Telling the only joke I know (a testament to how bored I am)

[Wrigley's]

This guy is sitting at home, reading the newspaper when he hears a knock at the door. He gets up and answers the door, and is a little ticked-off that there's no one there. Just as he closes the door, he's further ticked-off when he spots a snail on his wife's pretty welcome mat, and pitches it out toward the road.

Six months later, the guy's enjoying his newspaper when he hears a knock at the door. Again, he thinks no one is there, but the snail looks up at him and says, "What was up with THAT?"

 

[boozercruiser]

This guy is sitting at home, reading the newspaper when he hears a knock at the door. He gets up and answers the door, and is a little ticked-off that there's no one there. Just as he closes the door, he's further ticked-off when he spots a snail on his wife's pretty welcome mat, and pitches it out toward the road.

Six months later, the guy's enjoying his newspaper when he hears a knock at the door. There's not a soul there when he answers, but the snail looks up at him and says, "What was up with THAT?"

Gosh! Wrigley's.
What a slow and boring joke.layful:
Forget your solitude.
You need to get out more mate, and smell some coffee and roses!

 

[Wrigley's]

Oh I get out plenty, I just don't tell jokes. I even got that one wrong.

 

[boozercruiser]

Oh I get out plenty, I just don't tell jokes. I even got that one wrong.

That's what I like.
A person who knows their own limitations.
I know plenty of jokes.
But unless I want to get banned, I can't tell any of them here!

 

[Wrigley's]

Yeah, that was basically "The only joke I know....that I can post."

 

[boozercruiser]

Yeah, that was basically "The only joke I know....that I can post."

I think I can get away with this one...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me... I'll send you both to the electric chair. ​

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[Wrigley's]

That's a good one.

 

[SifuPhil]

I knew a joke once.

Something about snails driving a Porsche, and one of the snails watching said "Look at that S car go".

Ba-DUM!

Hope I took bottom place away from Wrigley's ...

 

[Falcon]

Now THAT'S funny, Phil (But kinda garlicy.)

 

[boozercruiser]

That's a good one.

So is this!......

After forty years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said:




"You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He replied:

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said:

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

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..................................................

The swelling in his eye is going down, and
Doctors also hope to save his testicles.

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[Wrigley's]

I knew a joke once.

Something about snails driving a Porsche, and one of the snails watching said "Look at that S car go".

Ba-DUM!

Hope I took bottom place away from Wrigley's ...

Thanks, Boss.

I heard that one when I was a kid. Twenty years later I found out what escargot was and, swear to god, I yelled "I get it!"


I've worked in construction since I was 15. I've heard 'em all 100 times, mostly dirty ones of course. I laughed at 'em for the first year or so. I'll laugh my butt off at good humor but can't so much as smile at a joke. Unless it's a smart one, know what I mean?

Falcon made me chuckle once, but I don't remember the joke.

 

[SifuPhil]

Thanks, Boss.

I heard that one when I was a kid. Twenty years later I found out what escargot was and, swear to god, I yelled "I get it!"

LOL! Yeah, I've had ones like that.

I've worked in construction since I was 15. I've heard 'em all 100 times, mostly dirty ones of course. I laughed at 'em for the first year or so. I'll laugh my butt off at good humor but can't so much as smile at a joke. Unless it's a smart one, know what I mean?

Sure do. Most jokes leave me flat as well.