Son's second marriage...what should I do?

Colleen said:
Thanks for the comments. I feel so much better. I have been called a terrible mother by his girlfriend's mother because I missed sending a birthday card to her daughter. This was a few years ago when my husband was having surgery for his accident. I had a lot on my plate at the time and her birthday slipped my mind. That's when I stopped communicating with her mother.

My husband doesn't say too much but he doesn't like the way my son treats me and only comes around when he wants something. Maybe I'll leave everything to someone else when I'm gone.:(
Click to expand...

Colleen - -I don't wish you to misunderstand my reply to Robusta. My remark was only concerning that old saying regarding "sons and wives".

I do sympathize with your situation but not knowing the facts regarding your family's early years when your son was a little tyke, I would not presume to have an answer. It's a judgment that you and your husband will make as the rest of us can only base our thoughts on (mostly) our own experiences. I'm still with the girl that I met 65 years ago, so my experience is even more limited than many. LOL
 

Outdoorsygal........Your assumptions that he has a damaged psyche because he was "left" as a youngster is certainly way off base and wasn't the case at all! He was raised with a mother and a father. Had lots of friends. Joined in many sports and was an "A" student. He went to college and is a professional in the work field of his choice. He was 23 years old with a steady job and on his own when I "left" him to go to CA for my husband's job. My son chose not to go with us. He visited us once in the years we lived in CA and did not want to relocate from PA. When he got married the first time, we did all the things the grooms parents are supposed to do. We flew back for all the "festivities" and paid for what we were required to pay for. It was a joke and a circus, but we kept our mouths shut and let him do what he wanted to do. My husband retired shortly after that and we traveled around the US in our RV. We spent summers in PA to be near my in-laws and my son, which we never saw. His wife would not let him visit and he either didn't want to see us or he conceded to her wishes to keep peace. We have done everything to try to have a relationship with him but he has chosen to not feel the same. He's 43 and at this point in my life I'm tired of trying to make something work that isn't going to.

That's up to you if you don't want to cut the apron strings with your kids and if they're OK with that than that's fine for you, but don't judge me because I want to live my own life now. You don't have all the facts. I only gave you what I wanted to give you, so don't try to analyze anything because you have no clue what you're talking about. You'd be better off keeping your opinions to yourself.
 
Colleen, my brother did pretty much the same thing. He married a woman all the way across country, and she didn't allow him to have his own friends and family. He had her family and that was it.

My mother went to their wedding and the bride's mother said she thought it was a terrible mistake. She said her daughter had always been overbearing, and she was going to make every decision and my brother was going to let her. That's exactly what happened. He was never allowed to talk to any of us after that, not even my mother after the wedding.
 

You should feel no obligation to go. I know that's hard. I would be torn like you but you can see that no one would consider you a bad mother or person.
 
We attended the Spousal Equivalent's son's wedding a couple of years back. We were never acknowledged, not introduced to anyone, and were placed at the children's table in the corner partly behind a screen.

In other words, they would have been just as happy if we didn't attend, but if we hadn't, THAT would have been held against us.

Go....don't go.....it won't make a lot of difference in the long run.
 
My husband and I talked about it a couple days ago and we were in agreement that it would be a waste of time, energy and money, so why put ourselves through it??? If our son would have stayed in contact with us over the last 20 years (would a phone call have been so hard...at least once a month??), that would be a different story and I wouldn't be on here asking for opinions. As it is, we honestly don't feel guilty about missing the whole thing....and I'm sure he won't miss us either. I hate to admit this about my own son, but he's a taker. That's the only time we hear from him is when he wants something.

So, we've decided to save ourselves a lot of grief and not attend. We'll wish him the best and send them a wedding card and get on with our lives. He's actually made the decision for us.
 
Robusta said:

A Daughter is a Daughter all of her Life, A Son is a Son until he takes him a Wife!!!
Click to expand...

