'Smithers'.

Ferocious

Ferocious

R.I.P. With Us In Spirit Only
Location
UK
'Smithers'



In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual
courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches etc) the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my
adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's
really the strength of this office. His talent is simply
boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised
to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and
pockmarked specimen of humanity, and only three feet tall.


"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. Ive represented Great Britain in equestrian
events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of....."



Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers,
he can find all that in your file.



Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off!!!"

 
Husband and wife have yet another fight.

The wife phones her mother and tells her, "Bob and me had another fight. I'm leaving him and coming back to live with you!"

Mother replies, "NO! He needs to be really punished. I'm coming to live with YOU!"
__________________
 
A gardener was passing an asylum wheeling a barrow full of manure - one of the inmates asked him what it was for " To put on my rhubarb " he said,
the lunatic replied " You should come in here - we get custard on ours !"
 
Rooming with a Snorer?

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they votedto take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed,patted him on the ****, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
 
QUICKIE IN THE
BUSHES

There are two
statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells
them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing
summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes
to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her,
she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The
angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After 15 minutes, the two return, out of Breath and
laughing.
The angel tells
them, 'Um, you have 15 minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her, 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions’.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you poo on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING???
 
Ferocious said:
QUICKIE IN THE
BUSHES

There are two
statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells
them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing
summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes
to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her,
she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The
angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After 15 minutes, the two return, out of Breath and
laughing.
The angel tells
them, 'Um, you have 15 minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her, 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions’.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you poo on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING???
Click to expand...

;):D:D
 
Two businessmen in Cardiff

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."



'Pensioners' - don't mess with them!!!!!!
 
Rico

A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Rico was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where they made wild passionate love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No!"
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled andasked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No!"
The stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last bit of his strength, he barely managed it, but they endedtogether screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping for air.
Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her beautiful sexy eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I Norwegian."
 
Ferocious said:
A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Rico was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where they made wild passionate love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No!"
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled andasked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No!"
The stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last bit of his strength, he barely managed it, but they endedtogether screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping for air.
Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her beautiful sexy eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I Norwegian."
Click to expand...

So, was his name Rico or Guido ???????????????
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out
onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back and see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me, officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my backyard is next to a Golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into
my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off... kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'

So now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers

and every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I grab hold
of it and say,
'OK, buddy!

Give me $20 or off it comes.

"That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away .Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happenconsidering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'
 
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different.

He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer.... Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
 
The Last Nickel

The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3
nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking,
getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins
and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on
choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well
dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar
reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she
looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
restaurant.
>
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to
the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No,"the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
 
Puppy

Puppy


A man was taking his son for a walk through the park and came upon two dogs hard at it.
"What are they doing Dad? the young fellow asked his father.
Making puppies was the quick response.
A couple of weeks later the young fellow barged into his parent bedroom where they were making passionate love.
"What are you doing Dad?" asked the curios young lad.
"Making a baby brother for you", was Dad's quick response.
"Could you turn Mom over", asked the young lad, "As I would rather have a puppy."
 
True strory

Met a neighbour this afternoon and he was telling me that he was about 6 in ww2 and living in Bradford.
The air raid siren went off and his mother herded him and his siblings into the air raid shelter in the garden. His father was nowhere to be seen and his mother shouted - " Jack - where are you ?"
His voice came from the house ........ "I'm looking for my teeth"
His wife shouted ...... " They'll be dropping bombs - not bloody pork pies. Get in the shelter"
 
Flatulence


A man wentto the doctors and explained that he wasn't there for himself,
but it was about his wife but she was too embarrassed to come in and see him.

[FONT=&quot]"What's the problem asked the doctor?"[/FONT]
"The problem is", said the man, "That every timeI embrace my wife she breaks wind."
"Bring her in on Thursday", said the doctor.
The man and wife went into the surgery on Thursday.
"Embrace your wife", said the doctor.
They embraced and the wife let go a 'ripsnorter'.
"Do that again", saidthe doctor.
They did and the same thing happened.
The doctor asked, "Can I embrace your wife?"
He did and good enough she let go another good one.
The wife was passed from one to another and she still kept letting go.
The doctor scratchedhis head then took a pole from the cupboard with a hook on the end,
"What are you going to do with that", asked the husband?
The doctor replied,"I'm going to open the bloody window it stinks in here"
 
A Little Boy..........


A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said. '"I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom...........and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." :D

 
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