Well how did I get here?

Mr. Ed

Mr. Ed

Be what you is not what you what you ain’t
Location
Central NY

Have you thought about how you got to where you are at? I was a moody child who pouted when things did not go my way. 1st born meaning my parents treated me different than my two brother who born after me. I guess I was prone to depression before diagnosed with schizophrenia, however, my drug use served as an antagonist to the years ahead me as living proof of life in the Twilight Zone.
The reason I took psychedelics in the first place was to find myself. I experienced living the present, focused on whatever I choose within each moment. The future is irrelevant and the past has already had its moment so nothing else to do but be present.

it was best I stop psychedelics but new drugs appeared to relieve my mind from repetitious hateful thoughts I could not control. The first psychotropic medication I was given was Thorazine also called the chemical lobotomy. Did the Thorazine shuffle as my mouth drooled uncontrollably. ahh those were the days.

Years passed, I was seriously hospitalized another two times before I found myself. So I guess this is story of success? The second hospitalization was in State hospital outside of Atlanta Ga. I share this adventure at another time.
The 3rd hospitalization was in 2005, I was taking a lot medication and herbal supplements. On the day I overdosed I went into a spiritual awareness of connectedness with life, earth, space, people, creatures, plants, water and trees. The thing that eluded me in the beginning. of my quest is every bit a part of me in the way I process life.

How do you think?
https://pearlmindz.com/benefits-of-being-in-the-present-moment/
 

How do I think? I thought the world was a solid fantasy until my mother died when I was 13. My search for "truth" began then. I wondered what existence was about. Where did my mother go? I experimented with LSD when I was 18 and had a complete unification with everything in the universe experience. I was crying I was so happy. Then one time I took a little too much, when my Dad had abandoned us and I experienced complete ego loss. I couldn't read, or behave like I had the day before. I finally went to a psychologist, and they diagnosed "ego loss" and recommended I read "Stranger in a Strange Land" . I did and I could relate to "falling" to earth" and relearning how to understand life again. I searched and searched until I gave my life to Jesus. Bliss again...but it only lasted 9 years....in 1986 I joined a monastery...still here and still searching. :)
 
I don't mean to sound patronizing, but it must have been horrible to be taking drugs, especially psychedelic drugs. I can't even imagine what that would have been like. Did they give you drugs while you were in the hospital? Were you allowed to participate with the other patients doing things or did you have to stay in your room?
 

I had such an ordinary upbringing not even Mark Twain could write about it. Never did dope, never even had any interest in doing so. The only extraordinary event in my young life occurred at the age of 23 while I was in the army. I was brought up in the RC faith, went to high school at an RC seminary and in the army was a chaplain's assistant because of my background. One day in the midst of instructing a class of new recruits to the basics of the RC faith, in fact as I was replying to another young man's question, the RC faith of my life-to-date drained out me sort of like water down the bath tub drain, including the final sucking sound. That changed my life. I did some dumb things because of it and some intelligent things. But I was a different person.
 
My mother left when I was 5, as part of the divorce agreement she gave me to my father, who in turn gave me to my grandparents. I enjoyed my childhood until my father got married again when I was 12. I prefer not to go into my life between 12 and 15. That 2nd marriage lasted about as long as it takes me to write this. At 15 I got back to my grandparents and counted myself lucky, and still do! Lost grandpa in 1958, grandma in 1975, miss her every day of my life! My father tried marriage one more time (after I was grown and married) she left him after a couple of years, he didn't have much and she took everything but a cereal bowl and one spoon. I had no interest in drugs until I was about 65 and decided to try marijuana for its help with arthritis pain. didn't like smoking it, so we tried it baked in cookies. Tried it for years and never got high, then one night I tried smoking it again (out of cookies) I got high and hated that feeling. By then it was legal and DH tried an oil for help with sleep, I tried a pill for the same reason, and it worked too. It has never helped with pain, but we discovered it helped with sleep when we were using the cookies.
 
Paco Dennis said:
How do I think? I thought the world was a solid fantasy until my mother died when I was 13. My search for "truth" began then. I wondered what existence was about. Where did my mother go? I experimented with LSD when I was 18 and had a complete unification with everything in the universe experience. I was crying I was so happy. Then one time I took a little too much, when my Dad had abandoned us and I experienced complete ego loss. I couldn't read, or behave like I had the day before. I finally went to a psychologist, and they diagnosed "ego loss" and recommended I read "Stranger in a Strange Land" . I did and I could relate to "falling" to earth" and relearning how to understand life again. I searched and searched until I gave my life to Jesus. Bliss again...but it only lasted 9 years....in 1986 I joined a monastery...still here and still searching. :)
Click to expand...
I started over from scratch 3 times caused by intense psychosis. My mind was literally wiped clean of simple skills and decision making. Should I sit here or there? Should I use the knife or the fork, what are the repercussions for choosing the wrong one, most certainly it will be dire. Living like this until with certainty I could choose without second guessing.
 
