Post your daily Groaner here:

  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.
She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened.
As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.
I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her.
So...
I switched the heads."
 
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Medical Terminology For The Layman:

Antigen: Uncle Jim’s wife.

Artery: The study of fine paintings

Autoimmune: A car that will never be in an accident

Barium: What you do when CPR fails.

Benign: What you do after you’re eight.

Centigrade: Mailed test scores.

Cirrhosis: An English knight.

Coccyx: An ill rooster.

Congenital: Friendly

Crutch: Part of a Japanese car not equipped with automatic transmission.

Cryosurgery: Weeping after an operation.

Cystogram: A message sent to your sister.

Dilate: To live long.

Erection: Japanese voting process.

Forceps: A pair of biceps.

G.I. Series: Baseball games between teams of soldiers.

Hygiene: A greeting to Gene.

Intern: The order in which doctors see patients.

Iris: The organization that collects taxes.

Jugular: A circus performer.

Kidney: A baby goat’s leg joint.

Morbid: Higher offer.

Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.

Node: Was aware of.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Palsy: Getting very friendly.

Pigment: What Miss Piggy meant.

Protein: In favor of young people.

Rectum: The result of two cars after a collision.

Testicles: An exam that makes you laugh.

Tibia: Abbreviation for: “To be a.”

Tumor: An extra pair.

Urine: Opposite of you’re out.

Varicose Veins: Veins which are very close together.

Vertigo: What a lost child doesn’t know.
 
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
 

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