Son's second marriage...what should I do?

Colleen

Colleen

Senior Member
Location
Pennsylvania
My son (from a previous marriage) told me yesterday that he is engaged to his long-standing girlfriend of 10 years. He is 43 and had been married about 20 years ago and has been divorced for 11 years. He lives across the country from us but he's never kept in touch too much from the time he was 23. I get a text occasionally but he never calls. We've had some ups and down over the last 10 years because his girlfriends mother likes to control everyone but that didn't work out too well with us, so we've kept our distance for the most part. It's caused a strain on my relationship with my son but he lives close to them and his girlfriend is tied to her mother's apron strings. I know they will never come from PA to see us in AZ because she won't fly and she doesn't like to get that far away from her mother. Her family has pretty much become his life, too. A few years ago we moved from TX to PA to be closer to him but we were about 30 miles away and he never came to see us. We were always alone for holidays, too. They always went to her mother's house. It was very hurtful to me to realize he just didn't seem to care. Then my husband had a bad accident and was struggling for many months to heal. My son never called once nor offered to come cut the grass or help me take my husband to the doctor's, which I had to drive 35 miles one way twice a week for quite a while.

Almost 4 years ago, after my husband got better and we struggled with winter, we decided to move to AZ for our health. I have a herniated disc and arthritis in my hips and back so sitting and standing for any length of time is very painful for me. I should mention that my husband is 77 and I'm 71.

Now, there's going to be a wedding in PA in the near future and I'm not sure what I should do. I don't know if I should also mention that my son only has had contact with me (or my mother when she was alive) when he wants something like money or expects presents/money. He and his girlfriend have good jobs so it's not like they're destitute.

It's terrible of me to say, but I don't want to go to this wedding. Not only because of the reasons I've mentioned but we're living on a fixed income and don't have a lot of extra money to spare for plane tickets, hotels, rental car, clothes, gifts, etc.

Am I a bad mother for feeling this way? What would you do?
 

I simply wouldn't go...given that he's never made an effort to visit you, not even when his step-father was ill to be of help to his own mother , despite the fact that you went to the upheaval and expense of moving home to be near him to try and have some kind of relationship with him , and he still treated you with contempt... I'm afraid, I would have to call it a day, and decide I can do no more, and just simply state that you'd like to go, that the trip would be too expensive for you, and too hard at your age etc..and just send a gift you can afford. ... As you suspect, he's probably only invited you in the hope of wedding gifts rather than have the pleasure of the presence of his mother at the wedding..and I also believe from what you're saying that, if you did decide to go and therefore spend money you can ill afford, you would find yourselves totally sidelined at the wedding by his in-laws...so save yourself further heartache and just make your excuses...!!
 
DON'T GO ! Ignore the whole thing. They'll have other guests.

Have a good life with your husband. Good luck and good health to you and Hubby.
 

Hi Coleen
Your story sounds just like husbands son and DIL .
He was about 8 when I met my husband 31 years ago and I always got on well with him ,up until he met the woman he married about 6 years ago ,she is tied to her mothers apron strings and refused to travel to see any of hubs family 600 km away
When it came to them getting married we were ordererd that they wanted ..... or should I say SHE WANTED. $2.000 from us from a wedding gift :eek:mg1: we didn’t have that sort of money ....

We was then instructed to bring our caravan to stay in rather than the one and only motel in the little town where her parents live , as she wanted the motel rooms reserved for her guests

Our car we use to tow the caravan is very heavy on fuel ( it rarely gets used beacuse it’s so heavy on fuel )
and with the prices of petrol at the time it would have cost us around $600...$700 in petrol to,go to,the wedding ( and Home )
I didn’t want to attend anyway ,as I was going to be seated on a seperate table to my husband of 25 years at the time,while hubs was going to be seated next to his ex

So we decided not to go ,for one we would have had to borrow the money ,which we had no intentions of doing ,and neither of us liked the woman he was marrying .oh by the way we live on a government pension and they both have good paying jobs
 
I wouldn't go! He has made no effort to be anything to you or do anything for you in your time of need. I don't like it when children contact parents or grandparents only when they want something. I've stopped giving them what they ask for. You have every right to feel as you do, including not wanting to go. How would you be treated when you got there...overlooked again after making such a long trip? Their loss!
 
Thank you for your reply. It's hard to be like this but you're absolutely right. His first marriage was exactly like you said...we were ignored completely as he was so involved with his new family and friends. Sadly, we knew it wasn't going to last from the minute we met her but there was no talking to him....so....

I needed some kind of outside validation. My husband has never liked the way my son's treated me but he's kept his mouth shut for my sake. He's a good guy. The thing is...his kids have always been there for us. They came from CA to help us move from PA to AZ 4 years ago and they even relocated from CA to here to be closer to their dad.
 
Thanks...you're right. The first wedding was a total letdown for us because we were ignored like we weren't even there. Not going to do that again.
 
No, you are not a bad mother. You have the right to your feelings - they are what they are.

I don't think you should go to the wedding. The relationship is not consistent, you and DH have your own issues/struggles, and you say you can't afford to go. Send them a card - period.
 
Thanks for the comments. I feel so much better. I have been called a terrible mother by his girlfriend's mother because I missed sending a birthday card to her daughter. This was a few years ago when my husband was having surgery for his accident. I had a lot on my plate at the time and her birthday slipped my mind. That's when I stopped communicating with her mother.

My husband doesn't say too much but he doesn't like the way my son treats me and only comes around when he wants something. Maybe I'll leave everything to someone else when I'm gone.:(
 
I agree with the others here Colleen, you're not a bad mother at all, and you shouldn't do any more than send a card. It would be foolish to do any more, IMO.
 
