Sex as a senior

[Pepper]

But @Pepper what if his wife does not want to get back together? What if his wife is just waiting until their son has graduated from HS and leaving then? The son is 17. A mother would usually not disrupt the child’s life at this point in time. Although, due to covid, his life has probably been disrupted.

I am terribly curious why you support the OP without knowing the story the wife would/might tell. Can you explain this to me? It seems you have chosen a side. Am I wrong? Also, there is COVID-19. The OP talks about using prostitution or having an affair and risks bringing the virus home to his family so he can “have sex”. To me, IMO, this shows a disregard of the health of the family.

Your first paragraph: "What if, what if," and my answer is how should I know? I'm not hearing the story from his wife's point of view, so I'm only listening to him. I am not against prostitution, I've known a few here & there in my time.

I think I answered basically all your questions, I think.

 

[Dana]

The Original Poster has made it quite clear he does not want to continue the conversation. Why can't this be respected?

 

[JustBonee]

The Original Poster has made it quite clear he does not want to continue the conversation. Why can't this be respected?

He joined the board to get reaction IMO, and he got plenty ... so he should be happy now.

This isn't new... . Many people have joined, and their very first post is all about their life miseries... mostly made-up for conversation.
People fall for it.

 

[LSWOTE]

I meant, try and ignore them. There are ‘many’ pot stirrers on here who only acknowledge other posters as such. Since this is such a sensitive topic, I can completely understand your defensive ego standing your ground to defend yourself. That’s perfectly normal. You’ve had some incredibly rude and insensitive comments thrown your way. It could be a combination of the fact that you are ‘new’ and the fact that the topic is so personal and vulnerable. Perhaps it makes others uncomfortable. While you are incognito, they may view this much sharing as a complete betrayal. Who knows? I sure don’t. It’s a ‘discussion forum.’ Members can either participate and offer you suggestions to consider or move along if it’s not their ‘cup of tea.’

I do however understand that dynamics can certainly change in relationships over time and if we don’t address the underlining issues, these changes can take the relationship in a whole new direction which can take on a life of their own.

You say that this non sexual relationship was a mutual decision but don’t mention how this came about. You also mention the use of prostitutes and how this was hidden from your wife. Why?

If this relationship was based on mutual ‘friendship’ with no sexual relationship, then your changing your mind has broken that agreement so naturally there would be conflict.

You clearly don’t wish to divulge all the details of this relationship and I don’t blame you in the least. There are basically only two suggestions I can offer.

1/. Both agree to take counselling to resolve your issues.
2/. Accept the relationship as it is and find other solutions to your frustrations. I’m not sure anything can fill that void of healthy human intimacy but there certainly are close runners up.

Either way, I wish you luck and pure happiness with or without a sexual relationship.
Ultimately you have to decide whether you will continue to accept this relationship as is or move on. Like some others have mentioned, you cannot force someone to be sexually attracted to you. They either are or they are not. There’s not a lot you can do to change others. They are who they are. The only person you can change is yourself.

Well when I said the lack of intimacy was mutual, I don't mean we ever discussed it, just that both of us were angry at each other a lot so sex became infrequent. Then I was badly injured, and my recovery was worsened by bull-headedness on my part being unwilling at first to accept the gravity of the situation so my wife stopped seeing me as a strong male and piled a lot of blame on me for the situation as well. I should note that while I was no longer the bull of the man I was before my injury, I still worked and provided for the family and spent time doing things with my son to the best of my ability and still do to this day.

For years between my injury and problems related to it and my wife's anger with me for being somewhat culpable for worsening my injury when it first happened, I accepted with the lack of intimacy, but eventually I recovered to the point that my sex drive has been getting stronger and stronger and the lack of intimacy has been much more palpable for me.

