When asking advice from strangers..

BlunderWoman

BlunderWoman

Senior Member
When asking other people for advice it's a very good idea to examine your own situation honestly and not just accept random advice from people who have no way of knowing your entire situation.
When my ex and I first separated everyone and their dog told me to get a lawyer and sock it to my ex because he had a thriving business. That was the main advice I received. I didn't do it.
My ex went on the offensive with preemptive strikes. He was expecting me to get nasty, so he got nasty first. I didn't react to anything nasty he said or did. First and foremost to me come my kids and they love both of us. Watching us end our marriage in hatred would make things much harder on them. So.. I just never shot back. He kept up the nasty behaviour and I would respond with courtesy and completely ignore any nastiness on his part. After a couple of months it began to sink in his brain that he was the only one being ugly and he stopped. Once the dust settled he asked me what I wanted out of the divorce. My answer was " Whatever you feel would be fair to me." There was no legal battle. None. Papers were drawn up. He gave me a house, a truck, took full financial responsibilty for the kids, and alimony for 3 years ( which is the limit in Texas). He also took full responsibility for all of my bills for 3 years. What I knew about my ex that all my advice givers did not know was that if he was not in battle mode my ex would do the right thing. He was not a man to abandon his responsibilities toward his children and he would be fair regarding my welfare. I knew these things for sure about his character. Another thing I knew about him was that had I put that guy in battle mode he would have mopped the floor with me. So.. I didn't listen to everyone's advice and I'm in great shape now because I didn't.
So my advice is this...
Always take the unique aspects of your own situation in consideration BEFORE applying other peoples advice to your problems. IMO
 

Well, when you ask advice from strangers,expect their perception of what facts and info they allready know.

I'm glad that everything worked the best way for you and I'm just giving my opinion to what you wrote, but youu did raise 5 kids right?

I don't understand the 'he gave you'.

I would think that you were equal partner?



Again,I'm just giving my opinion of what you wrote and a little bit that I know about you.
 
That's good advice, BW. :playful:

I've never been one to ask for advice (except from professionals, of course), for the very reason you point out; anyone you ask has only one side of the story.
 

You're a wise lady Sharon! Only you knew your husband and the whole situation. Kudos for thinking of your children and the negative effect of a war between you and your ex, too many times the kids suffer the most in divorces. So many times the claws come out and the wife goes for the throat in wanting to take the husband to the cleaners, you're very mature for evaluating everything with a level head and taking all advice with a grain of salt. I sometimes ask for advice too, but don't always take it, personal decisions shouldn't be made completely by those not involved, that's for sure!
 
Sharon was patient,that is for sure,and yes,kudos to her.But would it be wrong to demand what she deserves rather than leaving it in his hands to 'give her' what HE thinks she deserves?That's just whacked. As many problems I might have ,I would never allow ,especially my daughter,to think that I deserve anything less than half and that she should be strong and have self esteem to demand the same.You don't need to get nasty to do that.We need to raise women up to show them how strong they are.
 
Usually divorces are handled by legal professionals who distribute the assets hopefully as fairly as possible between the parties. As I don't have enough information (maybe more details were mentioned in previous posts) to go on, but its not surprising that the husband would be angry if he considers himself the injured party. Not being a lawyer, I only know that these days women who carried the role of mother and housekeeper while the husband worked usually deserve half the assets.

While I'm glad that things worked out in your favor BW, I'm also baffled as to why you had to wait for your husband to cool his rage and then decide to give you what you were legally entitled to. But there must be more to this than meets the eye, back story we haven't been given.
 
vickyNightowl said:
Well, when you ask advice from strangers,expect their perception of what facts and info they allready know.

I'm glad that everything worked the best way for you and I'm just giving my opinion to what you wrote, but youu did raise 5 kids right?

I don't understand the 'he gave you'.

I would think that you were equal partner?



