This has been a rough few days.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I’m so tired.

When Devin first died, all I could think was “I can’t survive this. This is impossible, I won’t be able to live through it.” 8 months later and I’m still here, but I’m fundamentally and brutally changed. I’m slowly and painfully growing around the desolate grief and loss, forcing myself to expand to encompass it, because there’s no getting away from it, no leaving it behind, no getting over it. I’m still learning how to function in spite of it, how to survive this impossible new reality.

I fight against the sadness, grief, loss, anguish constantly. There’s a normal that can’t ever be again, because my normal before had Devin in it. And now it doesn’t.

A lot of the time, life feels forced and artificial. I laugh, I interact, I do most of the things I did before, I function the way I used to, but now it’s hard work, because I’m pushing against and fighting through the anguish and loss that never goes away. My days are hard. Some are worse than others.

I still cry, every day. When circumstances permit I can give in to it, but sometimes I have to just swallow it down and force it away and move on.

Everything reminds me of Devin. Even a new experience that has nothing to do with him, all I can think is I can’t tell him about this, I can’t share it with him. All my memories are all overshadowed by his lack of presence. The simplest, most innocuous things are often a trigger.

This is a lifelong journey and I’m still learning how to travel it.IMG_1364.jpeg
 

I try to imagine myself in your place, Ronni .. and know that I would not be able to put aside my grief. I have no words of wisdom for you - only that, hopefully, time will ease some of your pain.

Meanwhile, allow yourself to be embraced by your loving family, who are also grieving.

🤗 🙏
 
I love this photo of Devin. As I look at him I'm seeing a kind gentle soul, a good young man who loves his mom.

He is now at home in heaven. Everything is bright and happy. There is perfect joy and beauty forever. All the pain and grief is over, every restless past. He's at peace for eternity. He's safe. He's home. It's no longer dark, he's no longer fearful.

Someone who loves Devin deeply met him when he arrived (maybe it was Jesus (my belief) or maybe a beloved relative (I'm on board with that too). He had someone to lean on right away. He had nothing to dread. So you must not grieve too much because he still loves you deeply. Try to look beyond earth's shadows and pray to trust our Creator's will.

There is a purpose still waiting for you here on earth so don't let yourself slow down for too long. Do your calling while life remains and someday, when your purpose has been fulfilled, you will be gently called home and be with Devin for eternity. Life on earth is but a speck in comparison.

🦋🕊️Oh, the joy you have to look forward to 🕊️🌈
 
@Ronni, I am new here, so we don't really know one another yet. Your post moved me to tears. I am so terribly sorry for your enormous loss. I cannot begin to imagine how shattered you are.

I wish I had some wise, comforting words that would help alleviate your pain, but I do not. I will be holding you close in my thoughts today and sending you virtual hugs from up here in the Great Plains.
 
@Ronni , I am honoured to have read your most honest thread about your experience with a most close loss and grief. Thank you. It reminds me of my own and how it is for me today. That is why I am replying to you, it may help you to move on a bit more freely.

All grief and loss takes its time, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
All grief and loss can come to its final stage of acceptance. Accepting it puts the experience into its truth (something you will need to sort out for yourself).
Our own grief is the loss of a big part of our own identity (as a parent, guardian, teacher, nurturer, little-me, etc). The loss creates a big gap (hole) in who we thought we were. To feel whole again, some transfer their experience to help others, they regaining some of those lost identities in doing so.
Acceptance helps to let go of our own regrets, wishes, hopes and wants with what we lost. And helps to hold onto our own gratitude, experiences, lessons learnt, fun times, revelations, insights, and unconditional love for what we lost.
We will never forget the lost, for it is part of our memory.
The best we can do is, in our own time and way, is to come to a point of acceptance.

In saying this, I sometimes miss those I lost where I feel like crying, and that is what I do. I don't hold it back, I just let it out no matter where I am or who I am with. It all helps to clear more inner space for my loved ones in my heart.

Time is the healer (somethings quickly, somethings slowly).
 
Ronni I do not know the pain of losing a child but I do know the pain of losing someone close to suicide. It's something that you can't get over but the pain loses some intensity with time. If you are lucky and look in the right places you might have some post traumatic growth.
Best wishes with your recovery journey, it's a process not an event.
Kia Kaha, stay strong.
 
Ronni, you will get through this it just takes time. My stepdaughter took her own life and it changed my husband forever. What he did to deal with his grief was to keep busy. He just worked all day long on our property. Night time was the hardest because he could not sleep and would have nightmares about her. Eventually, all that lessened but it is always with him. Praying you find the help you need through your groups.
 
Ronni, I can't tell you I've been there because I haven't. I've never lost a child; i have no right to say, "I know how you feel". I can, however, give you sympathy.

My niece suffered this with one of her sons. He had lost his way at an early age and couldn't get on the right path again. He had bad friends.

He didn't kill or even hurt anyone but he couldn't stay out of trouble. There was a cycle of jail, get out, get in trouble again, go to jail, get out, violate parole, jail, out, jail, out.

Finally the "three strikes and you're out" (except this was maybe twelve strikes) was invoked and his latest misdeeds landed him in prison with a lengthy sentence (20-30, I believe) and he hung himself in his cell.

She had never given up on him and his death by suicide was an even harder blow as a faithful Catholic. I don't know how she got through it but somehow she did.

It's been a few years now and she is doing a lot better than I'd expected.

Ronnie, the first year is very, very hard. The first Christmas, the first birthday, the first Mother's Day, the first anniversary of the fateful day, but, Ronnie, it gets better. Not good but more endurable. The mind does its job by making things a little softer, a little more remote, a little less painful as time passes.

Ronnie, know that you have friends here who, while they can't be with you in person, are with you in spirit.
 

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