Post your daily Groaner here:

wooden-tit.jpg
 
Broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a husband decided to take out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then have her killed. He contacted a figure named “Artie.” Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000 and he needed a deposit. The man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the deed.

Artie followed the man’s wife to Costco. He surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager too. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the security cameras and observed by the security guard, who called the police. Artie was caught and arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline read, “ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 At Costco.”
 
A horse walks into the pub and orders a pint. The publican says, "You're in here quite a lot lately, do you think ya might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am" and then vanishes from existence.

You see, this joke is about Rene Descartes famous philosophy I think, therefore I am, but to explain that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops
 

Back
Top