Not true in traditional Asian culture, I'm afraid. Daughters marry into their husband's family; sons always remain part of his family. Things are loosening up a bit as the next generation kids absorb more of American culture, but it only goes so far.

My DH was 12 when he came to the U.S., so his cultural roots are fairly strong. He's an only child, too, so caring for his mother in her old age was a given, especially when his stepfather passed away and he became the de facto "man of the house" even though she didn't move in with us until four years afterwards.
 
Colleen said:
My husband and I talked about it a couple days ago and we were in agreement that it would be a waste of time, energy and money, so why put ourselves through it??? If our son would have stayed in contact with us over the last 20 years (would a phone call have been so hard...at least once a month??), that would be a different story and I wouldn't be on here asking for opinions. As it is, we honestly don't feel guilty about missing the whole thing....and I'm sure he won't miss us either. I hate to admit this about my own son, but he's a taker. That's the only time we hear from him is when he wants something.

So, we've decided to save ourselves a lot of grief and not attend. We'll wish him the best and send them a wedding card and get on with our lives. He's actually made the decision for us.
Click to expand...

You've made the same decision I would have made, especially in light of the distance and the travel costs involved and the unwelcoming tone of the invitation. Just my opinion.
 
Colleen said:
Thank you for your reply. It's hard to be like this but you're absolutely right. His first marriage was exactly like you said...we were ignored completely as he was so involved with his new family and friends. Sadly, we knew it wasn't going to last from the minute we met her but there was no talking to him....so....

I needed some kind of outside validation. My husband has never liked the way my son's treated me but he's kept his mouth shut for my sake. He's a good guy. The thing is...his kids have always been there for us. They came from CA to help us move from PA to AZ 4 years ago and they even relocated from CA to here to be closer to their dad.
Click to expand...
Colleen your husband's children are your family. They sound like wonderful children. My son is wonderful too...even more attentive and protective now that I'm older. His ex and his current wife are also like my daughters. They keep track of me. The ex, who drives, will call from time to time to see if I need to go someplace or need something, even though she knows my husband takes me places. The DIL calls me too, sends me food sometimes and I have fun conversations with both of them. The Ex is the mother of two of my grandchildren. She called me New Years eve and said she wanted to end the year right so could she and the children come over that afternoon. They came and we had the best time. I was honored that she wanted to spend time with me. Sometimes, unfortunately, blood relatives fail the family test. Your son missed the boat and someday he just may regret it.
 
I don't know what your financial situation is, but going into debt at this point in life would not be a wise move for you - particularly on behalf of someone who displays so little concern for you. If you can afford it, you might want to take the high road and send both a card and a present.
 
This is an older post, but I wanted to share with you what a close friend said to me one time when I also had a problem going on at the time and was up in the air as to how best to handle it. He simply told me to "Follow my heart." Let your feelings and your conscience be your guide.

In the situation that you have stated, IMHO, you are not a bad mother for not wanting to go to the wedding. You have stated some very viable reasons why you don't have to go. I think that because you and your son are not close and he has done some hurtful things, I don't think anyone would blame you for not going. He's an older adult now and this is his second marriage, so the choice is yours and nobody's else.
 
No contact and to top it off a divorced person gets married in a formal wedding-either one would leave me at home.

After a certain point marriage is a formality, not a formal occasion.
 
I thank all of you for your comments and insights. I'm so glad I posted this here because sometimes when we're in these situations it's difficult to step back from it to look at it objectively. This helped me (us) sort this out. My husband has been all for not going right from the start, but he would have gone if it would have been my desire to do so. However, I've made peace with myself about it and I'm not in turmoil any more (Thanks to your words of wisdom :)), so we're not going. A nice card and well wishes to them and that will be that. Thanks again:)
 
Wise decision.

My relationship with my oldest son is so much like yours I could have written your posts for you. The only difference is that when he got married for the second time he never even bothered to tell us. :confused: I probably should be grateful for that.

