When Husband Refuses to Downsize

GeorgiaXplant

Well-known Member
Location
Georgia
Geez. This is a thorny one! I wonder what would happen if you announce that you are moving to "town," and that he's welcome to move with you or not...up to him. If he says he's staying, fine. Rather than divorce, file for separate maintenance, find yourself a suitable apartment/condo to rent or buy and move. It could very well be that he finds living alone in a too-big house is not to his liking. It might happen that after visiting you a time or two or 10, he develops a liking for city living. You know, no maintenance, walk to restaurants/museums/theatres if they ever open again!

I'm not suggesting that you roll out such a plan before he buries his brother, just something to mull over for now.
 

StarSong

Well-known Member
I know, right? But unfortunately, I and other blue collar gals I know have run into this a lot. (From what I hear, it doesn't seem to happen as much to blue-collar guys but I could be wrong; chime in here, guys, if it's happened to you.) There was a lot of education snobbery at the Univ. where I worked. One of the professors told me in dead seriousness, "If you wanted to be treated decently in this life, you should've gotten a college degree."
Wait. You worked at a university? Well there you go. Of course your education level would come up in conversation. Of course some would look down their snoots at your HS education.

Higher education is the entire focus, the very reason universities exist. It stands to reason that professors and staff would (over) emphasize the importance of advanced degrees. It's typically their employment, their calling, and the source of their social connections.

Outside of the world of academia, the focus on other people's education levels is minimal. College stops coming up in conversation after people's lives focus on other things.
 

Devi

Member
Location
USA
Hm. I think I'd flip out if my husband spent his days away with his friends while not caring how I feel. What kind of relationship is that?

I think I'd start spending money on cabs to-and-from. See how he likes that.

Lastly, not all marriages are made in heaven, or are worth preserving.
 

officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
In my whole life, nobody but prospective employers have ever asked me what my education level is. It certainly doesn't come up in polite conversation around here unless people are talking about their old alma mater and football or something.

Why is your education level any of anybody else's business? Why do you tell them?
I tell them I have a high school diploma and watch their faces kind of shut down. (I notice that nobody who has only a hs dipl ever asks me; it's always some1 with a degree...funny that. ;)
 

officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
Would it do any good to have someone give estimates for making adjustments to your home for senior years, i.e. a stair chairlift, walk in shower, wider doorways, grab bars everywhere?
Maybe the cost would be a motivator?
That's a good idea; we have no stairs or even steps; the shower is already walk in, but the costs for wider doorways & grab bars might motivate. Though, how he always wins these arguments is, he keeps telling me "Look, you won't have to put up with this place & me much longer; I'm on borrowed time so prob. won't be around much longer & then you can do what you want, etc. etc." (And it's true, as far back as they know on both sides of his family, the oldest anybody ever lived to be was 74 & that was considered ancient. Heavy drinkers on 1 side of the fam and heavy smokers & distrusters of doctors on both sides; so if you made it to your 70s, that was really something.)
 

officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
Wait. You worked at a university? Well there you go. Of course your education level would come up in conversation. Of course some would look down their snoots at your HS education.

Higher education is the entire focus, the very reason universities exist. It stands to reason that professors and staff would (over) emphasize the importance of advanced degrees. It's typically their employment, their calling, and the source of their social connections.

Outside of the world of academia, the focus on other people's education levels is minimal. College stops coming up in conversation after people's lives focus on other things.
Gonna have to disagree with you on your last paragraph; I and others I've talked to have encountered it a lot of other places. For instance, Hubby worked for the city we live in and 1 year the brochure that came around from management announcing the Christmas party literally said (to the best of my recoll.), "It's time for our annual Christmas party for all our valued" [yeah, right] "employees: white collar," [this was understood to be all male employees who worked in 1 of the offices] "pink collar," [understood to be all female office employees] "blue collar," [understood to be any employee who was neither management nor office worker] "and ring-around-the-collar." [Everybody knew that this referred to the hourly, non-benefit-earning employees who of course never worked in management or the office.] "Ring-around-the-collar;" and management says they don't understand why some employees are disgruntled. Uh huh.
 

StarSong

Well-known Member
Gonna have to disagree with you on your last paragraph; I and others I've talked to have encountered it a lot of other places. For instance, Hubby worked for the city we live in and 1 year the brochure that came around from management announcing the Christmas party literally said (to the best of my recoll.), "It's time for our annual Christmas party for all our valued" [yeah, right] "employees: white collar," [this was understood to be all male employees who worked in 1 of the offices] "pink collar," [understood to be all female office employees] "blue collar," [understood to be any employee who was neither management nor office worker] "and ring-around-the-collar." [Everybody knew that this referred to the hourly, non-benefit-earning employees who of course never worked in management or the office.] "Ring-around-the-collar;" and management says they don't understand why some employees are disgruntled. Uh huh.
No idea where you live, but I'd have been outta that city and outta that job.
 

