Preparing to be an Orphan...

fureverywhere

fureverywhere

beloved friend who will always be with us in spiri
Location
Northern NJ, USA
Usually I try to find a humorous twist to virtually any situation, but this a kind of somber topic. How you feel when both of your parents are gone. My Mum passed away suddenly when I was 26. That was a long time ago. My Dad was devastated. But he managed to carry on and met someone who will be his partner for the rest of his life.

Dad is ninety-three now. A remarkable life well lived. He was in charge of the high school business department, very active in the teacher's associations, he served in WWII and volunteered for the VA hospital afterwards, he's traveled to almost every country. So many friends and acquaintances that he often grouses about keeping up correspondence.


I talked to him today. He said that at his last doctor visit the doctor looked concerned...next thing he knew he was in an ambulance. They thought he was going to have a stroke in the office. He already had a bypass some years back. Now he's on a bunch of meds, apparently something didn't mix so good. He's home now and sounded tired.


But it's just bracing yourself somehow. My first thought was I have got to call my son. I want to make sure Dad sees his great grandson. But...I guess we're blessed that Dad was always so darn healthy we never really had to worry about him. It's hard though, even if he lives to 100, you're never really ready to say goodbye.
 

'Tis true...if you've had a good relationship with your parents then you will never be ready to say goodbye... I've been an 'orphan' for many years now..mum died when I was 18, father 7 years ago...I thought my heart would break when my mum died , and over 40 years on I still grieve for her...but my father was hale and healthy all his life until he got into his 80's, and then he got hit full on by strokes and PD..I hadn't seen him or spoken to him for about 15 years prior to his death, even tho' he lived within 3 miles of me but even tho' he was a horrible parent, I was very upset that he died in pain..he really didn't deserve my pity, but I couldn't help but wish that he hadn't needed to suffer quite so much...but grieve for him?...no never. Just relief that he was gone and could no longer harm anyone. ..but I do remember thinking when I heard he'd died , that I was an orphan at the ripe old age of 52

#Fur, you sound like you have a very loving relationship with your dad, so yes there's no doubt you are dreading the awful day you lose him ..let's hope despite his advanced age, he's still with you for a good long time yet..
 
My father passed away back in 1987 at the age of 62 which devastated me at the time as I had worked along side him for 15 years and we were more like brothers.

I lost my mother last October through Dementia, the last 6 weeks of her life I spent visiting her in hospital morning, afternoon and evenings. helping to feed and sit by her side as she was on 24hr watch. The medical staff were absolutely brilliant with her and also kept me up to date with her condition.

When Mam died it was a sad occasion but I was happy to think that she was not suffering anymore and she kept what dignity she had to her last breath, as I believe that Dementia is a terrible illness that no person should suffer.

Roy
 

My father passed when I was 12 (one month after my sister), my Mom when I was 22.

My father's passing was unexpected and sudden (as was my sister), so there was no time to assimilate it. My Mom, OTOH, suffered a series of strokes in NY while I was in CA. Somehow I had the time to catch a red-eye flight back to NY in time to see her in the hospital before she passed the next morning. But at least there was that much time to mentally prepare.

It's never easy.
 
It's called life. We live, we die. Dad was gone when he was 52, I was 24. Mom died many years later. I was relieved when she did die. She was my Mom and I loved her but she was a chain smoking alcoholic who insisted in smoking in bed in her little mobile home. I preached and I preached but I fully expected to get a call one night about her burning up in her bed, she died of natural causes suddenly in a hospital. I was relieved it wasn't my worst fear.
 
Sorry to take it a wee bit ff topic ...but can I ask those like me who lost a parent when they were young, if they went through life fearing ..as I did that they might die young too?...or was that just me? My mum was 39, I absolutely dreaded getting to 39 because my mum like yours Phil died suddenly, and I just always lived with the idea that I would die at the same age .
 
That's a whole different kettle of fish. My Mum was 66. This year I turned 53...tickticktick...and I smoked a whole lot more than she ever did.
 
Holly, I never gave it a second thought. My sister/father passing so close DID set me off on a quest for what Monty Python later called The Meaning of Life, hence into martial arts and various religious / philosophical pursuits and eventually into metaphysics in college.

But fear of death? No. I've always welcomed it.
 
fureverywhere said:
That's a whole different kettle of fish. My Mum was 66. This year I turned 53...tickticktick...and I smoked a whole lot more than she ever did.
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I am almost 79. I smoked 1 and a half packs a day from 17 till I was 53 (never in bed btw), I had the sense to finally quit cold turkey. Mom was a sloppy smoker, ash trays always heaped full..
 
I have been an orphan since 1997 and I got used to it quickly, since I lived in another city from my parents for many years and didn't see them that much. But it was still a difficult thing to go through and a sad time for me, and although we weren't close and there were issues, there was still a grieving process to go through, in my own unique way. There always is I think. Fur, I think it might be easier to handle knowing your father lived a long happy life and you had a good relationship, but I agree, we're never really ready for it.
 
fureverywhere said:
That's a whole different kettle of fish. My Mum was 66. This year I turned 53...tickticktick...and I smoked a whole lot more than she ever did.
Click to expand...

You are a mere spring chicken, fureverywhere!

I always thought my dear mother died when she was 67, because that's what she said she was. So when I turned 67 I prepared to be white knuckle all year. Just to make myself feel more grim, I dug out her death certificate and found out she was really only 66 -- so I had already lived through the dreaded year.
 
There is a great deal of information on the internet regarding preparation for the loss of a loved one, also information on the grieving process, but I don't think you are ever ready for the event.
 
I am blessed to still have both my parents and both in relatively good health. I sincerely dread the day they pass. I am the only one in my peer group who has not lost a parent yet. I know I will be a walking disaster.
 
hollydolly said:
Sorry to take it a wee bit ff topic ...but can I ask those like me who lost a parent when they were young, if they went through life fearing ..as I did that they might die young too?...or was that just me? My mum was 39, I absolutely dreaded getting to 39 because my mum like yours Phil died suddenly, and I just always lived with the idea that I would die at the same age .
Click to expand...
Yes Hollydolly. My dad died at 52 and I was sure I would at 52 and I think that is when my breathing problems and panic attacks started. I seldom have a panic attack anymore but I carry xanax with me and just knowing I can pull myself out of it, keeps me from having one. Someone told me that the 52nd year of our life is a crucial one and a lot of people die or have serious health problems then. I don't know if that is true or not. My mom died about 3 weeks after she turned 65 so I thought I might also. I know that's irrational and now I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. :)
 
Lots of sad stories on this thread. Even though I don't think about it often, I do feel like an orphan and so often there is something I would like to tell one of my parents, especially my mom. I don't think you can prepare for a parents death because it certainly hit me a lot differently than I thought it would. I am surprised that the longer my mom is dead the more I miss her and also the more I understand her. I was angry for most of my life because she was one of those hoarders (like you see on that TV show), she smoked a lot, wasn't there for me emotionally, but now I have come to terms with all that and see that wasn't really what she wanted for herself. Among other horrible things that happened to her she had 3 children die (at different times) so she had a rough row to hoe.
 
My mother was 39 when I was born, I was 39 when she died. I've got a couple of years left before it will be the 39th year of her passing. Wouldn't be at all surprised if I died then.

My father died when I was 21, never had any real connection with him though.
 

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