The Mindless Thread

2 Irishmen are lost at sea and its apparent that no rescue is gonna happen.
And then an ornate bottle bumps up against the raft. Jamie grabs the bottle and
pulls the cork, wonder of wonders, out pops a genie!

The genie says "top of the morning to ya lads, what'll it be? Ya gets one wish," Jamie says "Hey I thought we get 3 wishes?" Genie says, "sorry boys, times are tough and ya only gets the one wish." Well before Jamie can reply Mcdole, the 2nd one says, "I wish the WHOLE OCEAN was Guinness beer" And POOF........

Jamie says, "ah ya idiot, now we gotta piss in the boat."
 

Little old lady goes into the store & is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
 
"I’m, like, O.K., how do I explain this to her?
I’m trying to just figure out, you know,
the right way to do it in a clean way, no cursing.
I’m just going, ‘U—uh—uh—uh, well, it’s a . . .
And then my kid goes, That’s O.K., Daddy,
you tried your best. And I was like,
That’s what she said.’ ”
 
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The Early Days of Cell Phones:

The day after delivery, I receive a call from the Partner
He's telling me his cell phone didn't work. He says, "I
charged it overnight just like the Directions say,
but it doesn't work this morning, it won't power up.
I ask, " EXACTLY what did you do with the phone?"
"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."
"Did you put the battery in the phone?"
"Not the extra one."
"Lew, the phone only has one battery."
(Pause) "Oh, I think I know what's wrong with it."
 
Husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months
she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to,
he motioned for her to come nearer. "You know you have been
with me all through the bad times. You've support me thru it all.
My failures, my accidents all of our losses, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you are there by my side.
Well, I think about all of it & you bring me bad luck!
 
Ya know it seems really rude to me when people say, "Are you listening?!"
"Did you hear what I just said?" "Hello up there , someone answer, please?"

Such a random way to start a conversation. I don't need a $1000 hearing aid.
Ya know, the only certainties in life are birth, death and Tuxes.
 
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LEO in Nashville Pulls me over, with red, blue lights flashing!
After a bit the LEO comes up to my right-side door and motions to lower the window.
Cop: "Do you know why I have stopped you? "No, I don't," I say.
"So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the Express carpool lane."
"You’re going to feel really stupid if you look in the back of my SUV!"
 
There is an insistent rapping in the middle of the night.
Suddenly it becomes a loud pounding and attempts to bust in the door.
DOC Lil Johnny angrily thrusts open the upstairs window and yells, " Well."
"No," groans Jimmy, "Sick."
 
At 8 p.m. one night, Lil Johnny, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.
The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again.
Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.
'I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night...
 
It’s been a late spring early clean up the place week. Down Limbs, leaves, trash and straighten back up the place. Humidity is back today sure! Hoist the tractor up and remove/sharpens the blades. Next comes oil changes in most all stuff. I have plenty of shop towels, will need them!
Mounted a lil JD tool box on the lawn tractor for the purr-fect touché.
 
The Blondes mother is anxiously awaiting for her plane to land.
Her Daughter is returning from Far-Far away trying to find adventure.
As her daughter exits the plane, Mom notices a man directly
behind her daughter dressed in feathers with Tattoos all over
his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man
as her new husband. Mom gasps and says quietly,
"I said I hoped for you to marry a RICH Doctor!"
 
Have you seen the Goodyear soybean tire?
Someone said that's like my Paperwalls!
 

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