What are the best things to say to someone in mourning, the worst?

Q: What is the one thing a man can say to a woman both at a funeral and after sex?
A: I'm so sorry. Were you close?
 

Pepper said:
A few years after my husband died I did get, or made, the opportunity to bring up to a few people "Why did you say nothing?" The idiotic answer from these adults was always "I didn't know what to say!" Boo hoo, poor them. I informed them, in the future, that saying just about anything is better than nothing.

It's their own deaths they fear, I've found, using avoidance as their protector. Death must be catching!
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I think people feel horribly awkward in the face of a grievous loss to someone they care about. Saying "I'm so sorry" seems trite and wholly inadequate, so we stumble around, hoping the perfect words will come, but they don't. So we say stupid things or nothing at all. It isn't that we don't care, it's that we just often don't know how to respond meaningfully and appropriately.
 

StarSong said:
I think people feel horribly awkward in the face of a grievous loss to someone they care about. Saying "I'm so sorry" seems trite and wholly inadequate, so we stumble around, hoping the perfect words will come, but they don't. So we say stupid things or nothing at all. It isn't that we don't care, it's that we just often don't know how to respond meaningfully and appropriately.
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Ah Gee, poor baby us, we don't know how to say something. WaWa. BooHoo. Yet we're old enough to vote and make babies. Wah.

As you can see, I don't excuse any excuse to be pitiful. Grow up Big Babies!
 
The thing I hate to hear is "they're in a better place now"

I usually say something like "I'm sorry, it's a terrible for you to have to go thru".
 
Pepper said:
Ah Gee, poor baby us, we don't know how to say something. WaWa. BooHoo. Yet we're old enough to vote and make babies. Wah.

As you can see, I don't excuse any excuse to be pitiful. Grow up Big Babies!
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I'm not making excuses, I'm merely explaining why some don't say anything.
 
StarSong said:
I'm not making excuses, I'm merely explaining why some don't say anything.
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Oh, I know that! just as I know that YOU would definitely say something. I found this out when I was widowed suddenly. The aversion of some people made it all so much worse and I won't excuse this selfish, frightened behavior.
 
On a more serious note i came across a really good analogy for the persistence and unpredictability of grief.
It's called the Ball in Box Theory. i shared on Mental Health group i belong to on FB and some found it helpful. I thought i'd share it here for those with persistent grief that sometimes fades a bit, but then surprises/ambushes us at unexpected moments.

box ball theory of grief 1.jpgbox ball grief 2.jpgBox Ball grief 3.jpg
 
Worst thing a person said when my husband died:
"Did you know our friend Steve died yesterday and Dot our secretary at work died too."
I was so filled up with my own grief over the loss of my husband that I had no more room inside me for more grief. It was the worst feeling.

Best thing a person said when my husband died:
A lady in our church who didn't know me nor my husband walked up to me and said, "I used to see your husband walking your children to Church and Sunday School every Sunday and just filled with so much love and joy for them, tender and kind and devoted.

There is always something you can say about the person even when you never knew the person. You can ask them to tell you about their departed loved one, a pleasant memory, shared interests, etc. and talk about that. The one in mourning feels comforted to recall good memories.
 
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After my husband died many people put together a reception at my house. My oldest daughter, age 7, came up to me and whispered, "I want to see Dad one more time". I said lets go outside in the sunshine and sit on the steps to talk.

I asked her what her favorite memory was of her Dad. She said, Dad told me that he loved me bigger than the sky. I said, "I've got an idea, when all the people leave, let's bring out all the family albums and look at all the pictures of Dad." That was the best thing I could have said because we talked about every one, even laughed at some, and it really helped her.
 
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