The jokes only thread....

Sorry, but I need to vent....
Yesterday I experienced the WORST customer service at a store here in town. I don’t want to mention the name of
the store because I’m not in the habit of publicly trashing people or businesses; even if they DO deserve it.
Two days ago I bought something from this store & I paid cash for it.
I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it
back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO”, even
though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a FREE replacement instead but again she said “NO”.
Then I asked to see the manager and he said "Sorry but we can't give you your money back."


That is the last time I'll buy a Lottery ticket from that store again !

​
 
Husband and wife – BEFORE MARRIAGE:


Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!


Now Read the above conversation BACKWARDS to know what happens After Marriage !!!!
 

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.


Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized


Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
 
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of
one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in
South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked
his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer
to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."
 
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here! "
 
Pappy said:
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR. "The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here! "
Click to expand...

lachen20you20crack20me20up.gif
 

Three Ladies In A Sauna
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.
I HAVE A MICR OCHIP IN MY HAND.
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW - TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO
SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID .... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!'
​
 
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
 
RadishRose said:
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Click to expand...

tenorDOK4RUUZ.gif
 
  • Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
    their kids overnight.

    When Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in
    his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
    about using one of the pills.

    The son said, "I don't think you should
    take one Dad; they're very strong
    and very expensive."

    "How much?" asked Grandpa.

    "$10. a pill," Answered the son.

    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
    try one, and before we leave in the
    morning, I'll put the money
    under the pillow."

    Later the next morning, the son found
    $110 under the pillow. He called
    Grandpa and said, "I told
    you each pill was
    $10, not $110.

    "I know," said Grandpa. "The
    hundred is from
    Grandma!"
    ​






 
A teenage boy seemed placid as the doctor approached his hospital bed... to give him an evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, watching every move.
The doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy.
The boy looked right through the doctor and started screaming, "I can't see!
I can't see!"
The doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career!
He turned to the mother and asked, "My goodness, how long has this been going on?"
Without hesitation she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."
 
Monday humor,,,


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Perplexed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out
to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, you come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may
come with us also."

The other man pitifully said, "I also have a wife and six
children with me!

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer replied.

They all climbed into the limo, no easy task even for a
sizable limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, “You are too kind, thanks for taking
all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "You'll really love my place, the
grass is almost a foot tall."
 
Vicky, a young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks,
'What are your requirements, please?'
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty,
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'





The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.
 
'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.
'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.
'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.
'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'
So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.
 
I WOKE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (AS I OFTEN DO).
I noticed a strange individual who looked like a burglar with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the veggie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What?” she said.
"THAT B*STARD NEXT DOOR HAS STILL GOT MY SHOVEL"
 
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S ". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'? "The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. "Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go! "
 
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.



As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled



out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". Yes, I know it's the six thirty and
not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin
from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only
one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was
still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned
over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.






 
Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one
afternoon.

"****," Joe said, "as soon as I get
home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"

"What's the rush?" Tom asked.

Joe replied "The **** elastic in the legs is killing me!"
 
Pappy said:
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S ". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'? "The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving. "Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go! "
Click to expand...

This is one of my favorite movie scenes.

 

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