The jokes only thread....

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered,

"Put that %$#@ on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

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Actor Peter Falk's right eye was surgically removed when he was three because of a retinoblastoma. He wore an artificial eye for most of his life. The artificial eye was the cause of his trademark squint. Despite this limitation, as a boy he participated in team sports, mainly baseball and basketball. In a 1997 interview in Cigar Aficionado magazine with Arthur Marx, Falk said:
"I remember once in high school the umpire called me out at third base when I was sure I was safe. I got so mad I took out my glass eye, handed it to him and said,
'Try this.' I got such a laugh you wouldn't believe."
 
OldFeller said:
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Actor Peter Falk's right eye was surgically removed when he was three because of a retinoblastoma. He wore an artificial eye for most of his life. The artificial eye was the cause of his trademark squint. Despite this limitation, as a boy he participated in team sports, mainly baseball and basketball. In a 1997 interview in Cigar Aficionado magazine with Arthur Marx, Falk said:
"I remember once in high school the umpire called me out at third base when I was sure I was safe. I got so mad I took out my glass eye, handed it to him and said,
'Try this.' I got such a laugh you wouldn't believe."
Click to expand...
What a great story!!!
 
At one point during a game, the coach says to one of his young players,
Lil Johnny, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
Lil Johnny now just a little boy nods in the affirmative.

"Do you understand, Lil Johnny, that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
Again Lil Johnny just a little boy nods yes.

"So," the coach continues, Lil Johnny, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first,
you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire."
Lil Johnny, "Do you understand all that?"

Again Lil Johnny just a little boy nods.
"Good," says the coach.


"Now Lil Johnny, go over there and explain it to your mother."

________________________________________________________________________
 
A duck walks into a mini-mart and says,
"I need some chap stick & put it on my bill!"

The Employee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.
He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know,
Ducks cannot speak however this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.

The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.
The duck, slightly miffed, walks out,
pondering why he'd need chap stick anyway,
since he has no lips...

____________________________________________
 
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I wake up one morning to find a bear on the roof.
So I looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

I calls the number, and the bear remover asks for my
Credit Card number & says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

I'm WAITING !

GROAN
 
papa tiger said:
I wake up one morning to find a bear on the roof.
So I looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

I calls the number, and the bear remover asks for my
Credit Card number & says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

I'm WAITING !

GROAN
Click to expand...
Bear removal joke #2

A man wakes up one morning in Bozeman, Montana, to find a bear on his roof.
So, he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog.
 
Joe wants to get his beautiful wife Karen something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone.
He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day Karen goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband,
"Hi Karen," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but
there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?" Joe asks.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
 

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