Again,I'm just giving my opinion of what you wrote and a little bit that I know about you.
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Really he worked like a DOG to start up that business & after he started it. Too many times he came home exhausted with cracked bloody hands & fell asleep holding his unfinished dinner. I have always felt like that business was HIS baby. I had nothing to do with the building of that business or the maintaining of it. To be completely honest I almost just drove off in my truck with nothing but a couple of outfits of clothes and toothpaste in a bag. my son took away my truck keys and told me he wasn't going to let me do that . I really could have cared less at that time about STUFF. I really definitely would not tell other women ' Do as I did'. My situation is my own situation & definitely not a 'one size fits all'. I will tell you what he did AFTER my divorce..We divorced about 10 years ago.
He paid off my house and land totally. I do not owe a mortgage. He has paid my land taxes the last 10 years. He has given me enough monthly money to pay my bills and live on the last 10 years. He's given me 3 different cars. He's paid cash for my surgery when I didn't have insurance. Now that the house in town I was living in burned down he has spent over 50 thousand dollars of his own money fixing this place up for me because it dilapidated while I wasn't living here. He paid for our kids college. I really do not know another divorced woman whose ex husband has done all of these things AFTER the divorce. I'm also in his will. He's done a lot more than I listed. So, he has continued to share his wealth with me even though I am no longer caring for his children or doing a darn thing for him. His new wife told my daughter that he told her before he married her that he would continue to pay my bills until he was dead or I was dead & that if she did not like that she should marry someone else. So, I think I've already received more than half of what we had at the time of the divorce and continue to do so just because he's generous. He doesn't have to. Keep in mind that I'm only able to bring in around minimum wage myself.
 
vickyNightowl said:
Sharon was patient,that is for sure,and yes,kudos to her.But would it be wrong to demand what she deserves rather than leaving it in his hands to 'give her' what HE thinks she deserves?That's just whacked. As many problems I might have ,I would never allow ,especially my daughter,to think that I deserve anything less than half and that she should be strong and have self esteem to demand the same.You don't need to get nasty to do that.We need to raise women up to show them how strong they are.
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Well we show our children who we are in many different ways. I can GUARANTEE you I raised up some very strong girls ;)
 
Cookie said:
Usually divorces are handled by legal professionals who distribute the assets hopefully as fairly as possible between the parties. As I don't have enough information (maybe more details were mentioned in previous posts) to go on, but its not surprising that the husband would be angry if he considers himself the injured party. Not being a lawyer, I only know that these days women who carried the role of mother and housekeeper while the husband worked usually deserve half the assets.

While I'm glad that things worked out in your favor BW, I'm also baffled as to why you had to wait for your husband to cool his rage and then decide to give you what you were legally entitled to. But there must be more to this than meets the eye, back story we haven't been given.
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Well for one thing. I am a minimum wage earner. He could have taken me to court and proven I could not support the kids & that he could & filed for custody. He is far from stupid he immediately 'sold' his business to his brothers and put it in their names for a teeny weeny amount of money. He would have been able to get the best lawyers & I would have gotten whatever lawyer wanted what was left of my minimum wage. There are a million ways he could have made my life miserable.
There really was no 1 injured party. Neither of us cheated or had affairs or anything. Both of us were hurting because divorce hurts.
 
BlunderWoman said:
Well we show our children who we are in many different ways. I can GUARANTEE you I raised up some very strong girls ;)
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I believe you about raising strong girls Sharon. They won't have the victim mentality of so many so called "feminists", and they won't be intimidated by men like so many women these days are.

If they are as fair and level headed as their Mom, they're doing just fine for themselves. I admire you for not setting out to take all the 'stuff' you could like so many greedy women, not caring if they really have earned half of all the possessions during a divorce or not.

I think you were very smart and did well after your divorce without alienating your husband and causing any needless upset to your children. Now that to me is the sign of a strong woman!
 
SeaBreeze said:
I believe you about raising strong girls Sharon. They won't have the victim mentality of so many so called "feminists", and they won't be intimidated by men like so many women these days are.

If they are as fair and level headed as their Mom, they're doing just fine for themselves. I admire you for not setting out to take all the 'stuff' you could like so many greedy women, not caring if they really have earned half of all the possessions during a divorce or not.

I think you were very smart and did well after your divorce without alienating your husband and causing any needless upset to your children. Now that to me is the sign of a strong woman!
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Thank you for the kind words. I was smiling as I read some of these because it made me remember something my ex once told my son after a huge fight we had during the last month of our marriage. My son told me he said " OMG!! Who can argue with your mother?!! She's like a damn MAN. Holy shit she's fearless!" LOL
I will say here that I didn't feel like an equal with him when it came to business matters because I WASN'T his equal. Not because I'm a woman, but because I personally just suck at that stuff. I'm artistic. I paint. I write poetry. I use that part of my brain. I'm a complete moron when it comes to business matters & that is where he excels. My feelings of inadequacy about my business ability really has nothing to do with my being female..I'm just not good at it. My sisters on the other hand..very good at it.
 
Sharon,

Since you and I have spoken more private,I also know that you have strong children.

Your wording of him giving you what he thinks you deserve just didn't click with me.that's all.I'm glad you got everything he thinks you deserve,I think its the metality that because he made the business and you didn't that bothered me not because for you personally but for women who struggled to make society understand that being a stay at home parent is the hardest job of all and especially for 5 kids.I think I have allready told you that.
I think you deserve praise for raising your kids and that was the point I was trying to make.that what I meant about equal.



