenings.
I have found that the depression IS sinking in, but I found a local grief support group that meets twice a month. It is for seniors who have lost a spouse. I will be going to my first meeting on June 3rd. I was told by the person in charge that I will probably be the youngest member of the group (I am 65) as most are over 70. She asked how I felt about that. I said I would be OK, so long as the others were OK. She did say they had other groups if I was not comfortable. But I reallt=y feel I would prefer the older group.
 
Marie, I can easily see that you are thinking of things that Rick would have enjoyed if he was still with you. I'm glad that you're going to do some needed work on your porch and steps, I'm sure your hubby would be pleased. It's great that you are joining a grief support group, please don't hesitate to join the age group you feel most comfortable with, if the older group would make you feel more connected.

I've been thinking of you since your loss, and glad you have some friends and family for support, that must help a bit. Take care of yourself my friend. :sentimental:
 
I still have my hubby but lost my Mom and Dad who I was very close to years ago. To this day when I see something or hear something that I know they would have enjoyed it makes me very sad. Usually I tell them all about it just before I go to sleep. Silly I guess, but it makes me feel better.
 
It is all still very fresh for you Marie, but you are
doing the right thing by joining a group, you will
have people to speak to and not be sitting around
moping all the time.

Getting the porch fixed is another plus.

Jim, go and see the group and find out more then
you will have to go out too.

Mike.
 
I agree with Mike...

I think both of you ((( Marie and Jim ))) need the help of a bereavement support group, either online or off!! losing a spouse can be just the most huge life changing thing , suddenly someone you've spent the majority of your life with, day in day out, know how to react to each other in a way only they and you understood...the partnership, the loyalty, the friendship, the love, the care..the companionship....all gone , !!!

In many ways it would have been better if they'd just left home and gone to live somewhere else , at least you would have the chance to have adjusted to it..even still speak to them occasionally... but the big black hole that's left when they are not here at all..is just the hardest thing a human has to come to terms with, and it's nigh on impossible to do it alone!!
 
Six years for me now, and I've adjusted to what I feel is normal these days. But the grieving process took months and months of adjusting to my new life alone. ... a very long year of transitional emotions before I settled down.

We had been together since high school and had married at 20. We missed our 50th wedding anniversary by six months.
 
Marie, yes it's a process. You're a very wise lady and know what to do to help yourself. I'm glad you're able to talk to us about your feelings!

The deck sounds like a great idea. Would you have room for a pot or two of flowers?

Also joining that group can help you greatly! (((Marie)))
 
Marie, have you read Joan Didion's book, "The Year of Magical Thinking?" It describes how mourners who are left behind often use a kind of "magical thinking" with regards to the person they lost. In her case, she just couldn't bear to throw out, or give away, her late husband's favorite socks, because he might come back and need them.

I experienced some of that thinking when my husband died 9 years ago. Not about socks, but thoughts about how funny he will find something or other when he hears about it. I think we all do that. It's a way of keeping them
"alive," at least, in our thoughts and hearts.

If you haven't read the book, I recommend it.
 
Sunny said:
Marie, have you read Joan Didion's book, "The Year of Magical Thinking?" It describes how mourners who are left behind often use a kind of "magical thinking" with regards to the person they lost. In her case, she just couldn't bear to throw out, or give away, her late husband's favorite socks, because he might come back and need them.

I experienced some of that thinking when my husband died 9 years ago. Not about socks, but thoughts about how funny he will find something or other when he hears about it. I think we all do that. It's a way of keeping them
"alive," at least, in our thoughts and hearts.

If you haven't read the book, I recommend it.
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I agree with you Sunny.
I think we go thru those strange experiences as widows. For me, it was the door will open, and he will come walking back in.
Your mind plays tricks on you for a long time after.
 
Thanks for all your thoughts. RR, I want to put either a pot of flowers or a flower box. And a bird feeder.
Sunny, thanks for the book suggestion. I went right to Amazon and ordered it. Alleged free one day shipping so I should have it tomorrow.
I still have not sat in his recliner. Because it was his. But I am thinking of making it mine now.
 
Ruth n Jersey said:
I still have my hubby but lost my Mom and Dad who I was very close to years ago. To this day when I see something or hear something that I know they would have enjoyed it makes me very sad. Usually I tell them all about it just before I go to sleep. Silly I guess, but it makes me feel better.
Click to expand...

I understand, Marie. I was very close to my parents, so I can relate.
 
Marie5656 said:
I am following through on one wish he had. I am having someone take down our old, worn side porch and rebuild it with new steps, and a small deck. Granted it will be smaller than what he had wanted, but it will suit me well. I often enjoy sitting outside in the evenings.
I have found that the depression IS sinking in, but I found a local grief support group that meets twice a month. It is for seniors who have lost a spouse. I will be going to my first meeting on June 3rd. I was told by the person in charge that I will probably be the youngest member of the group (I am 65) as most are over 70. She asked how I felt about that. I said I would be OK, so long as the others were OK. She did say they had other groups if I was not comfortable. But I reallt=y feel I would prefer the older group.
Click to expand...
Good luck on that porch-I hope it will help. Yes, depression sets in as it did for me, too. I went to a grief support group but there was only one other person in the group besides the facilitator and the next week he told me the other person wasn't coming back and it would be the last session. However, he talked an awful lot those 2 sessions and handed out some things and I found those 2 sessions to be immensely helpful. One thing he spoke of is keeping a connection with the person lost. At the time I found it very, very helpful and I kept the connection but think maybe I could try connecting again. Talking to the departed was very helpful for me. I hope the group is very helpful for you.
 

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