The Mindless Thread

I lost my path first, so, Snowball, she followed me shortly.
I'm not to blame for her mistakes.
I am to blame for Mine.
Unfortunately, the kids don't believe me about the reasons.
 

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"
the expert explained. "She made lot of trips between the refrigerator,
stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20
minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
 
Cupid gets a lot of credit for catalyzing true love,
his brother, Stupid, the god of ill-advised,
drunken hook-ups. ...... He's been forgotten.

(Groan)
 
The Really hot young Blonds car is broke down in a bad area of town
so, she calls 911 asking assistance cause it's really scarry around her.

Soon the LEO arrives and with his flash light in hand he approaches her car.
"What seems to be the problem Miss," he asks?
My car won't run, it just sits here."

"Let me see if I can help you, let me try to start it."
So she scoots her hot lil self over and the Officer starts the car.

"Your Car runs fine Miss," he says. "Are you familiar with how it works?"
"Sure I put it in ( D ) for Day and ( N ) for night."
 
I left from work one Friday. Since it was payday, I decided to go out for a night of partying
with the guys and ended up spending my whole paycheck and staying out the whole weekend.

When I finally got home Sunday night, my wife let me have it BIG time. We argued for hours.
Finally she cooled down and asked me "how would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

I said "that would be fine, I'll survive." Monday went by, I didn't see my wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by
with the same results.


Thursday came, and the swelling went down just enough that I could see her a little bit out of the corner of my left eye.


note; Only 3800 miles to go; float with the Current ! ...
 
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There was a recent news story about a guy that was hooked on brake fluid.
He said he has been using it on a regular almost daily basis.

The news reporter asked why he kept using it.
His response: He just couldn’t stop!


Reminds me of MacGyver episode. Car ruptures brake line.
MacGyver hooks power steering hose up an car stops ! …
I guess hooked on hyd fluid works too !



GROAN
 
I became obsessed with The Beatles.
One day I finally had all of The Beatles 33 1/3 Albums,
45's, 8 Tracks, Cassetts & CD's except one!
Just one of their songs is missing in my Collection.

All I need is Help.



GROAN
 
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How may I help you ?"
He says, "I want to talk to my Lawyer."
"I’m sorry, but he died last week."
Well; Then she phones up and asks the same question.
"I want to talk with Our Lawyer!"
"I told you yesterday, he died last week."
So; The next day She calls and asks, "I wanna talk with my Lawyer."
"I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week."
I just love hearing it."
 
One day, the blonde's neighbor goes over to her house,
sees the blonde crying and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and
calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and
found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister.
Her mother died too!"
 
Miss Reynolds a very pretty 6th grade teacher is concerned.
One of her eleven-year-old students tests scores are low.
Taking him aside after class one day, she ask,
"Little Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
So Lil Johnny thinks about that for a bit and answers, "I'm in love."
Holding back an urge to smile, his teacher then asks, "With whom?"
"With YOU Miss Reynolds!" Lil Johnny says.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is?
It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday.
But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry, Miss Reynolds, I'll use a rubber."
 
I can not shop at Costco anymore. Yesterday I was at Costco
buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco,
the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think,
I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is,
to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no,
I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Have you ever seen a Senior driving with a bumper sticker with ("#11__People hit and killed) __ on it.""
 
A plan is a good plan if it will work.
A plan that is working is a plan to stick too!
A plan than is adjustable so it can work better,
Is a good plan, one to stick too unless
it needs to be changed to an even better plan.
One that can work even better! .......
 
The explorer Guy is in the deepest Amazon Jungle &
suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself,
"Oh Lord, I'm so screwed."
"No you are NOT Screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and
bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the Explorer picks up the stone and
proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief's head.

"Okay . . . NOW you're So Screwed!"
 
Sherry and Barbara had a small fender-bender in the Public parking lot when they both backed out of their parking spots at the same time. Nobody was hurt, but the bumpers were damaged enough that they would need to be fixed.

The blame wasn't obvious as Sherry had gotten distracted by a text message and Barbara was on the phone when they bumped. But neither wanted to shoulder the blame and the hundreds of dollars that the repairs would take.

They wound up suing and counter-suing for damages. The judge determined that they were equally liable as both were distracted and each would pay for their own repairs. He fined Sherry $100 and Barbara $500.

Barbara was irate and demanded an explanation for the different fines. The judge replied, "Sherry's testimony made it clear that she was texting while driving and was fined accordingly, while your testimony was an admission that you were driving while intalksicated".
 
A blonde goes horse back riding.
They start out at a walk, then slowly speed
but then the ride goes to a gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden
she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn't slow and the blonde
is still being dragged upside down.

She doesn't know what to do.
It goes on for an eternity, her being drug.





Finally, the Store manager unplugs it.
 
In the musical West Side Story, there is a song called Gee, Officer Krupke. Riff, the leader of the Jets sings in one of the verses:

My daddy beats my mommy,
My mommy clobbers me,
My grandpa is a commie,
My grandma pushes tea,
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress,
Goodness gracious, that's why I am a mess!
 
She screams. Lil Johnny comes a running. "Lil Johnny I've suctioned myself to the floor,"
"Ohhh nooo!" Lil Johnny says and tries to pull her up. "You're just too heavy, love.
I'll go across the road and get Buckey to help us."
So, they both tried to pull her up.
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."
Lil Johnny exclaims, "While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her!"
"Play with her" Bucky says. "Why would you do that? This is hardly the time."
Lil Johnny says, "Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough,
I can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace."
 
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A night without hope is like you know, a nightmare.
A Month without Cheetos or Chocolate is you know, not the answer.
 

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