The jokes only thread....

Are you 55 and drawing up a to-do bucket list?
Are you 62 and just crossed off retired?
Are you 66 and Checked off the bucket List?
Wondered what to do next?
Forgot where you left off?
can’t remember your wife’s name?
Never forgot your first sweetheart?
Hire it done?
Where did I leave my Cell Phone?
 

"Stepping on a duck"​


Three men die and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven. He says, "Now you may enter Heaven. But you must promise not to step on any ducks." So they all promised not to step on any ducks. The gates of Heaven opened. To their horror, the grounds are covered with ducks. After 5 minutes the first man stepped on a duck. Instantly St. Peter appeared and tied an ugly women to him and said, " For your punishment, you are now bound together for all eternity. After 10 minutes the second man stepped on a duck, again, instantly St. Peter appeared with an even uglier women and again, ties them both together and condemns them for all eternity. The third man was terrified. He Took special precautions not to step on any ducks. If there is one thing he hates it's an ugly woman. On the one year Aniversary of his arrival St. Peter comes to him and leads him to a beach at sunset where he meets the most beautiful woman in the world. He says to St. Peter," What have I done to deserve this?" "I don't know about you ", said the women, "But I stepped on a damn duck!"
 

What bird represents war? ..... Hawk
What bird represents peace and love? .... Dove
What bird represents childbirth, delivery of babies? .... Stork
What bird represents Family planning / birth control? ..... Swallow!
 
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise....but the fire trucks ruined it! I got nothing!

If you say the right couple of sentences to a person ready to jump off a bridge, they won't.
They will say FU!
 
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Overheard at a restaurant.

"When I was young, I got married at 25, cheap car, cheap apartment and a sofa bed, but a hot looking 25 year old. Now, I've got a house, nice car, king size bed and have a 50 year old wife, I told her "Hey, you're not keeping up the bargain"

She replied "Well. We "could" divorce, you'd have a cheap apartment, cheap car and sofa bed"
 
Lil Johnny's in His Kia Sorento and is at the Traffic Light next to the Rolls-Royce.
He rolls down the window and says "that's an impressive car, does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi." Lil Johnny says, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!" The Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator." "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!" The Rolls driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!" "Thats an amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!" Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls driver splits. He goes the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce. The driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then Lil Johnny pokes his head out, dripping wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls," the driver declares smugly.
"Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!"
 
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why !
___________________________________________________________________________________
I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile.
Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech,
however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better hours
just before a big wedding, But I don’t like to see the groom drink alone
___________________________________________________________________________________

What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
 

A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.​

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?
Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!
Bartender: What about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!”
Click to expand...

​

 
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
****************************************************************************


Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

*********************************************************************

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and sits at a table. He orders lunch from the waitress. After finishing his meal, the waitress brings over the check. The panda bear takes out a gun, shoots the waitress in her arm, and starts to walk away. The waitress screams, "What is your problem? Why did you do that?" The panda bear throws a dictionary to the waitress. The panda says, "Look up panda bear and read the definition". The waitress opens the dictionary. She reads, "PANDA BEAR. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES."
 
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.
The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop,
the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
 
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
and take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
 
Lil Johnny watches an elderly couple at McDonald's with just one meal, and an extra drink cup. The old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then he pours half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife, he then begins to eat, his wife just sits watching him. So Lil Johnny asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?" The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50." "Wow! That's commendable." Lil Johnny then turns to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?" The wife replies "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
 
A son tells his father: “I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

The father sighs and says: “You know, you could do better.”

Son: “Thanks, Dad!”

Father: “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
--------------------------------------------


Daughter: “Mom, how is it to have the world's best daughter?

Mom: “I don’t know, honey, you have to ask your grandmother!
-------------------------------------------------------------


If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents
started their new year with a bang.
 
4 Graduates from the Institute of Technology are heading back home after graduation when the brakes fail on a Mountain in the High Seirra's. Finally shutting of the motor in Low gear brings them to the side of the Highway where they discuss the situation like in an Engineering meeting. They vote on the possible actions they may take and decide.

"Well," says the Software Engineer Graduates, "Before we do anything, we need to push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." .....(y)
 
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Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."
The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."
Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parent's room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"
 
I know you have heard of the recent miracle cure for tinnitus?
It will prevent early Dementia. You just stick a blunted steel rod
up each ear at the same time. lots of blood. Hearing ringing, bell tones
are instantly gone. No more brain damage & if ya haven’t heard
all you need to by now you can read about it with a magnifying glass.
 
Why did the witch stay in a Hotel ?

She heard they had great broom service.
__________________________________________________


Why did the dog have a bunch of dirt in its mouth?

Because he literally bit the dust.
_____________________________________________________

What is the worst thing that can happen to a geography teacher?


Getting lost.
 
A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside.

The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course!"

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?
 

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