People Do Misjudge Others

Lewkat said:
Are you sure she was not complimenting you? Your reaction baffles me.
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No, I’m not. It was all very confusing to me. I want to speak with her again. She was really one of a kind. Super intelligent for sure. She had told me that she was a Rhodes Scholar, but was she? When she told me that, she was kind of laughing as if she was just kidding. It was all very confusing.
 

Remove the part about her observation of military men (true or untrue) and all that is left of her observation is that you acted like a gentleman, so I'm wondering if you were offended by her stereotyping of the military or were you offended by by being seen as "something less" by not living up to the stereotype of military macho.

I could be way off, but it my defense, I don't have a lot of information to work with here.
 
Been There said:
No, I’m not. It was all very confusing to me. I want to speak with her again. She was really one of a kind. Super intelligent for sure. She had told me that she was a Rhodes Scholar, but was she? When she told me that, she was kind of laughing as if she was just kidding. It was all very confusing.
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Consider this: No matter how confident your date may have appeared, perhaps she was nervous, especially meeting your friends. She may welcome a chat as she may have felt just as unsure of your reactions as you were of hers?

If you do meet again, especially to chat, choose somewhere quiet and relaxed. Keep it simple and good luck (y)
 

caroln said:
It sounds like two different versions of the same first date. Now I'm confused!
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Like I wrote earlier, I live just outof Washington D.D. We are very diverse and meet people from all over the world. I would venture to say that many more females come here than males. They seek jobs in administrations hoping to get a job with a Congress person. Those jobs can open up a world of opportunities to people from other countries after they receive their citizenship. Many foreigners also apply to the universities in our area.

There was a rumor at one time that the Chinese were sending their brightest students here in an attempt to pick up information from our professors and representatives.I wouldn’t go so far as to say they were spies, but maybe information gatherers would be a better term. I dated a Chinese woman that spoke better English than me. She seemed so versed in our ways like she had been specially trained to fit in. I never gave it a thought until a few weeks later when I was telling an older neighbor about her and he told me of the rumor about these people trying to gain information. I had never heard about that.

Living here has opened my eyes. We gave people here in my neighborhood from Germany, France, England, Scotland, a few African nations and even a family from Russia, which seem to be very grateful for being here. It’s a great place to live.
 
You must have met people who you are not compatible with. It sounds to me like you might not might be "right" for each other. Maybe just realizing that when/if you meet up again you can consider that possibility. But, it might have just been misunderstandings and you know how they unravel. :) You also have the issue with your pain now. In some ways it has changed you. Pain like yours is not easy to talk about, and it isn't always fun being around others when your not feeling that good. She probably should know about your shoulder pain. She might be a real friend. :)
 
Talk to her again. Be honest and straightforward. Tell her you took her comments as a criticism, and ask if in fact she was being critical. Her response will determine how the rest of the conversation will go.

If she is as intelligent as you thought, she should be able to easily articulate exactly what she meant, and why. If she can’t or won’t elaborate, then that too is informative and gives you a glimpse as to the kind of person she is at her core.
 
You missed the perfect opening to ASK her to elaborate when she said you were 'too proper' all evening. There are ways you could have questioned that assessment: "So what would have been the 'just right' amount of 'proper'?" And you'd have been within your rights to ask why she accepted a date if she expected you to behave improperly unless she prefers that kind of man. Just being ex-military not nearly enough reason to apply that stereotype.
 
Jamala said:
Maybe she is : “Aw fur coat an nae knickers” 🤣
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Rose65 said:
Ditch her. It saves time.
Stupid woman doesn't deserve a good man like you.
She can go ahead and find herself a bad boy type and see what happens.
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Rose65 said:
Unbelievably, there ARE women who want a very much bad boy type. This to me is not good and I have no sympathy with it.
I value my husband's gentle quiet unassuming character, he is sensible and makes me feel safe. In the long run it's way better.
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A member here tells of a wonderful night he had out with a woman whom he really liked who invited him in and complimented him saying he isn’t like most military men who swear, tell bad jokes and drink too much yet women here put down this woman like she’s trash. Why? We don’t even know this woman yet are trashing her like we do.

80% of the members stated that her comments are complimentary. The few who disagree instantly become nasty about it.
Why?
 
