The Mindless Thread

The Homeless man is pushed himself straight
against the entrance door of a Tenements
building that is padlocked.
I yelled, "hey what cha think your doing?"
He says, "getting a hold of myself."
 

FB keeps asking " what's on your mind"? So here it is:
I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out; the way to get to Sesame Street; why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps; why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"; why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed; why "abbreviated" is such a long word; why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons; why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections; and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? And just what is Victoria's secret? You see, the world just has to keep going. I have too many questions......and do you really think I am this witty ???? ...because I actually stole this from a friend, who stole from a friend, who stole from a friend, who stole from a friend, who stole from a friend. P.S. and why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets??
 
And why didn't most of them jump out to save themselves?
 

Before the Work in Home Office there were go into the Office Jobs. They gave you a Cubical, phone and Puter.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, "like, You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody."
 
1ST CONTACT;

ME; "May I touch that?"

ALIEN; "That is not an erogenous zone!"

ME; It's cute, can I have Sex with it?"

ALIEN; "That's exactly what I asked 600 years ago!"
 
This old children's song suddenly popped in my head.

This old man, he played one.
He played knick knack on my thumb.
With a knick knack, paddy whack, give my dog a bone.
This old man came rolling home.

This old man, he played two.
He played knick knack on my shoe... and so on.

Now I can't get it out of my head! :(
 
The really hot young barmaid sets the Draft on the bar in front of Lil Johnny and
sees the really big coins laying on it. "Why do you have such big coins?"
The really Hot Barmaid asks Lil Johnny?
So; Lil Johnny thinks a moment and replies,
"Well these are 10-inch pennies !"
A woman nearby asks, "how did you get them, Lil Johnny?"
Well Lil Johnny tells the story of how he was in a foreign country and
he bought this doll that the former owner said, "could get him anything."
Amazed, the people of the bar ask if they can have a go,
to which Lil Johnny soon replies, "sure, I'll get it now."
And he brings out a miniature doll, about 1/3 the size of a kids doll.
Now; Lil Johnny warns everyone, " it doesn't hear things properly"
but no one listens because they're so fascinated.
One Guy says, "I want a million pounds!"
and in through the front door walk a million girls.
"We're ready to pound you!"
Then the woman says, "I want an electric car with voice control!"
and soon after that, there's a horn, and the woman checks on her new car.
"It's dyslexic, not electric!" she complains.
Then she asks Lil Johnny, "what exactly did you ask for?"
and Lil Johnny replies, "I certainly didn't ask for some 10-inch-wide pennies!"
 
Lil Johnny now a Handicapped returnee from war goes into his old neighborhood bar !
What the hell happened to you? asks the really Hot Bar Maid!
Why do you have a hook on your right hand?
Well; Lil Johnny thinks on that and He replies:
"Its a very long War Story, a Grenade lands in our trench and
a Mortar follows it before I can do much !"
"You know, I lost some stuff in that fight for sure!"
The Really Hot Bartender is Moved by it and says,
"You lost your eye and you got the eye patch?“
But Lil Johnny always a gentleman confesses, " that is because seagull **** into my eye On a Beach !"
The barmaids been around and responds, "What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from Bird **** in an Eye!"
So; Lil Johnny has to think a moment, and he says, "Yes that is true but I only had the hook for a short time!"
 
I call my dog "Sex". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said, "I didn't care what she looked like." Then I said,
"You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was a 9-year-old."
He said, "You must have been quite a kid."

"When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special stuff for Sex."
"He said that every room in the place was for sex". I said,
"You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he is greeted by two grim-faced LEO at his door.
"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens," says Lil Johnny
"We have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man says.
Sargent LEO says: "We have some bad news,
some good news and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said:
"Give me the bad news first."
So Lil Johnny says: "I’m sorry to tell you sir,
but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.
Then, remembering what Lil Johnny the LEO had said, he asked:
"What’s the good news?"
"Well," the LEO then answers,
"When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and
a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

"We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 
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What are the 3 most often told lies?
1. your check is in the mail
2. OK that can be fixed
3. Clean your room and you can go out an play.

What do you call Tattoos initials on fingers?
Monogramed Handkerchiefs.
 
I can't wait for the Field Tractors to come with Technology so I can goof off and still get stuff done with the Field Tractors. You know a fake GPS badge so I can leave my real one in my Tractors and leave the field while the
Field Tractors can get some work done & Me under a shady spot enjoying a cold brew. ...
Have you ever forgot its Friday thru Monday morning.
 

A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.​

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.​

A police officer, who happens to be there, runs straight to the man.​

He finds the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.​

"You're gonna be fine. I saw the whole thing, and I already radioed for the ambulance."​

Lawyer: "Are you $#^# kidding me?!? I was on my way to court with the evidence​

to win a five-hundred million-dollar claim when that idiot plowed into my car.​

And look at my suit. It's ruined. It's an original one-of-a-kind exclusive straight from the designer in Milan. Just look at my car! It was the first concept car ever to be put into production. This car costs more than all those crap-houses on any city block combined!"​

The officer, shaking his head in disbelief over this man's attachment to material thinks as he walks away from the scene to fill out his accident report, "I've seen plenty of car crashes, and there is no way he should even be alive right now. I noticed the left arm is ripped clean off along with his left foot & leg. Sure hope the ambulances across tending the drunk comes over and fixes all the blood let.​

 
Harvey has lived a full life and is hanging on in his bed.
He suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
So, Harvey struggles out of bed, gathering his house slippers and PJ's off of the floor to wear.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly puts them on and makes his way
down the hall to the Bathroom. Exerting even greater efforts forces himself onto the Throne
While gripping the rails on both sides with both of his hands.
Much later he slowly finds his way down the stairs and then near to the kitchen.
With labored breath, he leans against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven:
there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally 3 dozen of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
"Is it heaven," Harvey says almost aloud.
Or is it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife?
Does she just want him to leave this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, He throws himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted:
the wondrous taste of the cookies are already in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.
His aged and withered hands tremble stretching as if in slo-motion on
their way to grasp a cookie at the edge of the table,
when they are suddenly smacked with a spatula by Mrs.

"Stay out of those," she says, "they're for the funeral."
 
In a mother's womb were twin boys.
One asked the other: "Do you believe in life after delivery?"
The other replied, "Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery."
"Nonsense," says the other. "There is no life after delivery. What would that life be like?"
"I don't know. Perhaps there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk on our legs and eat from our mouths."
The other cried, "That is absurd! Walking on our legs? And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous. Our legs and mouths don't do anything. The umbilical cord is all we need for survival."
"I think there is something and maybe it's very different than it is here," said one twin.
"No one has ever come back from there," replied the other twin. "No, delivery is the end of life. It is nothing but darkness and anxiety...and it takes us nowhere."
"Well, I don't know," says the other, "but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us."
"Mother??" exclaimed one twin incredulously. "You believe in mother? If she's real, then where is she now?"
"She is all around us," said the other twin. "Can't you feel her? It is within her that we live and move and have our being. Without her...we would not be alive."
"Well, you can believe that if you want, but I don't see her, so it's only logical that she doesn't exist."
"Sometimes when we're quiet I can hear her," said the other twin. "I can sense her presence. Yes, brother, I do believe there is life after delivery. and perhaps we're simply here to prepare ourselves for that life."
 
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor
yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons;
why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections;
why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a
"Penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?

Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?

why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets??
Why didn't most of them jump out and save themselves????
 

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