Wanting grandchildren

M

Marie

New Member
Location
TX
My son who is in early s 30's has been dating a nice girl for over a year now. She is a few yrs older. He recently told me he is not sure he wants to have children and his girlfriend does not either. I realize they may not continue their relationship or may change their minds, but I am heartbroken to hear this and an having an extremely difficult time trying to deal with it.

I had fertility issues and difficulty having a family and it was a very painful experience for me and now I feel like I am living it all over again. I am looking forward to having grandchildren in my life and his is my only surviving child. I want grandchildren so badly while I am still young enough to enjoy them. This is just tearing me apart.
 

Marie, I do have grandchildren and one is adopted and I love her as much as the other two. If your son marries this girl they may change their mind or may not. We are not defined by our children's choices and have to respect them. Its hard to accept some of our children's decisions but we have to try and understand them. Things change for all of us. They are young and as they get older they may change their mind. If not be happy that he has found someone that shares his views as it would be worse if there was a conflict between them about the issue. After all its his happiness that is at stake.
 
My daughter was told in her teens she would be unable to have children, not being maternal and having already made up her mind not to have any, she was fine about it but it was, and still is, a huge sadness to me, more so now when all my friends are having grandchildren

Couples can have a great life without the worry and responsibility of children, and with the state of the world as it is, many are choosing not to have them I can understand that and, hard as it is at times, we have to respect our children's choices
 

We have no grandchildren also. We did have a "grand beagle" for several years, but she passed. It's just a fact of life, though sad for us, but it is what it is.
 
Marie, I'm sorry that you feel this way, but like you said they may still change their minds in due time. Even if they don't, you have to give them both credit for thinking about it seriously and in a mature way, rather than having babies who really weren't wanted. More young couples should make this very important and personal decision together and not take it lightly.

Wren, I also was unable to have children, and once I knew that, after some initial sadness I accepted it and went on to have a wonderful life with my loving husband of over forty years now. You're wise to say that parents should accept their children's choices no matter what their reasons.
 
I know it is his decision and not mine to make. He is an adopted child so I would have no problems with his adopting. I am interested to hear from some people who did not have children and how they feel about it now that they are older. I know some very depressed and lonely older people who do not have close family members.
 
I never had any Marie and I'm not depressed or lonely, of course I still have my husband with me. But if the day came when I was alone, I'd just socialize with friends or neighbors and probably go about my usual daily routine, walking with my dog in the park, etc. I only have one sister still living and she's out of state, we visit each other rarely and call each other or email just several times a year. She's older than me, so even if I needed help in my old age I don't think it would be possible to have her leave her family and travel to take care of me. Personally, I had no interest in adopting, just wanted a baby with my husband or none at all.
 
I have never had children and for me it is a case of not missing what I've never had.

I don't have any close family or friends that I can or would rely on. All any of us can do is put one foot in front of the other and deal with what comes our way.

If being part of a young persons life is important to you then look around and see what is possible for you. Babysit a couple of young children for a few hours each week. Volunteer at school, church, library, etc... Hire a young person to stop by and do some small errands or chores around your home after school. Focus on what is possible and what is within your control instead of dwelling on things that are out of your control.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for the input. I worry about him being lonely and having no one to take care of him when he is old. No I won't be here, but it's just my nature. Never stop worrying about your children. He and I are very close and I come from a very family orIented and close family.
 
I, also, made the decision that parenthood was not for me, and I would never go out of my way to try to have children. That being said, if I found a child AS in my future, I would have accepted it. But, now, many years later, I feel no sense of loss over not having had children or the obvious no grandchildren.
 
I, too, am childless and grandchildless, and I don't mind. But I will say that working as a classroom aide at an elementary school with little kids sure has been fun and has filled any void I may have had. I love each one almost as if they were my own. No, they're not going to take care of me when I can't, but that is never a good reason to have kids anyway.

Our school has a "Grandma" program. Through one of the local senior centers, grandmas can come help in a class at the school. They are paid something--not much--and are given free meals. I know of two who come back every year.

There are plenty of ways to be a grandma to a kid who otherwise would not have one. I say stop thinking of yourself and go volunteer. And that goes for anyone else who is bored or lonely, or feeling deprived not having children in your life.
 
My ex wife and I had one boy and my current wife of 41 years and I had no children by mutual choice.

My son has given my ex and I three grandchildren.....I've met them once and I believe the oldest boy is now about twenty and in college.

My son does extremely well financially so I know that my grand kids will always be well taken care of.

