Really could use some input

N

Nanny in distress

New Member
Trying to keep this brief. We had been estranged from our only child for over 20 years. It was one of those tough love decisions that was necessary after professional assistance didn't resolve our family issues. I just told him at 19 he was no longer welcome in our home after flunking out of college and years of lies. A few years ago out of the blue he called us and filled us in on his life since, 2 marriages and 3 children total, the oldest of whom he's not allowed to see for reasons we don't know. Coincidentally, this call came about a year after his grandparents died. They long ago wrote him off as well. He asked if we wanted to know his kids. My husband felt we were headed for trouble if we agreed but I thought he'd changed. We live outside the US for financial reasons and he is aware of that. The first few years were fine, but we always felt he had an underlying motive. My husband had a serious bout with cancer 8 years ago and for now all is well, but our son never asks.

Regardless, we have sent the kids gifts via online shopping for birthdays and Christmas. Our son arranged video chats so we could watch them open them. Fast forward to the present, a few months back, I received a call from a bill collector on an account our son had. My elderly sister with dementia also got one and thought it was for us. Obviously she was very upset. After I explained to her it was for him, she calmed down. This really upset me because people in her state generally get agitated with these situations, so I decided to message our son on Facebook, the only way we have communicated in this time. He has had no contact with anyone in the family over all these years, no one. I had received numerous similar calls over the years for our son and felt this was the last straw. I explained her circumstances to him and told him to take care of his business and to make sure neither she nor we receive anymore such calls. Apparently he wasn't too pleased. His response was very curt and abrupt. Since then, there have been no video chats for grandkids' birthdays and no other communication.

So my quandry is Christmas is coming. Do we send something? The kids, 12 and 15 haven't acknowledged their birthday gifts despite the older one having her own FB account. I've tried messaging her and her brother through the account, but I don't get a response. We are torn. The kids are old enough to know better if their parents taught them properly, but again, they're young and should not be dragged into this dispute. We just feel we don't want to be used and abused as we were for so many years with our son. When he lived with us our lives we're horribly unhappy for so many reasons. We actually had lost any love for him and perhaps I was foolish in thinking we could regain it. Truly our lives were better off without him and maybe now would be the time to end this charade of a "reconciliation".We sincerely could use some objectivity here, please. Thanks so much.
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Let it go; let him go. The kids are old enough to contact you if they want to. I wouldn't contact any of them nor would I send any more gifts unless I knew they were appreciated. Good luck.
 
I agree with C'est Moi.

And you're right - the reconciliation was a charade. Too bad. :(
Close that door and move on.
 

Don't send them any more gifts,since they've never sent a thankyou note or email
You don't need to be disappointed once again,nothing is going to change with them.As difficult as this maybe for you,its time to cut off the 'family string' Sue
 
Thank you, Applecruncher and C'est Moi. That's how we we're leaning and mainly I didn't want to hurt the kids, but they may not even care since they really don't know us. I guess we should seek comfort in knowing we tried. It will be a relief emotionally. Your thoughts are so appreciated.
 
Oh, Nanny in distress, ..I am the mother of an only child,, and I can fully imagine how difficult it must have been for you to cut the parental ties with him at the young age of 19...whatever caused it must have been horrendous for you to have come to that decision.

I can also fully understand your hope that he may have changed in the intermittent years... from your story, he clearly has not.

His father is a cancer survivor, his aunt has dementia, and yet he has no empathy for them at all, in fact despite that, and the anxiety it would cause he was willing to try and defraud both you and his aunt, while you and his father tried to make a relationship with his children..

In a nutshell, I'm afraid I would have no compunction but to cut the umbilical cord immediately , and for good . The children..( and the 15 year old is not that young)... know you exist now, and if they're under the influence of their father not to contact you, then if they are interested then they could contact you when they come of age..but as far as your son is concerned though.., ..you're only going to suffer mentally, and perhaps physically, if you continue to have him in your life ...sad but I believe true!!
 
Let him go, but no reason not to share with the children if you want to. A gift has no strings attached.

I do feel sad for you... they haven't been brought up properly. If you feel better not sending gifts, that's ok too. You're right, they don't seem to care.

Best wishes...I hope it all works out.
 
I would let them go. I can only imagine how hard it will be to do that but once you make the decision you will find the weight from all this will be lifted. I think if one or more of those kids finally sees the light,in this day and age, they will be able to find you if they truly want a relationship with you and your husband..
 
I would let them go also. Sometimes there are no happy choices only the one that is not toxic. To remind me, I have a poster on the wall which states that one of life’s hardest choices is knowing when to keep trying, and when to let go. I applaud your strength.
 
Oh, Nanny, my heart goes out to you. What a dilemma. I'd have to go with the above recommendations to let it go. The children are old enough to get in touch with you on their own. If they don't, either because they've been forbidden to, or lied to, or they feel disloyal to their father, or they just don't care......well, you've done what you can. There's always the chance they will contact you when they're older.
 
