Psychiatric Humour

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Doctor/Patient
Patient:DDoctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.


Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.​


 
Mr. Anderson’s automobile suddenly developed a flat tire one night, immediately outside the strong iron fence that walled off the local mental institution.
Annoyed but resigned, Anderson jacked up the car and prepared to replace the wheel. He took off the hubcap, unscrewed the bolts, which he placed in the hubcap, which in turn was resting in the road, and placed the spare tire with its hub onto the axle.

He was about to reach for the hubcap with its bolts when a speeding car raced by and, even as Mr. Anderson jumped back for dear life, it ran over the hubcap, sent it spinning for two blocks, and sent the bolts flying in all directions.

There was no possibility of finding the bolts in the dark, and, helplessly, Anderson realized he was standing there with a wheel on the axle, unbolted and useless. While he wondered what to do, a man from the other side of the fence shouted, “Hey, mister.”

Anderson looked up, surprised, and realized that he had attracted the attention of one of the mental inmates, who had been watching the procedures by the light of the street lamps. Anderson said cautiously, “Yes? Is there something you want?”

“I just want to give you some advice. Look — just take off the other hubcaps and remove one bolt from each wheel and use them for that spare tire you have. The other wheels will be held by four bolts apiece and your spare by three. That will hold you till you get to the nearest repair shop, where you can get additional bolts and an additional hubcap.”

“Great,” said Anderson. “You’re perfectly right. Now why didn’t I think of that?” Then, embarrassed, he said, “It’s really amazing that, under the circumstances — uh — you could —”

“Because I’m in here?” said the inmate contemptuously. “That just means I’m crazy. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” :):playful::eek:nthego:
 
A farmer was driving his honey wagon down the road to spread the fertilizer on his field. He had to pass a mental institute on his way and one of the residence hollered out and ask him where he was going with the wagon load.
‘I’m going down the road and spread it on my field and strawberries’ said the farmer.

The inmate hollered back, ‘you should live here. We have sugar and cream on our strawberries.’......
 
A mental hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another patient
from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry




You are a chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"​


The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs.​
 
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