Too thin-skinned, I guess

G

GeorgiaXplant

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia
My brother, a widower, came to visit last year in April. He was going to visit in our hometown in July and wanted me to go along, but I just couldn't swing the cost. He insisted, absolutely INSISTED that we go together this year in July, so I said that I would and that he should let me know what dates. All during the year, he'd bring it up, I'd say yes still planning to go. After his visit here, he went to Oregon to visit his kids. While he was visiting his kids last year, he looked up and visited with the widow of an old friend. She and her DH were friends with brother and his wife. She moved out West to be closer to her kids after her DH's death.

He was going to sell his house near DC as soon as one he was building in West Virginia was ready to move into, went to Mexico for a couple of weeks during the winter, finished the new house, sold the old one (the day after it was listed!)...and moved to Oregon where he just bought another home. He got more and more vague during the spring, then announced on Facebook that he bought a house in his new location. The next thing I knew, he announced that he's going to marry again. Yup. The widow friend he visited last spring. That's fine. I'm all for it and happy for them both.

In May when I asked about dates for the trip "home" in July, he'd just chat away, not mention it, or change the subject and kept getting more and more vague. This morning I saw on Facebook that yes, indeed, he did go home in mid-July for a week and is now vacationing at his new "cabin" in West Virginia.

Yes, I know he has his own life. I looked forward all year to spending a week at home visiting with my brothers and sisters and my favorite aunt.

My feelings are hurt.

Rant over.
 

I just need to get over it. It wouldn't feel so awful if I didn't feel like I'm everybody else's afterthought. The only people who really seem to have time for me and are glad to see me coming are my clients. Guess I won't retire after all!
 

Georgie, I am too thin skinned for my own good as well sweetie, and people don't realise how they hurt you with their thoughtless actions sometimes.
I feel exactly the same as you with regards being the afterthought, but chin up my lovely, don't let it get you down, there's lots of people I'm sure would be glad of your company, you've just got to stop putting so much time and effort into people who might not deserve it and be with people who enjoy your company, like us on here for example!! ((hugs))
 
You're right but it hurts when I'm not just an afterthought but a neverthought.

Last Saturday DD took DGD shopping for school clothes, and I mentioned that I'd like to go along. I was going down to visit DS, who lives just south of the city, and had told her approximately when I'd be back. They left two hours before I was back and came home four hours after I got home. I mean...geez...we live under the same roof. Once supper is over every evening, I come back over here to Lilliput and don't hear from any of them on the other side of the house until maybe the next morning if anybody happens to be up when I leave for work.

I was going to go down to visit DS this morning and raid his garden. He doesn't have a car so when I'm there, I take him to run any errands that he has that are a nuisance to do via bus/train, but he told me last night not to come because he didn't "need" me for anything.

It feels like my brother didn't want me to meet his new bride, like my DD/DGD would rather shop without me, like DS only wants me to come down when he needs the convenience of my transportation.
 
Geeze ... I'm glad I don't have family anymore ...

Actually, I LIKE being a neverthought - it frees me up to live my own life. Strange viewpoint, I know, but that's me.
 
Phil, that's it...I need a life aside from 13 brothers and sisters, two living kids, three step-kids, 10 grandkids, too many first cousins to count, and one 89-year-old aunt.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
Phil, that's it...I need a life aside from 13 brothers and sisters, two living kids, three step-kids, 10 grandkids, too many first cousins to count, and one 89-year-old aunt.
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Georgia, you're right. The problem sometimes is that if you've always been there for people they come to take you for granted and they make no effort knowing you will always be there regardless of how they treat you. If you got yourself out and about and made new friends that they are not a part of I think you might see a different side to them, and they'll have more respect for you. I could be wrong but I don't think I am.

It''s a bit like when we're in a relationship sometimes, and the pot has gone off the simmer, we soon perk up if someone else starts showing interests around that coffee pot don't we?
 
Wow.

Of my two sons I only ever speak to one, and he's down in your neck of the woods at Tech. He's married now, is finishing up his Master's degree and I might see or speak to him once or twice a year.

No other family left.
 
Georgia, I certainly can understand your feeling as being an afterthought, but I think you've hit upon the solution by creating a life for yourself....that is the answer, but I've been there and done the same with family...and being hurt....hugs to you.
 