As far as the prostitutes, they were before I was married to my wife or before I even met her. When the situation came about where I found out my wife was so anti-prostitute and she ended up asking me whether I had been with prostitutes, I had not expected her negative viewpoint about prostitutes and it was quite clear it would be a big deal. At that point we had a young child together and we argued about so many things already I didn't think her narrow view of something I had done in the past before I met her was something I had to be accountable to her about. I don't view prostitutes or sex-work as immoral and despite what people say, it doesn't have to be a degrading situation for either yourself or the prostitute and it wasn't for me.

So now I am 18 years into my marriage and despite her anger she didn't leave and I don't think she will at least until my son graduates high-school in about a year. She has told me point blank she prefers divorce to counseling, but still I have doubts she will initiate a divorce even then unless things were to become intolerable to her.

So it is left to me to decide what I can tolerate.

 

[Keesha]

Well when I said the lack of intimacy was mutual, I don't mean we ever discussed it, just that both of us were angry at each other a lot so sex became infrequent. Then I was badly injured, and my recovery was worsened by bull-headedness on my part being unwilling at first to accept the gravity of the situation so my wife stopped seeing me as a strong male and piled a lot of blame on me for the situation as well. I should note that while I was no longer the bull of the man I was before my injury, I still worked and provided for the family and spent time doing things with my son to the best of my ability and still do to this day.

For years between my injury and problems related to it and my wife's anger with me for being somewhat culpable for worsening my injury when it first happened, I accepted with the lack of intimacy, but eventually I recovered to the point that my sex drive has been getting stronger and stronger and the lack of intimacy has been much more palpable for me.

As far as the prostitutes, they were before I was married to my wife or before I even met her. When the situation came about where I found out my wife was so anti-prostitute and she ended up asking me whether I had been with prostitutes, I had not expected her negative viewpoint about prostitutes and it was quite clear it would be a big deal. At that point we had a young child together and we argued about so many things already I didn't think her narrow view of something I had done in the past before I met her was something I had to be accountable to her about. I don't view prostitutes or sex-work as immoral and despite what people say, it doesn't have to be a degrading situation for either yourself or the prostitute and it wasn't for me.

So now I am 18 years into my marriage and despite her anger she didn't leave and I don't think she will at least until my son graduates high-school in about a year. She has told me point blank she prefers divorce to counseling, but still I have doubts she will initiate a divorce even then unless things were to become intolerable to her.

So it is left to me to decide what I can tolerate.

Thank you for answering that. It puts a different spin on all of this. I happen to believe your story and think you ARE telling us the truth.
I’ve been in a similar phase with my husband when we were having issues. Many of the things you spoke of rang true for our situation at the time and we had to make some important decisions and grow up a bit.

Unfortunately unhealthy behaviour can become a habit and often we or our partner turn into enablers of such unhealthy social practices where they start to appear normal.

In my opinion, not that I’m an expert on human relationships , but I think actions speak a LOT louder than words and after years of arguing and not getting anywhere, my husband just started acting differently. He matured in ways I can’t quite explain and all I know is that it worked. He earned my trust and respect back which was something I never thought he could do. He made the decision to not listen to my negativity and make the necessary changes and in doing so, greatly helped change the dynamics of our long standing issues. In return I started changing my actions and became more mature and respectful myself. Our relationship has changed drastically without counselling. Counselling only works if you are on the same page and both willing to go.

Perhaps you can make the decision that you are going to accept the relationship as is. If you can’t do that then you might want to prepare yourself for divorce BUT I DO think any relationship can do a complete 180. It depends how important your family is to you. Even if she leaves you when your son graduates, you still need to maintain a civil, healthy relationship for the sake of your son. I’m not suggesting you need to stay together. I’m just suggesting that healthy relationships bring about better well being and ultimate happiness than unhealthy , difficult ones.

You seem to accept ownership in your part of the breakdown of the relationship which shows honesty, maturity and realistic perception. You aren’t blaming this all on her which is good. I personally think there’s hope. If this is something important to you then ACT your way into the person you need to become without any expectations from others. It works.
I wish you the very best.

 

[Matrix]

Please read: https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/about-mature-content-and-links.4175/