Colleen you sound like a very caring mother ,I’m like your hubby I kept my mouth shut at all times when it came to anything to do with hubbies kids ( he has two ) 44 and 40 ..

By the way a very warm welcome all the way from a very hot. South Australia :wave::wave:
 
I don't want to be mean-spirited about this wedding, and I'm glad he's happy, but I also don't want to be used. I'm going to talk it over with my husband and see what his feelings are. I can honestly say he won't be in favor of us going, but he will leave the final decision up to me.

I know what my decision will be.

Thanks so much for confirming what I already felt was enough.
 
Look forward if you can

Colleen said:
Thanks for the comments. I feel so much better. I have been called a terrible mother by his girlfriend's mother because I missed sending a birthday card to her daughter. This was a few years ago when my husband was having surgery for his accident. I had a lot on my plate at the time and her birthday slipped my mind. That's when I stopped communicating with her mother.

My husband doesn't say too much but he doesn't like the way my son treats me and only comes around when he wants something. Maybe I'll leave everything to someone else when I'm gone.:(

Colleen wrote:
"I don't want to be mean-spirited about this wedding, and I'm glad he's happy, but I also don't want to be used. I'm going to talk it over with my husband and see what his feelings are. I can honestly say he won't be in favour of us going, but he will leave the final decision up to me.

I know what my decision will be.

Thanks so much for confirming what I already felt was enough."​
Click to expand...

I'm not going to challenge the consensus of views being given to you so far, although I will make one very simple point you may agree with perhaps.

If your son approached you in the right way do you think it is just possible you'd feel differently about his wedding, even if for other reasons you chose not to go? The loyalty he shows toward his partner's family, transcending anything else, that is probably always going to be there, as long as they're together (which maybe wont be for ever, given divorce rates - I know its odd to talk about divorce when considering a marriage but it is just a fact marriage breakdowns are very high). He can't say "Look mum its the way my fiancé and her family are that makes me behave as I do", but that may be the truth, and yet it might make a difference to you if he were to say how much it meant to him for you to be there at his wedding.

Although its a second marriage and maybe some of the starry eyed aspects of first marriages don't apply, and I agree from all you've told us there is no need to feel guilt if in the end you don't go, however, many people these days attend marriages where they encounter ex.'s they can't stand, and other people they've fallen out with at some point, but somehow do stomach it and perhaps feel better for doing so.
 
My answer would depend upon knowing more. Who moved away from the other, did you move to another state or did your son?
Just wondered who left who. I would never consider leaving my 26 year old son, ever going that far away. But I should never say never eh?

And you say "your husband" but does that mean he is not your son's father?
did he grow up in a broken home? Clearly to move away from loved one's then expect them to spend money to travel and take time off from work to travel isn't fair.
I hope that is not your expectation
I would never moved far away from our 26 year old son. But if I did, it wouldn't surprise me if many years later i moved back and he wasn't too interested in seeing me.
Couldn't really blame him now could I?
Moreso if he experienced a broken home where clearly, his needs were not met which leaves scarring. I wouldn't fret about making up for that trauma whatsoever
I am sorry for you and your husbands ill health but moving back closer to your son for the purpose of expecting help with your husband (whom is not his father, or is) seems a bit, well.. callous
Especially if you are the one who left him originally
To expect grown children to chase their parents when they move far away isn't right when it was the parents who separated from them in the first place.
He let you know about the marriage for a reason
If he grew up in a broken home, please give him a chance. Many chances without obligation to you
The girlfriends parents cannot keep him from you.

To be safe, I would certainly go to his wedding.
You are his mother and it shows you care, even if you need to scrimp.
Your husband need not go though if he is not his father, that will save some $$.
Especially if you moved away from him.

This must be very difficult for you all. I'll pray for you and this situation.
It might be time for you to step up to the plate and be a Mom despite the consequences.
Don't expect anything in return. Just apolgoize if you haven't been there as you should've been
Add your intent to change that while expect nothing in return
If you are not involved in a bible believing church, I'd try that first.
Blessings to you and your husband
You are very pretty, btw.
 
I’d call him and wish him all the happiness in the world
….and stay home
No blight, all parties

there's enough angst in this world
no need to feed a tenuous situation
 
Robusta said:

A Daughter is a Daughter all of her Life, A Son is a Son until he takes him a Wife!!!
Click to expand...

I've also heard that comment many times. From my experience, I have not found it to be true. We have three daughters and a son, all of them married. The one DIL is one of the kindest people that I've met. She calls my wife a couple of times a week, just to chat, and is constantly asking us to visit for a few days. They're only a bit over an hour and a half away and we're headed down later this week to spend the week-end and return next Tuesday. My wife is more apt to scold my son for something than our DIL.

Our three daughters include her in their "girl's week-end" when they all go to one of the girls cottage in Maine and always call her little "sista". So, no, our son brought a wonderful bright light into our family and we will always be thankful for his choice. To end this, she's an RN, they are now in their mid 50's, have six kids, and two married (giving them 3 grandkids) Fortunately, she is a cancer survivor that required a double mastectomy a few years back.
 
Gary O' said:
I’d call him and wish him all the happiness in the world
….and stay home
No blight, all parties

there's enough angst in this world
no need to feed a tenuous situation
Click to expand...

I agree!

I think that it was nice of him to call and invite you to his wedding.

Wish him sincere good wishes for his future happiness and leave it at that.

I would not rehash all of the baggage or list any reasons why I could not attend but I would leave the door open for future communications.

Good luck!
 


Back
Top