Holly, what I've run into in the past five years that I've been here is that by the time we're in our (g)olden years, people have pretty much made their own friends and don't usually welcome new ones...I have some friendly acquaintances but no real friends. A widow from New Jersey relocated here in the spring. I'd met her already when she was house hunting in our neighborhood and bought a house just a few doors down. She was so nice and so friendly when I met her that I was excited for her to get settled in. I did go down for a few minutes the morning that the moving van arrived, and we made a date for lunch. When it turned out that I couldn't make lunch, I walked down to let her know and to make a new plan. This was four days in advance. She said she'd let me know when she'd be free. I haven't heard from her since then.

I did notice that even though she was very mobile seemed active when she was looking at the house, both times that I was over there, she was...what?...sedentary? She knows which house I live in, and I invited her to come over to sit on the patio and have a glass of tea, but apparently she doesn't walk except around her house.

Turned out that she relocated here to be near her brother and spends her time driving over to his house to visit.
 
Georgia, don't take the old lady's rejection personally. You extended a hand of friendship but she was not interested simply because she had only moved into the area to be with her family and not make new friends. I understand when you get older that it's harder to make new friends but what about joining a club where you all have something in common, whether it's a knitting club or a ramblers club, loads of possibilities where you could meet like-minded folks. You sound like a lovely caring person so don't let it get you down.
 
I feel for you Georgia, and can understand your hurt feelings. :girl_hug: Is there any way you can go to visit your brothers, sisters and favorite aunt on your own, without depending on your brother? Don't take that too personally. I know a lot of people who think nothing of scrapping plans and not even thinking to notify their affected friends or family. Besides, if he was romantically interested in that widow, then everything else that was supposed to be happening takes a back seat.

People who have children and grandchildren that want them to be part of their every day lives, like shopping, going out to eat, etc., are blessed (and rare). I know that I made no attempts to spend quality time with my mother, even when we lived in the same state, I rarely even phoned her. I know that's the case with a lot of people, please don't take it personally. People do get very involved with their own lives, and that's all they care about, not unusual.

I keep to myself a lot, and if I moved into a new neighborhood, although I would be friendly with someone, if they invited me for lunch I would very likely just say no thank you. I wouldn't give any false promises of calling them back, etc. You shouldn't take any of these things personally, like it's something just against you Georgia. You're reading too much into it, in my opinion.

I know that sometimes we can review things over and over in our heads, and just amplify the matter using our own impression of what happened and why it did. These things likely have nothing to do with you personally, try to see the big picture and realize that you shouldn't put yourself down at all in these cases. I know you're feeling down about everything, but you don't deserve to feel that way.

I advise that you put these things behind you, take a deep breath, and move forward to get on enjoying your life. Do a little something special for yourself, you'll feel better. Don't even think about not retiring my dear, you've worked hard for years, and you deserve some r&r in your golden years. Hugs.:love_heart:
 
I dread the day the kids don`t want to hang out with us anymore but I know it`ll come. We got home at 2am this morning after partying at dd`s all night. Cop friend drove us home since we won`t drink and drive and he didn`t drink because he had to coach kid`s football at 8am this morning. Son in law just drove our car home,then he and dh went to play golf together. Tonight we`ll drive about 45 miles to youngest dd`s house because dh told her last night (after a couple of vodkas) that he wanted to come down and celebrate her step son`s birthday with them tonight. She was so excited that we wanted to come down,we can`t disappoint her-in spite of the fact that when I reminded dh of their conversation this morning,he said "I DID??!!?? Ugh. It won`t be such a late night tonight....Hopefully about the same time they don`t want to hang out with us anymore,we`ll be too tired to care.

Funny story about last night though....several of us were outside sitting around the patio table and I guess earlier in the kitchen dh and two of the younger guys (late 30s) were talking and the guys wanted to know how was it that he and I were still so obviously in love after being married so long. I don`t know exactly what he told them but a bit later,when we were all sitting outside and I was in a deep conversation with my youngest dd,dh came up,picked up a chair and squeezed it in so he was sitting right next to me. Not wanting to leave my convo with dd,I handed him my wine glass and asked him if he could pour me another glass. I don`t think I even looked at him. The three guys (including dh) just busted up laughing. I guess dh had told them "Watch. I`ll sit down next to her and she`ll either put her hand on my leg or reach over and hold my hand. Instead I say "Can you pour me another glass of wine?" Bahahahahahaha. Ain`t love grand?
 
