When Husband Refuses to Downsize

Kayelle said:
Awww, shoot! This is such a huge state and you must be way up north. Just the same, my younger son and his little family moved 500 miles away up to Reno, at the start of the pandemic, and I was a real mess. I miss him like crazy, but he can come home to visit us...not the other way around. At our age, that's agreed without question.
At any rate, I wish you good luck with an unreasonable partner.
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Thank you, Kayelle.
 

Kayelle said:
Indeed it is Star Song...you could come and visit and I'll take you to my private beach spot!! :cool:
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I will surely take you up on that when this is over. If our children and grands didn't live on the West Side, the SFV and Simi, we'd have moved to the Port Hueneme or Ventura area upon retirement. Indeed, we came very close to doing so.

The deciding factor was the level of care and overseeing that DH and I gave our parents during the last five years of their lives. If either or both of us need our children's help we want to be geographically convenient to them.
 
I used to work with someone who became my manager. She called people stupid one time too many and I told her to stop doing that (yes, she was my manager at the time). I told her everyone is not "stupid". The fact is, although she was a college grad and rose to management, she didn't have a drop of common sense or what we call street smarts either. She proved that many times much to our annoyance.
 

I just arrived at this topic (a day late and a dollar short?) For whatever it's worth, several friends of mine have been through a similar situation. It's always the husband who flatly refuses to move; men seem to get firmly fixed in a house that they love, as if they were attached with cement. Some men do, anyway. (Fortunately, my husband was more flexible and we downsized twice.)

In the case of two couples I'm thinking of, it looked like they were never going to move. Finally the wife, or maybe just common sense, prevailed. Both husbands finally gave in, and as could be predicted, they absolutely loved their new homes. Don't give up.
 
Sunny said:
I just arrived at this topic (a day late and a dollar short?) For whatever it's worth, several friends of mine have been through a similar situation. It's always the husband who flatly refuses to move; men seem to get firmly fixed in a house that they love, as if they were attached with cement. Some men do, anyway. (Fortunately, my husband was more flexible and we downsized twice.)

In the case of two couples I'm thinking of, it looked like they were never going to move. Finally the wife, or maybe just common sense, prevailed. Both husbands finally gave in, and as could be predicted, they absolutely loved their new homes. Don't give up.
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Thank you; I'm trying hard not to give up but every time he talks to another man "who let that wife of his talk him into moving & wishes he hadn't", he becomes even more set on staying here. I think maybe why he & I both only seem to know men who did finally agree to downsize for their wives & still wish they hadn't is because any kind of place around here that would be nice to move into is so expensive so most can't afford anything that nice. It always was kind of expensive here--espec. nice seniors' places--and then when the Paradise, CA Camp Fire happened in 2018, 27,000 people there (including 6 of my family) lost their homes & a lot had to find something here (30 min. away from Paradise). So that drove prices up & they've stayed up.

But it's hard; only thing that keeps me going is knowing I'm a member of a large club. thanks for letting me rant. :cool:
 
Do you both compromise on other decisions? If so and conditions change for health or something else, perhaps decisions will have to happen. Discuss the possibilities. Although he may not be ready to move, perhaps you both could start downsizing possessions in the event that life changes radically. Both of you need to be prepared.
 
officerripley said:
Hi, sorry I haven't responded; for some reason even though I've got it set for SF to email when there are new replies to my watched topics, that's not happening, sigh. Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions (I'm def. going to try the chamomile but not lavender which I'm allergic to); Hubby has already told me that he plans to drive until he drops dead and if that's when he's behind the wheel, he says too bad, that won't be his problem. So I guess it doesn't matter that I can't get him to move somewhere within walking distance of stores, etc. because he only likes to walk for recreation, not for something important like going to the store because it reminds him of his younger, poor years when he *had* to walk everywhere.

(You know, don't ever let anybody tell ya that being poor is actually a good thing because it "builds character." No, it doesn't most of the time; all the people I've known who grew up poor turned into driven, scared-to-death of ever "doing without" again, workaholics or into people who have given up & refuse to save, strive, try for anything, etc. All of 'em.)
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I agree to a certain degree. Growing up without - you learn to survive without a lot of material things. People that grew up with $$$$ or worked hard and saved, if they happen to loose their savings due to stock market crash, etc. would be lost..don't know which way to turn. I did not grow up with a Silver spoon but I am doing pretty good. I am a survival partly due to knowing how it feels to go without in my younger years. I did not realize we were poor until I grew up and Society told me we were. Looking back, I applaud my mom (may she RIP). She was a single parent and raised 6 kids in a 1 bedroom - 1 bath house. I learned survival skills at an early age. I agree being poor is not a good thing, nor is it a bad thing..depends on your perception and circumstance.
 
StarSong said:
Wow! I wouldn't remain married or in the same house as someone with a high level of rage, or around whom I had to be "very, very careful." That's no way to live.
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Oh, really? So you are all saying, those that agree with @StarSong that if anyone in your family had an illness, that made them have a degree of rage, you would bail?

