The jokes only thread....

Sassycakes said:
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 s


Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.
Click to expand...
Well, if a naked woman is lying on a bed at the finish line, a horny guy just might run 8 miles in 30 seconds.
 

When should you love thy neighbor?
– When her husband’s away on business.
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What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”??

– A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished
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What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

– They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
 
Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."
Man to wife: "What did she say?"
Wife to husband: "They want your underwear
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Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
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I haven't spoken to my Husband for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt him
 
Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."
Man to wife: "What did she say?"
Wife to husband: "They want your underwear
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Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
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I haven't spoken to my Husband for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt he
 
As Lil Johnny once said, "Ya got 2 momma's and 2 Daughters !" Question is : "They go fishing & How many fish do they catch? 1-2-3-4 ?"
Little Johnny then asks. Two Mothers and Daughters go fishing. How Many Fish do they catch if each one catches a fish? 1-2-3-4
(answer is (3)
"You see logic says the answer is 4." " Wrong!"
 
The Guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."
So; He Lil goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and
asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so The Guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled.
Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,
"Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!" .....
 
JUST ASKED MY WIFE "WHAT SHE'S BURNING UP FOR DINNER' AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE ALL MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS.
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I BOUGHT A NEW STICK OF DEODORANT TODAY, THE INSTRUCTIONS SAID.


"REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM'

IT HURTS TO WALK, BUT WHENEVER I FART,

THE ROOM SMELLS LOVELY.
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I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO MY HUSBAND FOR 18 MONTHS----- I DON'T LIKE TO INTERRUPT HIM.
 
Max always looks on the bright side. He constantly irritates his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he always replies "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad,
so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course, Steve says, "Max, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," says Max, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," his bewildered friend says, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Max, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
 
The LEO see a guy shaking another guy on the side of the street.
The LEO quickly cuffs both of them as they seemed out of control.
"OK, what's going on with you 2," the LEO ask?
"Well, Officers I play Bass over at that Club & this guy came up and Twisted the tuner on my Bass."
"That sounds understandably correct," says the LEO. "But why are you Brutalizing him now?"
"He won't tell me which tunner peg he screwed up!"
 
The Lil Boy is in his relative’s wedding.
As he walks down the aisle, he takes two steps,
stops, and then turns to the crowd,
puts his hands up like claws and roars.
That’s the way it happens all down the aisle:
step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR…step, step, ROAR.
Well; can you imagine it; the crowd is near tears from
laughing by the time he reaches the pulpit.
When the priest who is celebrating the wedding asks
what the **** he's doing? The Lil Boy sniffs out,
“I was being the Ring Bear.”
 

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