I'm somewhat concerned about the future as far as who will look after the one of us that remains alive (my current or I) after the first one of us passes but I suppose we'll just have to wait and see how things play out.

I have no regrets about my current wife and I deciding not to have children which also means no grandchildren.
 
Believe me, having kids is no guarantee of being taken care of as we age. And for everything we gain, like kids, something must be given up, like time, money and freedom. While children are a blessing from God, we must open ourselves to and joyfully accept Gods other blessings as well. Wanting grandchildren to the point of hurting may possibly blind you to the other good He has sent you in this life. I always try to remind myself to be careful not to miss the hidden and hard to find joys in life. But yeah often I find myself blinded to what is truly good.
 
Granny B. said:
I, too, am childless and grandchildless, and I don't mind. But I will say that working as a classroom aide at an elementary school with little kids sure has been fun and has filled any void I may have had. I love each one almost as if they were my own. No, they're not going to take care of me when I can't, but that is never a good reason to have kids anyway.

Our school has a "Grandma" program. Through one of the local senior centers, grandmas can come help in a class at the school. They are paid something--not much--and are given free meals. I know of two who come back every year.

There are plenty of ways to be a grandma to a kid who otherwise would not have one. I say stop thinking of yourself and go volunteer. And that goes for anyone else who is bored or lonely, or feeling deprived not having children in your life.
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I was thinking along the same lines when I read this post. I have children and grandchildren of my own but I still gain a lot of personal satisfaction from interaction with children. I am connected with a child care centre and I teach a small Sunday School class. I could also volunteer at any of the local public schools to help children with their reading. It may not be everyone's answer but it is worth investigating. I still believe that it takes a village to raise a child and they can never have too many caring adults around them.
 
i appreciate the many encouraging words and advice. Most of it I already know just having a very difficult time dealing with things. Just the way I am and due to things I experienced in the past.
 
Marie said:
I know it is his decision and not mine to make. He is an adopted child so I would have no problems with his adopting. I am interested to hear from some people who did not have children and how they feel about it now that they are older. I know some very depressed and lonely older people who do not have close family members.
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Well, my DH and I were DINKies when we worked. Remember that acronym? Double Income No Kids.

I just never wanted kids. My mother wasn't fond of babies so she never sentimentalized over them. When my eldest sister had a baby boy, she came to live with us when he was three. Baby-sitting him was a nightmare; he was a hyperactive child and hated going to bed before 11 p.m.! I had absolutely no romantic fantasies about cute little babies and sweet little toddlers. Ugh!

When I started my relationship with DH and it got serious, we had a number of talks. I told him I wasn't interested in having children and that if this was an issue for him, the decision was his to make: accept and stay or disagree and go. He was fine with it and we're very happy together, 43 yrs later.

We are both closer to my family than his (yes, that's his preference, too). But we spend more time with friends than with family. I have an older friend who is my mentor and inspiration. We were visiting them and talking about getting older. My MIL had started living with us and she had lost most of her friends; they had died or moved away, and she couldn't seem to make new ones on her own.

My friend B.A. said, "You know, we had that problem too - old friends dying off. So we solved the problem. We made younger friends!"

It was said jokingly, but it is in fact true. He and his wife have interests which they share generously with others who have those same interests, regardless of age. They have a wide and varied social circle, and it's helped tremendously as they've aged (they're in their mid- to late-80's now, still living in their home).

We've done the same. We have a variety of friends, almost all of whom are younger than we are. It's great! Our best friends right now are the same age at my niece - she was the person who introduced them to us.
 
Marie said:
Thanks for the input. I worry about him being lonely and having no one to take care of him when he is old. No I won't be here, but it's just my nature. Never stop worrying about your children. He and I are very close and I come from a very family orIented and close family.
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Your comment to do with worrying about your kids rang a bell. We're in our early 80's and our 4 kids are squeezed in between 54 and 60. They're actually all doing well but I couldn't agree more, with your comment. We still sit here being concerned about them, the grandkids and the great grands. I guess nature will never let us feel as though they can fend for themselves, even though they assist us more than we, them. LOL My wife, bless her, will still tell one of our 50-some year old daughters to "put on a warmer jacket - -you'll get a chill." Never ceases to make me have an inward smile.
 
I love being a grandmother. I have one granddaughter of my own, two more that are her step-sisters, two that are "semi-step-granddaughters" (they're the Spousal Equivalent's granddaughters but have known me as a granny since they were born) and now a great-granddaughter, all ranging in age from 25 to 1. I was born to be a grandma.
 

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