These are very old.......
I once dated a guy who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, he was lack toes intolerant
· I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
· I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
· I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
· Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven.
· I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!"
He replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
· Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
· The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
· Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.
· How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
· My friend said she wouldn't eat cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. I gave her an egg.
· Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
· Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
· My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.
· I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
· I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
· Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
· I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.