I agree with the others, let him go, he seems to just want to use you anyway and he can't be trusted after all this time. I'm sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve it, cut the ties. I'm happy your husband is doing okay after his cancer, both of you should make the best of your lives and take care. Welcome.
 
We are deeply amazed and encouraged by the supportive and caring responses we've received. It is way beyond our expectations. Your heartfelt expressions have bolstered our decision to close this chapter that probably shouldn't have been opened, but as parents we all are willing to give an errant child just one more chance even at our own expense. I'm crying as I type this, not because I'm sad but because I'm both relieved and overwhelmed. A thank you is so insufficient but know I will never forget the kindness we have been shown and my husband and I wish each of you in this community the very best in life and may happiness follow you each day. Hugs to all!
 
Nancy, I would go ahead and send gifts to the children one last time and tell them in a note that if they wish to contact you in the future they are welcome to. I wouldn't want any of my grandchildren to think I was shutting the door on them without at lest giving them a "goodbye".
 
Nanny in distress said:
We are deeply amazed and encouraged by the supportive and caring responses we've received. It is way beyond our expectations. Your heartfelt expressions have bolstered our decision to close this chapter that probably shouldn't have been opened, but as parents we all are willing to give an errant child just one more chance even at our own expense. I'm crying as I type this, not because I'm sad but because I'm both relieved and overwhelmed. A thank you is so insufficient but know I will never forget the kindness we have been shown and my husband and I wish each of you in this community the very best in life and may happiness follow you each day. Hugs to all!
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Take good care of yourselves.. and we're always here if you ever need to talk...
 
"The kids, 12 and 15 haven't acknowledged their birthday gifts despite the older one having her own FB account. I've tried messaging her and her brother through the account, but I don't get a response."

Nanny in distress = Your answer is in your original post. If the kids don't want to communicate or appreciate your gifts, that means they don't want any part of you. Let them be and enjoy your life without your son and his children's crap.
 
Thanks for your input, PVC. I've gotten such great support from everyone here. I'm done making excuses for the kids. I've been over making excuses for our son years ago. Somehow I'd hoped the kids would realize out of etiquette if nothing else, they should acknowledge receipt of gifts. So we're done with gifts, messaging, and worry. If they want to have a relationship with us, they know how to reach us. We were fine for almost 20 years without contact from our son and not even knowing the children existed, so I guess what you don't know you don't miss. Sure, it will hurt for a while, but there has been so much hurt and it's been much deeper than I realized. So as time marches on, so will we. Thanks so much for all the advice. Hugs to you all.
 
Linda said:
Nancy, I would go ahead and send gifts to the children one last time and tell them in a note that if they wish to contact you in the future they are welcome to. I wouldn't want any of my grandchildren to think I was shutting the door on them without at lest giving them a "goodbye".
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I like the ''middle of the road'' resolutions the best, and Linda has the perfect one (I had not read her post before posting mine). I tend to be harsh (see my prior post), but I like this one better. Perhaps your grandchildren are being TOLD not to communicate or maybe they just don't care, but this suggestion will keep the door open if they want to try when they're adults. Send them the final Christmas gifts and the note and then start with a clean slate in 2019.
 
I've been sitting in the middle of the road for the last few years, hoping to see a change in the relationship between us and our son, but we keep getting run over. I've considered the final gifting and goodbye note and may do that, but it's just so awkward. I've always felt they were forced to sit through the few video chats we've had. Certainly our son didn't want to be there; that was pretty obvious. It's a very involved situation and as I mentioned, one even professionial help couldn't fix. There's still time to consider alternatives but I know there could never be a "normal" relationship with the children. It may be harsh, but I personally am relieved when there is no contact. I know I never want to see our son again but wouldn't mind meeting the kids sometime if they're amenable. Very difficult.
 
Nanny, welcome to our forum, we have a great community here and caring posters. Since I joined, I've found this forum very enjoyable and helpful. Welcome again!
 
Thanks, PVC. I'm sure I'll be an active member, not just soliciting help but offering advice and experience on the various topics I've seen posted. Such a nice medium to have!
 
Unless you're a glutton for punishment, as a few members, in here, are, let them all go, and get on with your life. No good will come from continued contact, absolutely none.
 
Treeguy, you share the same philosophy as my husband. I think in cases like this, it's really such an emotional issue and it falls into that deep abyss of thinking emotionally. I'll admit men are much more objective in their thinking in emotional situations. (I don't want to open up another thread on this, LOL) You've all been so helpful and I appreciate everyone's viewpoint. Thanks so much.
 
treeguy64 said:
Unless you're a glutton for punishment, as a few members, in here, are, let them all go, and get on with your life. No good will come from continued contact, absolutely none.
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Nanny, your emotional conflict comes through in your writing. I can almost feel your pain. I agree with Treeguy that you need to let these people go.
 

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