EmptyCup said:
Occam’s razor. Don’t overthink it. Take it at face value. If you find those statements disturbing, eject. If not, continue on.
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Agreed. None of us were there to see/hear how she *delivered* her words. That statement about being a Rhodes Scholar is weird at best. Only you were there to see her body language and hear her tone, @Been There ... if something didn't feel right in your gut, it probably wasn't. If you think you just had a moment of fear of the unknown or something, sure you can call again... but none of us were there to get those vibes of someone's inner essence.
 
EmptyCup said:
Occam’s razor. Don’t overthink it. Take it at face value. If you find those statements disturbing, eject. If not, continue on.
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Occam’s razor? I had to look it up.

The Basics. In simpler language, Occam's razor states that the simplest explanation is preferable to one that is more complex. Simple theories are easier to verify. Simple solutions are easier to execute.

Occam's Razor Simplified

The idiom "when you hear hoofbeats think horses, not zebras" refers to this principle that the most likely solution is the simplest one. This is not because simpler explanations are usually correct, but because you make fewer assumptions when looking for horses instead of zebras.

Occam's razor (also Ockham's razor; Latin: lex parsimoniae "law of parsimony") is a problem-solving principle that, when presented with competing hypothetical answers to a problem, one should select the one that makes the fewest assumptions. The idea is attributed to William of Ockham (c.

https://explorable.com/occams-razor

I LIkE it! I over complicate most things and end up frustrating myself. This is over simplified but a good strategy to practice

Thank you. 😊
 
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Been There said:
No, I’m not. It was all very confusing to me. I want to speak with her again. She was really one of a kind. Super intelligent for sure. She had told me that she was a Rhodes Scholar, but was she? When she told me that, she was kind of laughing as if she was just kidding. It was all very confusing.
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Call her, sounds like a lady worth getting to know. Let us know how it goes.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
A member here tells of a wonderful night he had out with a woman whom he really liked who invited him in and complimented him saying he isn’t like most military men who swear, tell bad jokes and drink too much yet women here put down this woman like she’s trash. Why? We don’t even know this woman yet are trashing her like we do.

80% of the members stated that her comments are complimentary. The few who disagree instantly become nasty about it.
Why?
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Apparently SF has 5,900 members.

80% of that number is 4720.

I see only 23 members have posted

on this thread.

I think you need to revisit Math 101 !
 
The fact that @Been There had his friends check out his date and tell him complimentary things about her shows that he is careful in his relationships, and it is possible he may have been hurt in the past and probably the reason he is still single. He is careful. By questioning this woman's words, I believe he is trying to get to know her better, which is not a bad thing, but at the same time, he is focusing too much on the "head talk" and not the "heart talk." Or maybe his intuition is kicking in and taking over. Her actions (inviting him in) shows she is interested, right? But she also gives a conflicting message that puts a wrench into everything. Although it seems sort of complimentary (that she tells him he is not like the other military men), it fails to deliver the message that she likes him, or is complimenting him. What she is saying underneath the words is that she is COMPARING him to other military men. She is categorizing. She doesn't see him as a man, but a "military man." She may have dated military men in the past. Warning - she might have issues with such relationships.

If someone spoke to me like that (a male), and compared me to other women in my career, it would feel as if he was egging me on, or maybe teasing me. I do know that men and women relate differently (from reading an article). Men tend to speak competitively while women tend to relate. She was not relating to @Been There (she could have said, "I really enjoyed myself tonight. I don't think I've every felt this way in a long time....."). Instead, she compared him to other "military" men.

One question that popped up in my mind: @Been There, did you wear a gun on your date? I think you had mentioned it sometime ago that you carry one (or maybe it was someone else). Just wondering.🤫
 
Women from all walks of life, some even signing on to
dating sites are hoping to meet a man who behaves well and is thoughtful.
This woman seems to be complaining not complimenting.
So, there is something not quite right here.
I would love to know the outcome of this interlude.
 
Isn't it something how different we view the woman's comments? Granted we weren't there so are missing body language and speech tones and even full context but I see her comments as nothing but a compliment, yet others see them as criticism or maybe disappointment. I guess that's where our own history comes into play, things trigger us all differently.

If Been There speaks with her again I hope he let's us know.
 
caroln said:
I took it mean that @PeppermintPatty meant that 80% of the posters to this thread stated complimentary comments, not the whole membership.
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I took that as the same. It seemed immediately obvious to me as I now read through this thread. The post is within this thread, it was referring to the 'comments' of posters in this thread. It was therefore only ever going to be referring to 80% of the post within this thread. I sometimes wonder what is so difficult to comprehend.

Interesting, in a thread titled, "People Do Misjudge Others"
 

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