The jokes only thread....

good oldie:p


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
 
It's a gloomy looking day out there. Temp says 70 degrees near mid-day. Some kind of a Cop show is starting on the Movie Hub.
A hot chick just walked up the wide Staircase. Sylvester Stallone is getting drunk again. He hasn't started Cussing Yet! ... ... ... ...
Now, he's preaching to a bald perp wise guy!

Wows'a, the Blond Chick is back and He's holding her. Sylvester moves fast !
 
A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”

The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.

Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.

An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?”
The man nodded his head.

“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeves,” the salesman said.
The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.

The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?”
The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor shook his head and answered:
“You can’t wear a size 32.
Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache.”
 
"Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,

I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the man behind her was on the verge of a heart attack from laughing so intensely.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say."

old people.jpg
 
A Love Story
Click to expand...
A YOUNG VANCOUVER WOMAN WAS SO DEPRESSED THAT SHE DECIDED TO END HER LIFE BY THROWING HERSELF INTO THE OCEAN; BUT, JUST BEFORE SHE COULD THROW HERSELF FROM THE DOCKS, A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN STOPPED HER.

"YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR," SAID THE MAN. "I'M A SAILOR, AND WE ARE OFF TO ITALY TOMORROW. I CAN STOW YOU AWAY ON MY SHIP. I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, BRING YOU FOOD EVERY DAY, AND KEEP YOU HAPPY."

WITH NOTHING TO LOSE, COMBINED WITH THE FACT THAT SHE HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO ITALY, THE WOMAN ACCEPTED. THAT NIGHT THE SAILOR BROUGHT HER ABOARD AND HID HER IN A SMALL BUT COMFORTABLE COMPARTMENT IN THE HOLD. FROM THEN ON, EVERY NIGHT HE WOULD BRING HER THREE SANDWICHES, A BOTTLE OF RED WINE, AND MAKE LOVE TO HER.

THREE WEEKS LATER SHE WAS DISCOVERED BY THE CAPTAIN DURING A ROUTINE INSPECTION.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" ASKED THE CAPTAIN.

"I HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT WITH ONE OF THE CREW," SHE REPLIED. "HE BRINGS ME FOOD AND I GET A FREE TRIP TO ITALY."

"I SEE," THE CAPTAIN SAYS.

HER CONSCIENCE GOT THE BEST OF HER AND SHE ADDED, "PLUS, HE'S SCREWING ME."

"HE CERTAINLY IS," REPLIED THE CAPTAIN. "THIS IS THE NANAIMO FERRY."
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
yawn.jpg

Janet was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"To get my teeth!
 
Plays
Often
So
The
Team ..... ..... Post Turtles ..... ..... Potus ..... President of the United States ..... .....
Uses
Rest
Through
Late
Evening
Shows
 
Two old men are sitting in a bar.
One of them looks at the other & says
“You look familiar… where you from?”
The second old man replies “Ireland”
The first old man looks astonished & says
” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!”

The second old man then looks at the first “What city?”
The first old man says “Dublin?”
The second old man looks astonished
“No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”

The first man looks at the second old man “What school you go to?”
The second old man replies
“Saint Mary’s class of 89”
The first old man is absolutely baffled
” NO WAY Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”

At this point, another man comes into the bar & says to the bartender
“Hey, Joe! Anything interesting going on?”
The bartender says
“Not really… but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
 
Have you ever run screws into drywall and pushed the drill motor through it?
The following words though silently muttered count with the greeter at the gates.
_______________________________________
You know you're in tuned when the day goes well !
_______________________________
Kissing your 2ND cousin is worse than a sister. "Sister is pretty"
_______________________________
 

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