SB, let me see if I can explain the situation. I have eight brothers and five sisters, most of whom still live in my hometown. A sister and one brother live here; two brothers live in Texas. They're "steps" and were born here so no reason for them to go up there. One brother lives in the Twin Cities, one sister lives near Milwaukee, and the brother who posted on Facebook lives in Oregon, I think (his little town might be in Washington, just across the state line). He posted pictures of the family get together with comments about how a good time was had by all. The brother and sister who no longer live in our home town, along with all the rest of the them, including the nieces and nephews and their children who still live there, were in the pictures. Most of those family members who are on Facebook chimed in with their own comments. One sister was "glad we had plenty of time to arrange this; we should do it every year." Obviously, it was a planned event. Yes, I took it personally. I sat on my hands and refrained from making any comments of my own.

The plan was that my brother would come here and spend a couple of days, and we'd all drive up together, come back here and drop me off, then he'd drive to his new house in West Virginia where he was planning a get together with long-time friends from his "former" life. His friends are also her friends; they have known one another for many years. I understand new wife = new life.

And no, unfortunately there is no way I can get up there on my own. It's almost 1200 miles from here so less than a practical idea for me to make that drive alone, and even if I could afford the air fare (about $650), it's still a hundred-mile drive from the nearest airport so would require car rental unless one of the sisters or brothers would drive down to fetch me.

As to the new neighbor, SHE is the one who suggested having lunch together. The kids? Who knows? DS did get a substantial check from a client last week so didn't need me and my debit card.

edited to add: The Facebook post has been deleted; it probably registered with my brother that I'd see it.
 
Thanks for making that more clear Georgia, I was misunderstanding the story a bit. I can see why you would feel both hurt and angry, sorry this happened to you. You're right about making that trip alone, I certainly wouldn't want to do that, especially by car. :eek:
 
Hello Georgia, I can understand your hurt feelings. You looked forward to the trip and then it didn't happen so no
wonder you are disappointed. Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? Staying busy at something you like is a good
way to past the time. Joining some kind of group or club might be an idea to try. There are senior groups in most
areas that start at age 55 and that could be a way to meet a friend or two. Don't give up on people, there are nice
folks around who would like to have a friend too. All the best to you.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
People seem to be satisfied with their lives just as they are. After five years, I'm tired of trying. I give up.
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I can understand totally. Your brother was very insensitive to treat you that way. The old saying 'blood is thicker than water', it sure is not that way in my life.
 
I have Tucker, The Purrfectly Good Cat. He's always glad to see me when I get home from work, eliminates the need for an alarm clock and is soft and cuddly. He's very entertaining and comforts me when I'm feeling blue:).
 
Have you given any thought to voicing your disappointment? Telling your brother how you feel? Asking him if he would rather you keep your distance? Asking your DD and DGD why they couldn't include you on their shopping trip and letting them know how left out you feel? Sometimes we have to let people know that we know what's going on. Give them a chance to do better or move on. I too am in search of a social circle. I have 'been there' for countless people all my adult life. When people find their footing, seems the first thing they do is move on. I don't expect people to be beholdent to me, but to cast me off does leave me feeling a way.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
People seem to be satisfied with their lives just as they are. After five years, I'm tired of trying. I give up.
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Hi Georgia,

I've spent most of my life trying to be a friend to people that have come into my life despite being a very introverted person (in person) and I finally quit bothering when we made our last move across the country. I decided not to bother because it's never reciprocated. And in thinking about it, I think there are some people who are here to be 'friend magnets' and the world flocks to them even when they aren't trying to be friends. And then there's folks like you and me who try and try and the friendships never happen.

I think we try for those friendships because society tells us we should have lots of friends, that's normal. But maybe people like us are here for a different reason. Maybe we're here to begin to understand who we are in light of the way the world is or who we are as far as spiritual things are concerned and that those 'friendships' would only get in the way of our personal journey of discovery. Whatever the case, I think you will be a lot happier if you quit having expectations of other people. By that I mean, expecting them to respond to your friendliness, expecting them to care for your feelings......some people, lots of people just aren't equipped to do that and when you have those expectations, you are only setting yourself up to be hurt by the failure of your efforts.

I'll tell you this, after a lifetime of trying to be a friend and feeling like it was a struggle and a disappointment, I've never been so happy as I am now in that department. Look at it this way, when you're connecting online like we are here, you know that the folks commenting are wanting to 'be a friend' at some level and as long as we're careful of their feelings, most of the time they'll be careful of yours.
 

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