The General Humor Thread

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The CN Tower in Toronto, Canada was once the tallest building in North America. But it was kind of cheating as the last number of yards of height was just an antenna.

That's a bit like sticking a toothpick into the end of your pen!s and bragging to your wife, "Look honey! I've got a nine incher!"
 
Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No, no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks, and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In midair, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No, no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So, he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls into the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No, no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"
"You shot him?
What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
 
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. It cost £15,000, but she looked sensational. On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she can't resist asking the vendor: "how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "No! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, "No, I’m 50."
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The reply was, "At a guess, about 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay.....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says: "That was incredible, how could you tell?" "I was behind you at McDonalds."
 
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