The jokes only thread....

I was just sitting at the traffic light yesterday next to a carload
of teenagers when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top
of the car & flattened it!
"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"...
So, I went and got a Commercial driver's license.
 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
 
Guy decided after a few years to marry his longtime girlfriend Shirley.
Shortly after the honeymoon, he was assembling his gear and loading
some cartridges for an upcoming hunt while his new bride watched.

After an extended period of silence, Shirley she says "I was thinking."
"Now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit hunting, shooting,
reloading ammunition and fishing. Perhaps you could sell your guns,
fishing poles and boat to make more room around here."

Guy looks at her with an expressionless face, shakes his head and replies,
"Wow. For a second there you sounded just like my ex-wife."
Then returned to his reloading.

Shirley flips out. "What do you mean your EX-WIFE !"
"You never told me you were married before !" she screamed.

Without turning around, Guy calmly replies "I wasn't."
 
I was at a Pet Food Store recently buying a large bag of Dog Chow for my loyal pet,
Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked
if I had a dog?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Dog Chow Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost
50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is,
to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
 
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet,
romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
“For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time,
I will grant you each a wish.
“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! –
two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
“Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so,
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish…
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! –
the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”

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Contractor builders are doing Siding replacement of my house.
It turns to a wet day & one of the crew approached the backdoor
and Knocks asking me if he could please use my toilet.

I looked down at his mud crusted boots and says,
I'll put down some Contractor Plastic first".

He looked slightly offended and replied,
"It is ok, I am House trained!"


I shut and locked the door, they left shortly.
Haven't received a bill for that work they did back then.
Should I call them and ask, wtf? Nah; that seems! Seemingly!

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The Tree Felling crew finished grinding the Stump and surface roots out of the ground,
filled in the depression with bags of soil and as they were leaving knocked on the back door.
Said, "they can give me a 10% discount bill if I pay them today in cash."

"Wanting cash from this home is shooting words!" they quickly left.
 
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
 
A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries.
The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce.
He says to the woman, "You must be single."
The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?"



The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."
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I GOT NOTHING HERE
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Her fake plants died because She did not pretend to water them.
 
He deliberated hard about a couple of Freshman girls in high school and who to ask to the sock hop.
So, He decided to just go and see if they had dates. Later danced with them and then went
to the bowling alley to play the pinballs with his pals.

His friends were most likely not talking with the girls much yet & didn't go to the sock hop cause no was said.
Back then you bowled or played the pinball for $5 and dated for $10. He realized it was sort of fun to not be
caught up in the Boy Girl thing so soon.
 

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