Relationships you regret

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
Anyone following divorce can probably agree there are/were aspects of the relationship they regret, if not the whole thing, (hard to regret the whole thing, if there were children involved, as you'd have to regret them too).

As long as you believed at the time you married, or formed a relationship with someone, that you loved them, then whatever failings there might have been on your own part, your conscience, or feelings of guilt, are eased by that aren't they, (define "love" as you like, although I define it as a feeling of being happy with someone or you felt this towards the other person, AND you're not completely in charge of this feeling, so coming from your subconscious, and it can't just be turned off by force of your own will).

It is certainly possible we delude ourselves when we say we love someone, this has been said by an "expert" I've read about recently though I thought it before myself (sorry can't remember their name, but I may have mentioned them on another thread).

Is it the same to admit we delude ourselves when saying we love someone, or might be deluding ourselves saying and thinking we love someone, compared to the situation where a man or woman professing love for another does so knowing this isn't the way they feel?

Is it that much different to deliberately mislead someone, than mislead yourself to an extent, (if you can follow my reasoning here?)? I think it is different, and I remember during my marriage ceremony forty years ago, the vicar pointng out marriage should not be entered into "wantonly" too, though I didn't fully understand the word at that time.:censored:
 

What? I read this over a few times and im not sure I understand what you mean?

Do we delude ourselves when saying we love someone ?

You might delude yourself , but when I tell someone I love them, I really mean it. Thereā€™s no deluding myself. Thereā€™s no deluding anyone else.

Love doesnā€™t last for everyone. If a relationship breaks down then love can be lost. That doesnā€™t mean it wasnā€™t real to start with. Some people fall out of love.

Iā€™ve never regretted loving anyone. Each loving relationship I had, I learned from. I do , however, regret meeting some people and thereā€™s is a huge difference.
 
I've read an expert suggest "we" delude ourselves to some extent, and I agree with their view, and suspect it was true for myself, (we're dealing with our subconscious here don't forget, if its the kind of love I'm talking about?).

You have a different view, and on this topic I'm happy to say its "equally valid" (that sounds patronising I know, but I don't mean it that way).
 

I was deliberately misled by a pathological narcissist, according to the family counselor that I insisted we see. I think that I was in love with the idea of being loved, and that made me vulnerable - and naive. I was ignorant of all the manipulations and fell for all the lies. Only after the ex filed for divorce (my usefulness was tapped-out), did I start to dig into his past and face the truth - I was never loved, I was the means to his ends.
 
I was deluded. My husband had me believe he was somewhat intelligent and knew his business. Turned out he was a dumba** and didn't know anything. Oh well I loved him anyway and stayed with him 30 years. It was a wild ride at times which was good since I'd have probably divorced someone bland who did everything right all the time. Blah.
 
Difficult topic, self-analysis is chancy,
analysis of person you lived
with for a period of time is chancy.

Marriage is chancy,

Answer to question: yes, no, sort'a, maybe, could be, it's a chancy
deal-good luck.
 
Ok! Now I understand what you mean. Yes we can all get deluded by others and it can be painful. When we fall in love , most of us put our lovers on a pedestal and can get taken advantage of by doing so but thatā€™s all still part of being in love. People arenā€™t perfect and we do delude ourselves and may have help deluded ourselves by our partner. When that happens itā€™s really painful. You are left wondering whether to ever trust your heart again. Being in love can be painful. Trusting people can be painful.
 
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I'm sure I've posted the view of an expert that self delusion is an aspect of who we might "fall in love with" according to an expert, "but I might be deluding myself", as I can't find the darn thing now!
 
Judycat said:
Don't worry, I think I read the same view somewhere too.
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I did a google search as to whether delusion played a part in falling in love with someone and found far more than I was expecting, most of it about psychological abberations.

Here is a link to a newspaper article and a short extract:

"I have often found myself sitting in front of lovesick patients, whose psychological pain and behavioural disturbances are equal in severity to any of the symptoms of a major psychiatric illness. Such patients are usually embarrassed to disclose their thoughts; lovesickness is supposedly transitory, adolescent, inconsequential or ridiculous.

This couldnā€™t be further from the truth. The emotional and behavioural consequences of falling in love can be enduring and profound. I have treated an Oxford graduate who refused to move on when his girlfriend of four months ended their relationship, paying her unwelcome visits and following her car to try to convince her of their love."

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...e-loved-me-can-psychologist-cure-lovesickness
 
Gaer said:
I'm confused. Is this thread about "Relationships you regret" or about "falling in love"?
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@Keesha "Clerambault syndrome ? "
Thanks for the new word to look up:
De Clerambault Syndrome (Erotomania): A ... - NCBI - NIH
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov ā€ŗ pmc ā€ŗ articles ā€ŗ PMC2552541
by HW Jordan - ā€Ž1980 - ā€ŽCited by 42 - ā€ŽRelated articles
"A syndrome which was first described by G.G. De Clerambault in 1885 is reviewed and a case is presented. Popularly called erotomania, the syndrome is characterized by the delusional idea, usually in a young woman, that a man whom she considers to be of higher social and/or professional standing is in love with her."
 
Keesha said:
I found it a bit confusing also. I believe itā€™s a thread about feeling taken advantage of in relationships and why they failed.
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I've stated the intention or topic in the OP, and repeated it when requested.