ClassicRockr

Well-known Member
I always hate hearing about a marriage like you are having. Fortunately, my wife and I truly agree on almost everything. Been married for almost 20 years, in March 2021. She is/was a "saver", but we both decided to start downsizing in 2005 doing community garage sales and just giving away some things to family for Christmas. She had a whole lot more stuff than I ever had. Then, while she was at work, I'd take some things to the Goodwill or Salvation Army. She told me "if you come across things you are sure we don't need, just take them. I don't want to know about it". So, I done exactly that.

We do darn near everything together. To a point, we are very much "connected at the hips" and that's the way we like our marriage to be. Heck, I even turned her into a major rodeo fan, because I was once involved in it.

We've both been married twice before, but I was divorced for 22 1/2 years. I hated being single. Have always been the "marriage" type and so was she.

The situation between you and your husband really needs to be looked at. It's very obvious that you aren't happy, but only you can correct that.
 

Aneeda72

Well-known Member
Hi, sorry I haven't responded; for some reason even though I've got it set for SF to email when there are new replies to my watched topics, that's not happening, sigh. Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions (I'm def. going to try the chamomile but not lavender which I'm allergic to); Hubby has already told me that he plans to drive until he drops dead and if that's when he's behind the wheel, he says too bad, that won't be his problem. So I guess it doesn't matter that I can't get him to move somewhere within walking distance of stores, etc. because he only likes to walk for recreation, not for something important like going to the store because it reminds him of his younger, poor years when he *had* to walk everywhere.

(You know, don't ever let anybody tell ya that being poor is actually a good thing because it "builds character." No, it doesn't most of the time; all the people I've known who grew up poor turned into driven, scared-to-death of ever "doing without" again, workaholics or into people who have given up & refuse to save, strive, try for anything, etc. All of 'em.)
Well, 😂, you don’t know enough people, IMO. I’ve been very poor and yet I managed not to be a workaholic. I LOVE to garden and don’t mind pulling weeds, from my flower gardens, in the early morning hours.

I have an extremely difficult husband and testing has shown that he is a jerk. I wish he would go golf and be gone for hours, days, and weeks. No such luck. With the virus, we are now together 24/7, oh goody-49 years of marriage. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I love him, and I’d love him more if he was gone somewhere, anywhere.

I am almost through the whole thread, and I’ve read about what you don’t like, but what do you want besides a smaller place? I wanted to live in an apartment, we did for a few months, then he bought a house again. Ugh. Oh, well, back to pulling weeds.
 
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OneEyedDiva

Well-known Member
Location
Nrw Jersey
Yeah

Yeah, you're right Lewkat; this "prequel" grieving over his brother is hellish. (Hubby's 73.)
Oh Officer...I didn't know your brother in law died! Condolences to the family. And who tried to put you down because you didn't graduate from college. Point me to him/her...I'll beat 'em up! Officer you are a kind, generous, caring person who deserves the very best. Hell with those who said "we only heard one side of the story". I trust your side of the story because we've been friends (albeit online) a very long time and I know your heart. You are right...there are many women in the same (or very similar predicament). It's no walk in the park, so I hope things get resolved for you very soon.
 
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officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
Oh Officer...I didn't know your brother in law died! Condolences to the family. And who tried to put you down because you didn't graduate from college. Point me to him/her...I'll beat 'em up! Officer you are a kind, generous, caring person who deserves the very best. Hell with those who said "we only heard one side of the story". I trust your side of the story because we've been friends (albeit online) a very long time and I know your heart. You are right...there are many women in the same (or very similar predicament). It's no walk in the park, so I hope things get resolved for you very soon.
Oh, I'm sorry, Diva, I didn't express myself clearly (again, sigh): BIL is still alive & hanging in there as best he can but he actually feels worse emotionally than physically; as you can imagine, all of his doctors are telling him his time is limited; he told me he feels sorta like he's on death row in a way, poor guy.

To Aneeda: what I would love is a nice little condo or maybe mobile home park that had a recreation room where there were some activities that I could participate in or somewhere that neighbors were closer & you could at least chat once in a while instead of just watching them at a distance pulling in or out of their driveway. (Although I was told even back before the lockdown that places like that that had activities were getting to be rare; I guess even before the lockdown around here, recreation rooms in most of those places were sitting there dusty & unused.)

