The jokes only thread....

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”​
​
 
A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."


After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."


Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that... Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day."


The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part."
"You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 
Remove my nighty


Wife:-remove my nighty.
Husband:-OK,


Wife:-remove my panty,
Husband:-OK.


Wife:-remove my bra,
Husband:-OK.
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Wife:-Don’t ever wear my cloths again.​
​
 
Duck walks into a bar...

"Got any bread?'

"No"

"Got any bread?

"NO"

Got any bread?"

"NO! NOW GET OUT BEFORE I SHOOT YOU!"

...three days pass...

duck walks into a bar

"Got a shotgun?"

"Eh? No!"

"Great....got any bread?"
 
Thanks fer posting great jokes.


Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down
to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.
 
Four Husbands are at the lobby waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives gave birth to.
The nurse walks up to the first man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to twins!
The man says: That's odd, because I work at a restaurant called 2 cities.
The nurse walks up to the second man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to triplets!
The man says: That's weird because I work at a factory called 3 continents.
The nurse walks up to the third guy and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to Quadruplets!
The man says: Thats very odd, because I work at the four seasons hotel! The fourth man starts crying.
One of the men says: What's wrong? The fourth man responds: I work at 7up.​
 
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
 
furryanimal said:
a russian couple was walking down the street in st. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "i think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"no, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "no, i'm sure it was just rain, he said."
well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask comrade rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
as the official approached, the man said, "tell us, comrade rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"it's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "i know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"
Click to expand...

aaargh!
 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.


Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD! "Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! "A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing... You should see the back of mine! "
 
Our daughter took the afternoon off from her job at the funeral home to visit her daughter in preschool. When one of the kids asked what she did for a living, my granddaughter answered for her: "She sells underground furniture."
 
Son In Law Joke
Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?”“Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying Holy works all of my life.”“And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.“I am sure The Lord will provide.” Answered the young man.“And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?”“The Lord will provide” answered the young man again.“How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.“It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”​
 
My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
- Greg Tamblyn
 
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? "~~~The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. "
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"


Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.


She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."


The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:


Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top