Because now the youngest is about to marry (for the first time) at age 44, and after living together for years. The whole thing is getting bigger than Ben Hur, but these two are so much more inclusive of us, even though she has a really large family, and they are very close.

There's no way I could rain on their parade, so I guess I will bite my tongue, but I really like WhatInThe's comment ...
After a certain point marriage is a formality, not a formal occasion.
Click to expand...
I'm stealing that one. :)
 
Outdoorsygal said:
My answer would depend upon knowing more. Who moved away from the other, did you move to another state or did your son?
Just wondered who left who. I would never consider leaving my 26 year old son, ever going that far away. But I should never say never eh?

And you say "your husband" but does that mean he is not your son's father?
did he grow up in a broken home? Clearly to move away from loved one's then expect them to spend money to travel and take time off from work to travel isn't fair.
I hope that is not your expectation
I would never moved far away from our 26 year old son. But if I did, it wouldn't surprise me if many years later i moved back and he wasn't too interested in seeing me.
Couldn't really blame him now could I?
Moreso if he experienced a broken home where clearly, his needs were not met which leaves scarring. I wouldn't fret about making up for that trauma whatsoever
I am sorry for you and your husbands ill health but moving back closer to your son for the purpose of expecting help with your husband (whom is not his father, or is) seems a bit, well.. callous
Especially if you are the one who left him originally
To expect grown children to chase their parents when they move far away isn't right when it was the parents who separated from them in the first place.
He let you know about the marriage for a reason
If he grew up in a broken home, please give him a chance. Many chances without obligation to you
The girlfriends parents cannot keep him from you.

To be safe, I would certainly go to his wedding.
You are his mother and it shows you care, even if you need to scrimp.
Your husband need not go though if he is not his father, that will save some $$.
Especially if you moved away from him.

This must be very difficult for you all. I'll pray for you and this situation.
It might be time for you to step up to the plate and be a Mom despite the consequences.
Don't expect anything in return. Just apolgoize if you haven't been there as you should've been
Add your intent to change that while expect nothing in return
If you are not involved in a bible believing church, I'd try that first.
Blessings to you and your husband
You are very pretty, btw.
Click to expand...
Outdoorsygal you are SO out of line that it's not funny. Did you even read the original post??!! Apparently not. Particularly this part of what Colleen wrote: "A few years ago we moved from TX to PA to be closer to him but we were about 30 miles away and he never came to see us. We were always alone for holidays, too. They always went to her mother's house. It was very hurtful to me to realize he just didn't seem to care. Then my husband had a bad accident and was struggling for many months to heal. My son never called once nor offered to come cut the grass or help me take my husband to the doctor's, which I had to drive 35 miles one way twice a week for quite a while.

Almost 4 years ago, after my husband got better and we struggled with winter, we decided to move to AZ for our health. I have a herniated disc and arthritis in my hips and back so sitting and standing for any length of time is very painful for me. I should mention that my husband is 77 and I'm 71."

For you to lay this on Colleen or insinuate her son may have come from a broken home is ludicrous. You asked questions that were already answered in her original post. She and her husband made an effort by moving to be close to her son but was ignored. And at the time her son was in his late 30's so it seems from her time frame. What does that have to do with you not considering moving away from your 26 year old son? That's your business and your choice but your son is a grown man. And certainly someone pushing 40 is grown and should be able to function without mommy being nearby. Parents have lives too. And those who consistently lead lives for their grown children eventually live to regret it because those children DO move on with their own lives, leaving a void if they're all the parent(s) focused on. You'd better hope it doesn't happen to you. Right now I'm angry for Colleen because like I said...you are totally out of line. I wasn't even going to sign in tonight but did so to respond to your inappropriate reply.
 
Yes, I agree, send a nice card and wish them all the best, and don't feel guilty, make the most of the time with your husband and friends with a grateful heart that you have each other.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top