Sudden, Unexplainable Hatred

imp

Senior Member
Have you ever had a friend, acquaintance, relative, or perhaps a neighbor, someone whom you knew fairly well, had experienced their "ups and downs", suddenly exhibit toward you a mean and hateful attitude, almost as though intending to inflict possible harm?

This happened to me recently. I'm trying to figure it out. I know I am not a great judge of character! :indecisiveness:

imp
 

Have you ever had a friend, acquaintance, relative, or perhaps a neighbor, someone whom you knew fairly well, had experienced their "ups and downs", suddenly exhibit toward you a mean and hateful attitude, almost as though intending to inflict possible harm?

This happened to me recently. I'm trying to figure it out. I know I am not a great judge of character! :indecisiveness:

imp

No. I can't say I have. You're not giving us enough to go on imp. One incident? Anything happen between you?
 
Have you ever had a friend, acquaintance, relative, or perhaps a neighbor, someone whom you knew fairly well, had experienced their "ups and downs", suddenly exhibit toward you a mean and hateful attitude, almost as though intending to inflict possible harm?

This happened to me recently. I'm trying to figure it out. I know I am not a great judge of character! :indecisiveness:

imp

This is where you make a mistake. It’s not your responsibility to analyze and “figure out” why someone is angry at you.

If I care about the person, I might ask …once. “Are you mad at me?”, “Have I offended you?”, “Why the nasty tone, attitude?” Once the person told me “Yes, I’m really pissed but I don’t want to talk about it right now.” That’s okay. Sometimes people need to cool off. Or, they need to get their words together because they’re upset and the subject is a difficult one for them (or maybe for both of us).

Sometimes we know why a person is mad. Sometimes we have no idea. But I don’t believe in guessing, wondering, making inquiries, walking on eggshells, etc.

But it is their responsibility to tell you, it's NOT your job to "figure it out". If they won’t, maybe you are better off without that relationship.

On the flip side, sometimes people will never admit they did anything wrong. :shrug:
 

Sometimes alzheimers or common senility can make a person "change personalities" at the drop of a hat. My normally very sweet grandmother, toward the end of her life, could turn on you like a viper with no warning and say really hateful things and then 10 minutes later, everything was hunky-dory. We just learned to shrug it off.
 
Alzhimers (sp) will do that, and a good friend WOULD help figure it out, if only by getting their family involved so they get treatment.
 
Sometimes alzheimers or common senility can make a person "change personalities" at the drop of a hat. My normally very sweet grandmother, toward the end of her life, could turn on you like a viper with no warning and say really hateful things and then 10 minutes later, everything was hunky-dory. We just learned to shrug it off.

jujube, my post doesn't apply to people with alzheimers, dementia, or any other disease. I didn't get the impression that OP's question was about that either.

I have yet to know of anyone who was suddenly the object of unexplained hatred/anger and it turned out to be alzheimers.

This is an interesting thread in and of itself. Hope it doesn't veer into an alzheimers discussion or some other medical topic.
 
Yes, My step daughter. My wife (her mother) and I refused to GIVE her $40,000 to fight her divorce case.
She was divorcing her millionaire husband and we figured our measly $40,000 donation would be a drop in the bucket
compared to their millions, and would be a waste of money.

She did get the divorce and also divorced US ! Haven't seen or heard from her since. Even her mother didn't seem to care
one way or the other.
 
Like my youngest son who hasn't spoken to me since I refused to pawn my truck to bail his check-bouncing wife out of jail? Only vehicle I had, and he already owed me a lot of money he made no effort to pay back. That was 23 years ago. And she dumped him 2 years after that.
 
Well Shali, To her credit, she was (is?) absolutely gorgeous (that's how she landed her husband) and smart. She became an actress and model.
She had several jobs acting in several movies and TV sitcoms, earned enough money to have a trip literally around the world.
I remember one morning she was leaving to go on a shoot over in the Valley (A Triumph sports car advert), and out at our curb sat a gold Cadillac
limo with the MGM logo on its side. She was gone most of the day due to several retakes.

Those were the fun days.......all gone now.
 
Falcon, when you make out that $40k check, the correct spelling is a-p-p-l-e-c-r-u-n-c-h-e-r.
No millionaire husband to get rid of, but I assure you I'll put it to good use...kinda/sorta.

:grin: :hatlaugh1:
 
Imp, would you be comfortable talking to this person about your concerns, or is the situation too toxic?

I would absolutely be comfortable with it, but have only an email ID. It's not a big thing, but rather one I thought others might be interested in addressing. The posts here reflect my maintaining than money is thicker than blood! imp
 
Looking back I have to acknowledge becoming the hater.

When I was only 20 years old I cut off my grandmother because of something she said to me when hubby and I went to tell her that we were getting married.
What she said was not unforgivable but I was hurt and I decided to eliminate her from my life. I stopped visiting without another word to her.

I maintained the rage to her very end, then I regretted my action deeply. My feelings of remorse would not leave me until I finally carried out an act of atonement in my forties.

If she, or someone else, had talked to me at the time, asking me what was the matter, it could all have been sorted out at the time. Once a split turns into a chasm it is very hard to build bridges.

As for the email ID, it is still worthwhile opening up a conversation starting with the heading R U OK? and expressing concern without any recrimination. You may be ignored but a seed will be planted that might soften a hardening heart.
 
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I don't think someone would abruptly cut another person out of their life forever if they really cared about the person just because of one incident. Repeated incidents, yes. And the bolded part is important. Cutting someone out because of one incident and not telling the other person why or being open to talking about it means the relationship wasn't valuable to begin with.
 
You are right on both counts AC.

There were repeated incidents in my case, but not towards me. I had often seen my mother in tears after encounters with Grandma. She had a painfully sharp tongue. She was also not an outwardly warm, loving person and as a child I had not developed a close relationship with her, in spite of her living in the same street as us.

However, she was my father's mother and she lived to see him die. She had previously lost two sons in the war and a daughter at the age of 18 from kidney disease. Her husband had died of silicosis of the lungs contracted partly from his occupation and made worse when he served in the Light Horse in Palestine during WW I. All I remember of him is his hacking cough.

As I matured I began to appreciate how hard her life must have been but I was unable to make the first step towards reconciliation. I did not have the interpersonal skills then. As I said earlier, the estrangement becomes deeper the longer it is not addressed.
 
DameW, I see nothing wrong with what you did.
Her hard life, though sad, was not your fault.

In the cases where I cut someone out, I now ask myself if my life is better or worse because of it. The answer is a resounding BETTER. I rarely think of them except in discussions such as this. The thing(s) they did/said were so heinous (and these were not one-time incidents) I'm not interested in a relationship or even in hearing their name(s).
 
Yes, AC, I think we are talking about different situations.

In my heart I am now at peace and I have tried very hard to be a different kind of mother in law and grandmother to my loved ones.
At least Grandma showed me what not to do.

If one day we should meet again on a celestial plane we will have much to discuss and the 'why' questions will be addressed at last.
 
DameW, (just to make myself clear) in my situations there was considerable hurt (to me) involved. One was sneaky about their actions and the other was in my face then tried to make light of it. I do not cut people out of my life for trivial reasons, and I did not do so lightly. It was after much thought and soul-searching. But I made the right decisions and never regretted doing so.
 
I've certainly had people be nasty to me for no reason (the neighbors when I owned a house especially though I didn't know them)

I agree with applecruncher on this one. Any physical or mental issues aside, and like someone told me once, you have no control over what another person does.

Perhaps you'll find out what the issue is but don't let it bother you.
 


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