And sometimes I wonder if it's this neighborhood or whole area: shortly after we moved here, I was out in the front yard & a lady who lived a street over pulled her car over & handed me a flyer. She & her husb. were planning to have a yard sale in a coupla months & if any1 else in the neighborhood wanted to also, she'd gladly pay for the ad & list it as a neighborhood sale. Also she had on the flyer that if there was enough interest, they'd be glad to host a bbq in their driveway after the sale. I told her we didn't have anything to sell but would be interested in the bbq; I thought how fun, get to meet the neighbors; be sure & let me know what I can bring, we have an extra grill, etc.

Welp, some weeks later when I was pulling into the neighborhood, I saw her out in her front yard & I pulled over to ask her what the response was. She said "Would you believe that you are the only one who has expressed any interest? In fact, I tried going to every house in this neighborbood [2 long streets of houses] and if I could tell someone was home I went up & rang their doorbell because you're not supposed to put stuff in people's mailboxes. Well, nobody would even answer their door! I guess they thought I was trying to sell something but even after going ahead & putting the flyer in their boxes anyway, I never heard a thing back. So my husband and I are just going to do the yard sale & forget the bbq. Last time I'll try to ever arrange anything social around here." They since moved away, can't blame them, I guess.
 

Aneeda72

Well-known Member
Oh, I'm sorry, Diva, I didn't express myself clearly (again, sigh): BIL is still alive & hanging in there as best he can but he actually feels worse emotionally than physically; as you can imagine, all of his doctors are telling him his time is limited; he told me he feels sorta like he's on death row in a way, poor guy.

To Aneeda: what I would love is a nice little condo or maybe mobile home park that had a recreation room where there were some activities that I could participate in or somewhere that neighbors were closer & you could at least chat once in a while instead of just watching them at a distance pulling in or out of their driveway. (Although I was told even back before the lockdown that places like that that had activities were getting to be rare; I guess even before the lockdown around here, recreation rooms in most of those places were sitting there dusty & unused.)

And sometimes I wonder if it's this neighborhood or whole area: shortly after we moved here, I was out in the front yard & a lady who lived a street over pulled her car over & handed me a flyer. She & her husb. were planning to have a yard sale in a coupla months & if any1 else in the neighborhood wanted to also, she'd gladly pay for the ad & list it as a neighborhood sale. Also she had on the flyer that if there was enough interest, they'd be glad to host a bbq in their driveway after the sale. I told her we didn't have anything to sell but would be interested in the bbq; I thought how fun, get to meet the neighbors; be sure & let me know what I can bring, we have an extra grill, etc.

Welp, some weeks later when I was pulling into the neighborhood, I saw her out in her front yard & I pulled over to ask her what the response was. She said "Would you believe that you are the only one who has expressed any interest? In fact, I tried going to every house in this neighborbood [2 long streets of houses] and if I could tell someone was home I went up & rang their doorbell because you're not supposed to put stuff in people's mailboxes. Well, nobody would even answer their door! I guess they thought I was trying to sell something but even after going ahead & putting the flyer in their boxes anyway, I never heard a thing back. So my husband and I are just going to do the yard sale & forget the bbq. Last time I'll try to ever arrange anything social around here." They since moved away, can't blame them, I guess.
Yup, some neighborhoods are like that and I think this one is one. Although, we talk to some of the neighbors whether they like it or not, lol. From a distance, of course, due to the virus. One thing I like is it’s mostly older folks here, less children, yay.

We checked out mobile home parks. The rental on the slot is as much as a house payment and mobile homes go down in value, not up. While parks can raise the rent as much as they want. In addition, if the park sells their land to a developer, you must move your home or lose it.

Moving a mobile home is expensive and not always possible, so big risk. With a condo, you own only the air, with a townhouse you own the land, but if you don’t like the neighbors, in both, you are stuck. That’s why we rented an apartment, to see if he would tolerate it. He didn‘t. So now I’m stuck in another money pit of a house.

But it’s hard to make a connection in a multiple living situation. People are distrustful and afraid you will want something from them. Most people make friends at the workplace so if you don‘t work you are pretty much out of luck.

You sound like me, I want people around for casual conversation, but not for close relationships. People always take advantage of me as I am a “soft” touch. But there are no close relationships now due to the virus.

I would suggest if he ever agrees to move, you rent for a while and make sure it’s what you want.
 

Jules

Member
Location
N of 49
A townhouse on a golf course might appeal to him. You still want to be in easy distance of amenities.

Are you on a bus route so you can go shopping? When I couldn’t drive for a few months, I took the city bus so I wouldn’t be bothering my DH. He didn’t mind driving me, I just liked my freedom.
 

officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
A townhouse on a golf course might appeal to him. You still want to be in easy distance of amenities.