Seabreeze,

I don't think you have any idea what a strong woman is.

A strong woman replies directly to someone when they don't agree with them.

Not insult one woman by saying 'victim mentality of a so called feminist' ,to praise another woman and doing it indirectly.
 
I am a feminist, I certainly do not have a victim mentality. I am a proud survivor. I know many men who are also proud survivors, some call themselves feminists. There are many different kinds of strength, few of them gender based. BlunderWoman, your brand of strength is flexible and creative. Open to change and growth, girl, you ain't finished yet!
 
vickyNightowl said:
Sharon,

Since you and I have spoken more private,I also know that you have strong children.

Your wording of him giving you what he thinks you deserve just didn't click with me.that's all.I'm glad you got everything he thinks you deserve,I think its the metality that because he made the business and you didn't that bothered me not because for you personally but for women who struggled to make society understand that being a stay at home parent is the hardest job of all and especially for 5 kids.I think I have allready told you that.
I think you deserve praise for raising your kids and that was the point I was trying to make.that what I meant about equal.
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oh ok. I never have thought my role was unimportant, though yes it is an undervalued role to many. Had it been another man whom I knew not to have any character or ethics..my behavior and actions would have been different. I've received everything I thought I deserved plus more beyond that. My marriage was personal to me and to him. If I say what I feel it's because I don't owe society any explanation for why I made my personal choices within my own personal relationship with my ex spouse. Yes, I left the sharing of what we owned up to him. I knew he would be fair and he has been more than fair. I've never really had this struggle to prove my role as a stay at home mom mattered in my marriage. I wasn't always stay at home. There were times I worked. I've worked & I've been a stay at home mom for 5 kids. I did not endure painful back breaking work 14 hours a day 7 days a week for 15 years of never once taking a day off. He did. His job was harder than mine.
I'm not a spokesperson representing females all over America. I'm one woman who was in one relationship where being the stay at home parent was much easier than what my spouse was doing. To claim half of what he worked for in my eyes would not be fair. And basically...I just didn't care. I'm a pretty simple person really.
 
Shalimar said:
I am a feminist, I certainly do not have a victim mentality. I am a proud survivor. I know many men who are also proud survivors, some call themselves feminists. There are many different kinds of strength, few of them gender based. BlunderWoman, your brand of strength is flexible and creative. Open to change and growth, girl, you ain't finished yet!
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oh I wanna be finished. Where is my diploma? :p
 
vickyNightowl said:
Seabreeze,
I don't think you have any idea what a strong woman is.
A strong woman replies directly to someone when they don't agree with them.
Not insult one woman by saying 'victim mentality of a so called feminist' ,to praise another woman and doing it indirectly.
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I agreed with and supported Sharon in my first reply to her, when she received such criticism about her personal choices and the effect it may have on her raising 'strong' girls, I replied to her with continued reassurance and support, and yes, some praise for being strong and smart for not going the typical 'feminist' route, which you encouraged.

The thread is about her, not you, and I will keep that in mind. I was supporting her regarding the criticism she was receiving, but I'm not surprised that you are getting so defensive, most 'feminists' are from what I've seen over the years, not surprised many of them are so sensitive either.

I know what a strong woman is, I am one. I worked a physically (and mentally) challenging blue collar job for over thirty years, in a male-dominated workplace. I received equal pay for equal work, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way just because I was a woman.

If I couldn't do the work, I would not think it was fair to get the same pay as the men, and I would have looked for an easier job that paid less. That's just one example of my being a strong woman, and I still believe that Sharon is one too, as her not demanding half of everything proves she is.

You and I disagree about the definition of a strong woman, and that's fine. I also saw from observations over the years that most 'feminists' are set in their thinking for various reasons, and that's their choice, I can respect that. I don't think women should be second class citizens, I think they should have equal rights and equal pay for the same positions, etc.


BlunderWoman said:
My marriage was personal to me and to him. If I say what I feel it's because I don't owe society any explanation for why I made my personal choices within my own personal relationship with my ex spouse. Yes, I left the sharing of what we owned up to him. I knew he would be fair and he has been more than fair.

I'm not a spokesperson representing females all over America. I'm one woman who was in one relationship where being the stay at home parent was much easier than what my spouse was doing. To claim half of what he worked for in my eyes would not be fair.
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Well said Sharon, you don't owe society any explanations for what you decide is fair in your personal life. Like me, you are strong and don't need to be a spokesperson representing females all over America, and I respect and admire you for that. Nice to see there are some fair men and women left in this world. :)
 

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