Been There said:
I don't mean to sound patronizing, but it must have been horrible to be taking drugs, especially psychedelic drugs. I can't even imagine what that would have been like. Did they give you drugs while you were in the hospital? Were you allowed to participate with the other patients doing things or did you have to stay in your room?
Click to expand...
All three hospitals had me share a room with another patient until hospital staff put me in a room by myself. Which I preferred anyway.
 
amwassil said:
I had such an ordinary upbringing not even Mark Twain could write about it. Never did dope, never even had any interest in doing so. The only extraordinary event in my young life occurred at the age of 23 while I was in the army. I was brought up in the RC faith, went to high school at an RC seminary and in the army was a chaplain's assistant because of my background. One day in the midst of instructing a class of new recruits to the basics of the RC faith, in fact as I was replying to another young man's question, the RC faith of my life-to-date drained out me sort of like water down the bath tub drain, including the final sucking sound. That changed my life. I did some dumb things because of it and some intelligent things. But I was a different person.
Click to expand...
What is RC faith? I convinced myself I was to follow in my dad's footsteps by becoming a Christian minister. My reasoning was finally my dad and I would have something and bond together. After graduating from Community College I enrolled in a Bible College to become a Prison Chaplain. I volunteered and completed my internship at a correctional facility near the college. I enjoyed the work and I thought I was making a difference in the prison population. After 3 years of study I transferred to a university for a Bachelors degree in Human Services.
Not much difference in application except for the ability to claim individual achievement.
 
I was expected to my dad's without question to show the church community his family supported him. My dad never talked about god at home but again my dad stayed away from home because my mother told him what to do and he didn't have the intelligence to contradict her. So life without dad meant the absence of a father and father not knowing his family.
Parting words; when you figure out life is not for you it is too late to return from which you came and learn you have to wait until you die and take the last train to Clarksville
 
Mr. Ed said:
All three hospitals had me share a room with another patient until hospital staff put me in a room by myself. Which I preferred anyway.
Click to expand...
I have never visited a mental ward in a hospital, but have often wondered what a typical day is like. Are you given a lot of therapy one on one or is it mostly group? What drugs are you taking now and do they really seem to make a difference?

I knew of a fellow that lived in our community and with his parents. Then one day he was not around anymore. I never knew he was being treated for any mental illnesses, until the day he never showed up. I would go for a run every morning at 6:30. I would meet up with him on my way back and he was walking his dog and then we would sometimes stop and have a conversation. He seemed very likable and very intelligent. I had asked him if he went to college and he said he had his PhD from UNC. I was impressed.

After I hadn't seen him for almost 2 weeks, I walked up to the door where he was living and rang the doorbell. I guess it was his father that answered the door and I asked him if Josh was in and could I speak to him. He was kind of a gruff old man and not very pleasant. He told me that he wasn't living there anymore. I thought that was strange, so I asked him where he had moved to and maybe get an address so I could send him a card or letter. He answered very simply, "He's back in the looney bin and now leave us alone" and with that being said, he closed the door very rapidly.

I walked away feely really bad about this because I had taken such a liking to this man and his stories of his travels around the world. I had many questions to ask, but I knew better than to go back and ask this mingy type person any questions for fear of having the door slammed in my face again. That was over 5 years ago ad I still think about him and wonder what may have happened to him. He never seemed out of sorts to me, so this is all very confusing.
 
More so in the past mental illness was highly stigmatized in the media which affected the way society viewed mental illness. The first 34 years with schizophrenia I married and had two daughters. I was a heavy smoker so I stayed in the laundry room most of the time. I lost contact with my family even though we lived in the same house.
When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia I was able to get social security disability checks and Medicare. However, parents insisted I work, although I quit working usually within a week, social security determined I was healthy enough to support myself so I lost my benefits and had to wait for reinstatement.

I've been prescribed a lot of different medications since 1975. The first medication that was given to me was Thorazine, a heavy duty anti psychotic that cause you feet to shuffle and saliva out from your mouth. Many anti-psychotic medication cause Tardive Dyskinesia an uncontrolled facial movement disorder such as repetitive tongue movements, chewing or sucking motions, and may involve movements of limbs and torso. I pucker my lips.

Today I have my first Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation treatment for depression. I have to attend 36 sessions 5 days a week to benefit from treatment. TMS is used when a person is medication resistant treatment for depression. I am told magnetic fields target recognized areas of the brain that are associated with mood and depression. Its a brain tuneup.
 
Best of luck to you Ed! Hope this ends up bringing you JOY!
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top