That would include various mental illnesses that effect adults, older adults, and children. Anyone who was autistic, and/or mentally retarded. The brain injured combat veterans; plus the range of brain injured infants who grow into adults-cerebral palsey and similar disorders.

The many brain injured from accidents and the like.

The list goes on and on. Look around your neighborhoods, you wonder where all those homeless people come from? They are dumped by their families-from children to older adults. They are dumped by a system of governmental neglect. Or they leave because they are convinced they will be better off somewhere else, by someone else. They aren’t. The street is no place to live.

Sorry, off topic, no replies necessary.
 
I said nothing about bailing on children who are autistic, mentally retarded or have cerebral palsy. Since you brought it up though, if in that situation and my child was unable to thrive under the care I was able to provide, I would be willing to explore other options that provided everyone greater peace, support, and joy.

A friend has a severely autistic son. He (and the rest of the family) were miserable when he lived with them. He's in a group home a couple of miles away and my friend sees him several times a week. He and the rest of the family are much calmer and happier. The decision to move him to a group home was wrenching, but turned out to be the best solution for all involved.

I wouldn't live in the same home with someone I feared because of a "high degree" of rage. Neither would I remain in a marriage where my safety or sanity was dependent on my remaining in the constant state of being "very, very careful."

Aneeda72 said:
😂 kind of, he had testing, of course, at a medical center which showed his level of rage and other things was high which I already knew. The doctor who tested him recommend therapy, medication, and that I be very very careful. I am always very very careful around him-a lesson learned years ago.
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StarSong said:
I said nothing about bailing on children who are autistic, mentally retarded or have cerebral palsy. Since you brought it up though, if in that situation and my child was unable to thrive under the care I was able to provide, I would be willing to explore other options that provided everyone greater peace, support, and joy.

A friend has a severely autistic son. He (and the rest of the family) were miserable when he lived with them. He's in a group home a couple of miles away and my friend sees him several times a week. He and the rest of the family are much calmer and happier. The decision to move him to a group home was wrenching, but turned out to be the best solution for all involved.

I wouldn't live in the same home with someone I feared because of a "high degree" of rage. Neither would I remain in a marriage where my safety or sanity was dependent on my remaining in the constant state of being "very, very careful."
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Children grow up to be adults. Yes, when a child does not fit into the families situation or makes them miserable they give them up or put them in group homes. That’s why I have two adopted disabled children. I fought my son with DS leaving, but as everyone else had left he wanted his “own” life as well. 😂

Where another family, in my town, took their infant, with DS, and threw him in the trash. A neighbor, putting her trash out, thought someone had thrown away a kitten.

I never said I was scared of my husband. I am not in a “constant state of being very very careful”. Please don’t put words in my mouth. Like anyone, with issues, there are great days, good days, and bad days.

In any event, I am sure your friend is happier with their child elsewhere. I am sure you, and others, would leave whatever situation you decided did not fit your needs. I am just as sure many others would stay. We all do what we need to do. Sorry, post of off thread-again.
 
Please don't judge my friends. Theirs was a wrenching decision, as I said, and their son thrived as a result of the move. Not every solution works for every family. They tried numerous other avenues before he went to that group home on a trial basis.

It is reprehensible to imagine someone literally throwing out a child for any reason at all.

There's no point in debating what I might do in hypothetical situations with hypothetical children. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes, nor have I done the same in yours.
If I misinterpreted your words or intent, I apologize.
I sincerely hope your life is peaceful and joyful.
 
StarSong said:
Please don't judge my friends. Theirs was a wrenching decision, as I said, and their son thrived as a result of the move. Not every solution works for every family. They tried numerous other avenues before he went to that group home on a trial basis.

It is reprehensible to imagine someone literally throwing out a child for any reason at all.

There's no point in debating what I might do in hypothetical situations with hypothetical children. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes, nor have I done the same in yours.
If I misinterpreted your words or intent, I apologize.
I sincerely hope your life is peaceful and joyful.
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I wasn’t judging I was agreeing with you. When my total care son decided he wanted to move, it was great. Changing his diaper, feeding him, getting him dressed, like a newborn only 22 years old and almost 6 feet tall, I did not object.
 
Aneeda72 said:
I wasn’t judging I was agreeing with you. When my total care son decided he wanted to move, it was great. Changing his diaper, feeding him, getting him dressed, like a newborn only 22 years old and almost 6 feet tall, I did not object.
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Many times posts are misinterpreted because of the lack of tone, body language, facial expressions and other bits of communication are missing.

Again, i offer sincere apologies if I misunderstood your communication.
 
StarSong said:
Many times posts are misinterpreted because of the lack of tone, body language, facial expressions and other bits of communication are missing.

Again, i offer sincere apologies if I misunderstood your communication.
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It’s all good 😍
 


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