The jokes only thread....

Lil Johnny says, "Dad I made a girl cry today but I didn't mean to"
"What happened this time." "This Stuff Happens"
"Well she said she likes me a lot",
and then I said, " that's nice" and
then she said "don't you like me?"
"Then I Thought a Bit, thinking about what you said to Mom."
So then i said, " listen your like one of those floating turds
that no matter how many times I flush you just wont go away"
 

A guy is watching a football game on TV & he doesn’t like to be bothered. His wife tries to do the laundry but the washer isn’t working.
She tells her husband “Honey, the washer is not working.”
He says “Do I look like the Maytag Man?”
She calls a repairman. After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go shopping but the car won’t start.
She says to her husband “Honey, the car won’t start.”
He says “Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?”
She tries to call a mechanic but there is no dial tone on the phone.
She says “Honey, the phone is dead.”
He says: “Do I look like AT&T?”
She calls a tow truck from the neighbor’s phone.
The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she returns home with the car, the football game is over.
Her husband says “Did you get the car fixed?”
The wife says “Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I realized I forgot my purse so I couldn’t pay him. Instead of money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”
The husband says “Did he like the cake?”
The wife says, “Do I look like Betty Crocker?”
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 
So Lil Johnny a private finishes his basic training and now is in AIT. (Advanced Infantry Training)
On the morning his platoon is preparing for war games and he falls into formation but his sergeant notices that he has forgotten his rifle. After chewing him out the Sergeant hands Lil Johnny a stick and tolls him when he see an enemy soldier on the battlefield to point his stick and yell out ”Bangity-bang bang”. Then he tolls Lil Johnny if he is close up with an enemy soldier to point the stick; thrust it forward and yell out “Stabity-stab stab.
Well needless to say that private Lil Johnny is amazed that after encountering dozens of enemy troops every one of them fell to the ground when he followed the sergeants instructions.
Lil Johnny is amazed that he is the last man standing on the field when all of a sudden from over the hill a lone soldier came walking towards him. Lil Johnny raises his stick and yells out “Bangity- bang bang” but nothing happens. He takes careful aim the next time but to no avail. The soldier just keeps walking toward him.
Lil Johnny then lowers his stick and thrusts it toward the soldier who is now only feet away from him.
He yells at the top of his lungs “Sabity-stab stab” But the enemy soldier just walks up to him and kicks him in the shins dropping Lil Johnny to the ground and then proceeds to just walk over him.
So, Lil Johnny now dazed and confused looks at the enemy soldier as he walks away and asks “who are you”?
The enemy soldier turns to look back at Lil Johnny, sighs, and quietly says “Tankity- tank tank.
 
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade..."
 

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER ​

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" -He lived... and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.​

 
A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet
They both take a piss into the urinal. As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.
The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"
to which the navy man replies: "In the navy, they taught us not to pee all over our hands!"
 
Please be advised that all persons planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation shelter, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that current legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act & Money Laundering Regulations. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
 
DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR

A senior lady headed to the bank to make a withdrawal. She handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said, “I would like to withdraw $10."

The cashier told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why …

The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter.

There is a line of customers behind you.”

The lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and told her, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"

The lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000.

“Well, please let me have $3,000 now”, the lady said.

The cashier then angrily went back to the vault retrieved stacks of $20’s and $10’s and spent the next ten minutes counting out $3,000.

“Is there anything else I can do for you today?” the teller asked sternly.

The lady put $10 in her purse and said, “Yes, I’d like to deposit $2,990 into my account.”
 
An elderly blind man walks into a bar & orders whiskey.
He says to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The woman next to him says "Since you're blind, before you tell that joke, I should warn you about a few things:
I'm a 6 ft. tall blonde woman & I'm a professional fighter.
The bartender is a blonde girl & she has a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde man & he's 6'6".
The man sitting next to me is blonde & he's a professional bodybuilder.
The lady to your right is blonde & she's a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man shakes his head & says, "Not a chance. I'm not going to waste my whole morning explaining it over & over."
 
A Blonde woman is speeding down the highway in her new sports car. A female officer, also Blonde, pulls her over & asks to see her license.
The driver starts looking for her license & after some time, asks the officer: "What does a driver's license look like?"
The officer says, "It's square shaped & has your picture on it."
The driver pulls out a compact mirror & hands it to the officer & says, "I think I found it."
The officer looks at the mirror & says, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an officer too," & lets her go.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top