Is your confusion perhaps due to difficulty being experienced connecting telling someone you love them, (+regretting it), and whether at that very moment you doubt yourself, you maybe doubt what love might be, and you question yourself a little as to whether you're deluding yourself?

An ex. girlfriend used the word "twitterpated" to describe me, and maybe she was right, perhaps I was "infatuated and obsessed" with her, and "in a state of nervous excitement", as she twisted me around her little finger!
 
grahamg said:
I've stated the intention or topic in the OP, and repeated it when requested.

Is your confusion perhaps due to difficulty being experienced connecting telling someone you love them, (+regretting it), and whether at that very moment you doubt yourself, you maybe doubt what love might be, and you question yourself a little as to whether you're deluding yourself?

An ex. girlfriend used the word "twitterpated" to describe me, and maybe she was right, perhaps I was "infatuated and obsessed" with her, and "in a state of nervous excitement", as she twisted me around her little finger!
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Yes you repeated it but I still donā€™t quite understand completely. Iā€™m not going to lie simply to make you happy. Thatā€™s not the way I roll.

AND as I stated earlier, NO I donā€™t ever regret telling someone I love them. If Iā€™m telling someone I love them, then while Iā€™m telling them that, I really love them. Have I ever been jaded and hurt by past relationships or even been used? You bet but Iā€™m not sharing that heartache with anyone here.

Falling in love is wonderful. Itā€™s probably one of the most wonderful feelings life has to offer. Falling out of love is horrible. Itā€™s painfully bitter and can be devastating but thereā€™s is no way Iā€™m tainting my loving experience with bitterness.

What you write about is being open and vulnerable to another person and to fully experience love, thatā€™s what is needed. We put the people we love on pedestals . Love surely can be blind but even that can be wonderful. You canā€™t be open to love without feeling vulnerable. Thatā€™s ALL part of the loving experience.

What you are writing about here ā€˜seemsā€™ like bitterness. It appears that you fell for someone, who used you ( according to you) and now you feel jaded so want to somehow redefine what you felt to protect your ego self.
 
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Keesha said:
Yes you repeated it but I still donā€™t quite understand completely. Iā€™m not going to lie simply to make you happy. Thatā€™s not the way I roll.

AND as I stated earlier, NO I donā€™t ever regret telling someone I love them. If Iā€™m telling someone I love them, then while Iā€™m telling them that, I really love them. Have I ever been jaded and hurt by past relationships or even been used? You bet but Iā€™m not sharing that heartache with anyone here.

Falling in love is wonderful. Itā€™s probably one of the most wonderful feelings life has to offer. Falling out of love is horrible. Itā€™s painfully bitter and can be devastating but thereā€™s is no way Iā€™m tainting my loving experience with bitterness.

What you write about is being open and vulnerable to another person and to fully experience love, thatā€™s what is needed. We put the people we love on pedestals . Love surely can be blind but even that can be wonderful. You canā€™t be open to love without feeling vulnerable. Thatā€™s ALL part of the loving experience.

What you are writing about here ā€˜seemsā€™ like bitterness. It appears that you fell for someone, who used you ( according to you) and now you feel jaded so want to somehow redefine what you felt to protect your ego self.
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I can "put you mind at rest on one thing", I don't want you to lie at all, nor anyone else about all most anything, including whether they love someone or not.

You say you like the fact love can be blind, and I've no problem with that either, and feels it enlightens the thread discussion a lot.

Finally please don't read bitterness into my words about an ex. (one who rang me last week BTW, even though its over yen years since we split up), and I don't feel bitter about at all now, I'm very glad to say.

This thread certainly isn't intended to explore the subject of couples breaking up, except very mildly, or incidently to the subject of regretting you've told someone you love them (which you've never done, I've got that loud and clear now!).

I want this thread to be lighthearted as much as possible, even though a discussion about love does create the possibility for more meaningful, or deeper comments.
 
grahamg said:
I want this thread to be lighthearted as much as possible, even though a discussion about love does create the possibility for more meaningful, or deeper comments.
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Oh my apologies then grahamg. You want this thread to be as ā€˜lightheartedā€™ as possible yet the thread title is ā€˜Relationships you regret.ā€™
That in itself is an oxymoron so itā€™s no wonder the thread is confusing but Iā€™ll take your hint and leave.
 
Keesha said:
Oh my apologies then grahamg. You want this thread to be as ā€˜lightheartedā€™ as possible yet the thread title is ā€˜Relationships you regret.ā€™
That in itself is an oxymoron so itā€™s no wonder the thread is confusing but Iā€™ll take your hint and leave.
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No hint intended and you've made a useful contribution, and believe it or not I seriously didn't think of the confusion you quite rightly point out. :mad: .
 
I come across this argument very often in discussions, and can have some sympathies with it too, in "some circumstances", quote:

ā€œThe best thing about philosophy is that thereā€™s no right or wrong answer.ā€

Here is the research paper using the above quote as a title:

https://www.thephilosophyman.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/No-Right-or-Wrong-Answer.pdf

The relevance to this thread is tenuous I admit, however in this case I'd say there isn't a right or wrong conclusion to draw on that matter, (and I'd say affairs of the heart, and deciding when to tell someone you love them, is fraught with complications, and contradictions, unlike others who take a different view ;) ).:)
 

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