The jokes only thread....

Did you hear about the population of Ireland's capital?

It's Dublin!
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Why did the baby strawberry cry?

Because his mom was in a jam!
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33. What did the mommy spider say to the Baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.
 

Chuck stops buy to see how his grieving friend, who has just lost his wife is doing.
No one answers the door, sees it's open a crack, so Chuck goes in and looks for his friend.
He Finds Jack in bed with a Hottie! "How's it going, How you doing Jack?'
"In my Grief do you think I know what I'm doing?"
 

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool!
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What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line!
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Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
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Where does the electric cord go shopping?
The outlet mall, of course!
 
I have a pet termite. I named him Clint -- Clint Eats Wood.

REMEMBER THE INTRO WHEN THE DUDE BROKE the UNBREAKABLE WINDOW OUT OF THE CYBER TRUCK?

My wife says that I can be an idiot sometimes. twss
I think it's cool how she gives me permission that way! twit

A priest is taking his daily walk, he then Glances upward and sees a young Hottie looking down at him...
Well, the Priest is astonished, she has no panties! A totally nude babe! He Helps her down and
gives her two dollars to buy a razor.
 
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Thoughts to Ponder.......
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!!
 
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United?” exclaimed the hairdresser. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Taste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?
 
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Two brothers are discussing the details of their father’s funeral.

The first one is trying to arrange everything himself, because he knows that the other one is pretty dim and sure to mess something up in some way.

The dim brother insists that he won’t. Finally the first brother relents and gives him a small task: “Just make sure dad looks nice for the service.”

The day of the service arrives and everything goes off without a hitch. The first brother congratulates the dim one on a job well done.

A month after the service, the first brother receives a bill for $200 from the funeral home. He assumes it was a missed cost and sends the money.

Another month goes by, and again he receives a bill for $200. Thinking something must be wrong, he calls the funeral home and asks why he’s being charged another $200.

The funeral home director replies, “Well, your brother was insistent on your father looking nice for the funeral, so he rented him a tux!”
 
Marcy stays up all night watching her chickens by the gate of the Hooch.

A couple of the chickens lean against the gate while another pecks at the latch.

When the latch release, the chicken's weight on the gate would open it just a crack,

and they escaped to their nightly feast.

So Marcy goes to the hardware store to get a good Latch.

"This one should work just fine", the package says it is impeccable."
 
The Guy is crawling in the Desert on his hands and knees.
Another Guy approaches on a Camel stops in front of him.
"I need Water, please can you help me."
"I don't have any water, but I can sell you some $4 neckties."
"I need water, please!" "Two for $7," says the Guy on his Cammel.
"Can you tell me where I can find Water?"
"3 miles straight ahead, at the large Stone turn left and go 3 more miles."
"Three neckties for $10!" Again, the Guy on the Camel offers.
The Guy slowly gets to his feet and struggles off toward the Water.
Finally, there is a man standing at an oasis as the Guy gets there.
"Can I have some water?" "Sure, but ties are required!"
 
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Noting this question; A small break-away group choose digging tunnels.
They felt safe from the big hungry guys up there.
Naturally they dig stuff they know nothing about.

The stuff is radioactive, thus the DNA / RNA changes occurred.
All those eons of time passed, all cluelessly wasted underground.

Still to this day when we duck our heads we go into the basements.
Basements with Radon Gas removal systems. Yep, change is still a happening.

One day, mostly sooner than later AI will tell us where to go, what to do.
Hopefully we choose to name them Dumb SOB's

The other day I was talking to my male, British accent Seri. "Where is the nearest
Solar Grid installation at?" He says, "Downtown Boston." Yep, I shut him off!
 
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Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?
Because I helped her.
But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?

I helped her eat her gummy bears.

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Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Granny, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far too scratchy.”

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Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”
 

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