The jokes only thread....
- Thread starter Pappy
- Start date
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear,
I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear,
I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came
running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly
but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started
jumping up and down along with her. She said,
'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from
all the jumping up and down, told me that she was
pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so
I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier
for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more' I asked, What do
you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are
not having just one baby.. We are going to
have TWINS! ' Amazed at how she could know so
soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she
knew. She said 'Well, that was the easy part.
I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home
pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came
out positive!
running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly
but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started
jumping up and down along with her. She said,
'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from
all the jumping up and down, told me that she was
pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so
I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier
for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more' I asked, What do
you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are
not having just one baby.. We are going to
have TWINS! ' Amazed at how she could know so
soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she
knew. She said 'Well, that was the easy part.
I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home
pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came
out positive!
LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation
to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “U’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal,
“Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief.
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a
great deal of heat and excitement?”
Harry:“Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade;
I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation
to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “U’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal,
“Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief.
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a
great deal of heat and excitement?”
Harry:“Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade;
I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
Furryanimal
Y gath o Gymru
- Location
- Wales
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini.
She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying
a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45.
To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot
of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it,
but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a
little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process.
Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle
of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger.
He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again.
When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal.
Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there,
to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her,
"Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond,
but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying
a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45.
To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot
of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it,
but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a
little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process.
Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle
of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger.
He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again.
When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal.
Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there,
to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her,
"Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond,
but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
Pappy
Living the Dream
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers.
The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor.
He always buys me flowers
and candy before we make love. I like that.”
The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps
me around sometimes. I kind of like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says
“My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
it’s going to be when I get it!”
The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor.
He always buys me flowers
and candy before we make love. I like that.”
The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps
me around sometimes. I kind of like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says
“My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
it’s going to be when I get it!”
Pappy
Living the Dream
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Perplexed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out
to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, you come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may
come with us also."
The other man pitifully said, "I also have a wife and six
children with me!
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer replied.
They all climbed into the limo, no easy task even for a
sizable limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, “You are too kind, thanks for taking
all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "You'll really love my place, the
grass is almost a foot tall."
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Perplexed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out
to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, you come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may
come with us also."
The other man pitifully said, "I also have a wife and six
children with me!
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer replied.
They all climbed into the limo, no easy task even for a
sizable limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, “You are too kind, thanks for taking
all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "You'll really love my place, the
grass is almost a foot tall."
My GF and I are still laughing at this.
Pappy
Living the Dream
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Pappy
Living the Dream
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.
"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."
"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"
Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"
"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."
"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"
Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"
Pappy
Living the Dream
A man tells apriest: "Father, I want to make a confession.During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
Priest: "Bless you, my son. That's not a sin; don’t you realize you savedhis life?”
Man: "ButI charged him rent."
Priest: "Well, that wasn't very nice, but you still helped your fellowman."
Man: "Father, do I have to tell him the war isover?"
Priest: "Bless you, my son. That's not a sin; don’t you realize you savedhis life?”
Man: "ButI charged him rent."
Priest: "Well, that wasn't very nice, but you still helped your fellowman."
Man: "Father, do I have to tell him the war isover?"
A lawyer parkshis BMW & opens the door when a car comes along, hits the door & ripsit off its hinges.
A policeman arrives & finds the lawyer really angry, screaming about the damage to his precious car. The cop says: "Youlawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick. You're so worried about yourprecious car, you didn't even notice that your left arm was tornoff."
The lawyerlooks down at the bloody stump where his arm was & says: "Oh, myGod….where's my Rolex?"
A policeman arrives & finds the lawyer really angry, screaming about the damage to his precious car. The cop says: "Youlawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick. You're so worried about yourprecious car, you didn't even notice that your left arm was tornoff."
The lawyerlooks down at the bloody stump where his arm was & says: "Oh, myGod….where's my Rolex?"
Threerough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
Thesecond biker spits into his coffee.
Thethird biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one bikerto the waitress.
“Not much of a driver,either,” says the waitress. “He justbacked his truck over three motorcycles.”
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
Thesecond biker spits into his coffee.
Thethird biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one bikerto the waitress.
“Not much of a driver,either,” says the waitress. “He justbacked his truck over three motorcycles.”
Don M.
SF VIP
- Location
- central Missouri
When I was young, I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to get into medical school. One of the questions required rearranging the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important body part that is most useful when erect.
Those who entered "SPINE" are doctors today....the rest of us are swapping jokes on the Internet.
Those who entered "SPINE" are doctors today....the rest of us are swapping jokes on the Internet.
Pappy
Living the Dream
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman is waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt.
The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to make the step but she still couldn't. Again, she reached back & unzipped her dress a little more & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step. She turned around & slapped him across the face.
"How dare you touch my body!" she yelled. "I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to make the step but she still couldn't. Again, she reached back & unzipped her dress a little more & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step. She turned around & slapped him across the face.
"How dare you touch my body!" she yelled. "I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here. You're here to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally-loud voice, he replied, "NO. I'M HERE TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE SURGERY. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"
In a loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here. You're here to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally-loud voice, he replied, "NO. I'M HERE TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE SURGERY. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"