Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
As we progress into 2015, I want to thank you for your educational
e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on The lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
Mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
Like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
It can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ...
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
Placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's best friend's
Beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room,
because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out
Of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on The lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
Mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
Like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
It can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ...
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
Placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's best friend's
Beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room,
because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out
Of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