Are you on a bus route so you can go shopping? When I couldn’t drive for a few months, I took the city bus so I wouldn’t be bothering my DH. He didn’t mind driving me, I just liked my freedom.
There are no townhouses near our 1 golf course, only a mobile home park with no nearby amenities (and the mhp is not cheap but is totally depressing with no greenery, only decorative rocks in the yards because a buncha hard-core golfers live there & the only outdoors they care about is the golf course, I guess). And townhouses (or what they call townhouses around here anyway) are 2 story & we don't want any stairs or steps.

We're quite a ways from the nearest bus stop and I think a buncha the bus routes have been cancelled due to the Rona; almost everybody around here has been laid off, so hardly anybody needing a ride to work. I feel so sorry for all those who have been laid off. What times these are...
 

Bonnie

SF VIP
Location
Texas
I live in a senior apartment complex since I lost my husband ... What amazes me is the number of older couples living here.
I often look at them out and about, and wonder how did their wives ever get them to move into an apartment? :ROFLMAO:

It sure was nothing that my husband would have ever considered while he was alive.
 

officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
Someone was mentioning earlier about the mhp's and how they can be too expensive, space rents always going up which does happen. But in our area, the mhp with the most expensive space rent is only a little more than half the rent (about $800) for a studio apt in a less-than-ideal section of town; you get to a better section of town & studios are $900-$1,000; 1 bedrooms start at $1200. It's a university town (and a university with a higher-than-usual percentage of wealthy students), so the landlords around here have been getting away with the sky-high rent prices for years.
 
Officer, I just completed reading all four of these pages as I missed it when it started.

I have a clear picture now about your whole story so please allow me to give my custom advice. Wink. ;)

My fantastic husband (@bowmore) responded to you earlier about highly educated snobs, and what he thought of them. What he didn't mention is that he is highly educated with many degrees. I just had two years of college after graduating from a small private high school.

He is kind enough to remark often about how "street smart" I am, and my good common sense. He has always been modest about his superior education with everyone, certainly me. Neither one of us ever share our educational backgrounds. It's simply not the business of anyone, although we chose to tell you.

When we married 12 years ago, we both sold our big houses, and together we bought a perfect place of our own, with no attached memories of our deceased spouses. It was a beautiful brand new 1,400 sq ft manufactured home in a lovely over 55ys. Mobile Home park, complete with a beautiful swimming pool/spa, and a big lovely and active club house where there was always something going on, before Covid. Many of the older homes continue to be replaced by brand new beautiful and well built manufactured house..at a fraction of the cost of any other California home. The management insists that every house be landscaped and well cared for.

The neighbors are great, and there are 140 spaces in this over 55 community. We have a fabulous view of the mountain from our pretty front porch. If you have or want a little dog, you will enjoy walking with the tight knit doggie people, and they have a big fenced dog park where the dogs play and the "parents" chat in a group...social interactions with masks and friendly folk. What's not to love? We are in a small city of 30,000 with everything we need nearby.

We don't play golf, but there are 3 golf courses within a 15 mile drive.

Our space rent is under $1,000 per month, and includes water, power, gas, sewage and trash fees. We are protected by rent control preventing any unfair rent hike. How's that sound for affordable California living? I've been in this county my entire life, and I'd never choose to live anywhere else.
This place is the best kept secret around, and is 70 miles from the LAX airport when we can finally travel again..I can hardly wait!
By the way, where in California do you live? We are in Ventura County, Santa Barbara is the next city north of us.

Anyway, please email one of us if you want our exact location. You deserve to be happy.
 
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oldman

Well-known Member
Location
PA
Calvin Coolidge quote:
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
My wife is a retired Professor at a major university here in the east. From time to time, we have to share time with some of her colleagues. All of these people are super brainiacs while I only have a single degree in Engineering.

On one such evening about seven or eight years ago, they started discussing molecular something or other. This went on for almost two hours. I was so bored that if I could have got my hands on my gun, I may have ended my misery.

After we got home, my wife asked me if I enjoyed the evening as much as she did. I don’t often lie, but that night I did.
 

officerripley

New Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
Original Poster
My wife is a retired Professor at a major university here in the east. From time to time, we have to share time with some of her colleagues. All of these people are super brainiacs while I only have a single degree in Engineering.

On one such evening about seven or eight years ago, they started discussing molecular something or other. This went on for almost two hours. I was so bored that if I could have got my hands on my gun, I may have ended my misery.

After we got home, my wife asked me if I enjoyed the evening as much as she did. I don’t often lie, but that night I did.
But a degree in Engineering does too mean you're a brainiac! I read somewhere that not only did Engineering build both the ancient and modern wonders of the world but that it was engineers rather than doctors who helped advance human hygiene and health. Seems like engineers (of all kinds) can do anything!
 


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