When Husband Refuses to Downsize

officerripley said:
Anybody know of any natural calming supplements? We were gonna try KavaKava but heard it causes liver damage.
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5 htp
Magnesium Biglycinate
Ashwagandha & Bacopa
Camomile & Lavender
Valerian ( very bitter ) & lemon balm
Fish oil & Bacopa
Passionflower & St. John’s wort

Note: Before taking supplements, check with your doctor first to make sure there are no drug interactions. St. John’s wort is known to interact with many other drugs.

These are the most effective supplements and combinations for soothing, calming and sleep
 

officerripley said:
We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."

Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)

I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)

I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)

So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.

--
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Have you thought about getting a pet? Are their things you enjoy doing at home? Do you have friends that you can call or can come over for a visit? That is a tough situation to be in. I am glad being online does help you a bit. Your husband will more than likely drive until he is not able to drive anymore. I pray he can compromise to suit you both.
 
Keesha said:
5 htp
Magnesium Biglycinate
Ashwagandha & Bacopa
Camomile & Lavender
Valerian ( very bitter ) & lemon balm
Fish oil & Bacopa
Passionflower & St. John’s wort

Note: Before taking supplements, check with your doctor first to make sure there are no drug interactions. St. John’s wort is known to interact with many other drugs.

These are the most effective supplements and combinations for soothing, calming and sleep
Click to expand...
Chamomile and Lavender tea is EVERYTHING!!!! It is so relaxing. I drink it most nights before bed.
 
She has two options......Stay and make changes to adjust or put a plan in action and leave. Whatever she decides to do, I pray for the best. But I highly doubt if she leaves.. I am pro marriage and as we know, marriage is about compromising. As one of the other post stated, she is not getting any younger and we do not know the entire story.
 
Ladybj said:
Have you thought about getting a pet? Are their things you enjoy doing at home? Do you have friends that you can call or can come over for a visit? That is a tough situation to be in. I am glad being online does help you a bit. Your husband will more than likely drive until he is not able to drive anymore. I pray he can compromise to suit you both.
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Hi, sorry I haven't responded; for some reason even though I've got it set for SF to email when there are new replies to my watched topics, that's not happening, sigh. Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions (I'm def. going to try the chamomile but not lavender which I'm allergic to); Hubby has already told me that he plans to drive until he drops dead and if that's when he's behind the wheel, he says too bad, that won't be his problem. So I guess it doesn't matter that I can't get him to move somewhere within walking distance of stores, etc. because he only likes to walk for recreation, not for something important like going to the store because it reminds him of his younger, poor years when he *had* to walk everywhere.

(You know, don't ever let anybody tell ya that being poor is actually a good thing because it "builds character." No, it doesn't most of the time; all the people I've known who grew up poor turned into driven, scared-to-death of ever "doing without" again, workaholics or into people who have given up & refuse to save, strive, try for anything, etc. All of 'em.)
 
Right now, officerripley, I'd leave it alone since he's under so much stress over his brother. Just leave brochures and pictures in strategic spots, perhaps he'll begin to take serious notice. You never mentioned his age.
 
officerripley said:
Yeah

Yeah, you're right Lewkat; this "prequel" grieving over his brother is hellish. (Hubby's 73.)
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Try not to argue for what you'd like to do, but devise positive ways to get him interested. Do you have friends who've done this and are happy they did? Get him to look at their lifestyle and get him talking to them in a round about way. We have to be so devious with guys, it's trying.
 
Well, he or I have only known 1 couple who have done this and, as I think I mentioned above, the husb. of that couple has been griping about it ever since ("Whatever you do, don't let your wife talk you into it; I hate the condo we moved into") and all the other couples we know, all of the women are either of the "woman-submit-thyself-to-thine-husband-no-matter-what-he-wants" type or else the type that want to stay in the great big house forever as much as the husband does. And most of those are even older than we are, so I can forsee fender-benders (or strokes or whatever) in the near future taking away somebody's driver's license and what they'll do then is going be a problem.

But who knows, maybe witnessing that driver's license removal will be enough to finally get my Hubby to move. (I just hope it's not us that it happens to!) 😕
 
DH and I sold our 4 bedroom house and downsized to a 2 bedroom apartment. Then we moved to Kentucky and downsized again. He died. I downsized again when I moved here and this granny flat was built. There's nothing much left to downsize. Sometimes (rarely) I wish I had more space. I have never missed anything that got sold or given away. Nope. Never.

About a month ago I gave my car away because I had a brain fart :oops: that scared me half to death. I got lost. In my own familiar stomping grounds and only about two miles from home. I decided right then and there that I don't want to be that old lady, the one who accidentally steps on the gas instead of the brake, the one who goes to the store for a loaf a bread and turns up in Podunk Junction a week later, not even knowing my own name. Nobody will have to take away my driver's license. I still have it, but don't drive. If I absolutely had to drive DD's car in an emergency, I would (license doesn't expire until 2026). I was going to exchange it for an ID, but the state wants a king's ransom to do that. Pffft.

Having said all that, I can understand why there are people who don't want to downsize. Change is hard, and the older we get, the harder it is to change. And it can be scary. Remember the old saying about the devil you know being better than the devil you don't! The best description I can manage is that the feeling is almost like reducing your entire life to the lowest common denominator...a fraction of what it was. At first I felt a little like that, but the more I got rid of, the better I felt. Unfettered! I have memories. Those stay.
 
Welcome, I didn't see this thread come up the first time so didn't say hello or respond.

Is the place you live somehow connected with the golf course your husband is using?

One thing you might be able to do to get your husband to be more open to moving is to start talking to him about what you think he enjoys about your house and then ask him if there's anything you missed. I think it shows that you do pay attention to him and understand some of the things he enjoys about your current house. But it also opens the door for him to share things that he likes that you haven't notices. After that line of conversation finishes you can ask him if there are any other things he'd want in the place he lives that would make it even better than it is already.

Armed with that information you might be able to see if there are any places nearby or closer to town that have most or all of the things he loves and possibly one or more of the things he'd love to have. That would certainly give you something to do and also possibly move you closer to getting to another situation.

If that isn't possible or if it sounds like something you wouldn't want to do you might consider organizing some sort of group or activity that appeals to you that would attract others because you have taken care of some of the obstacles preventing it from happening already.

Another thing you might consider doing is taking up some sort of meditation or relaxation practice to get yourself into a better mental state which might also help you be able to move forward in whatever path shows itself to be the correct one for you to follow.

I wish you the best and I hope that you're able to find a solution that works well for you.
 
If you are in CA, I have just the place for you! A +55 Mobile Home Park in Ventura County. PM me if you are interested. I just live here and have no other interest.
We downsized from two 1800 sq ft homes into our 1400 sq ft home.
 
Oh, I forgot. I meant to comment on your lack of a college degree. Please don't define yourself that way. My wife is one of the most accomplished people I've ever met. She's been a bank manager, a customer support manager, a marketing director, a non-profit director and an accomplished artist. Her work (even though it isn't attributed to her) has been in galleries in London, Venice and China, was featured at the World Economic Forum and as part of the Venice Binalle and hangs in one of the homes of a Google founder.

I'm so glad I got to know her before even finding out what her educational background was because I was somewhat of an education snob at one point in time.

Even if you've never accomplished anything you're particularly proud of your lack of a degree or a college education does not define you.
 
Again thanks all for all the kind suggestions. I am in a book club and an ath/agn/skeptics group but our only meetings are on Zoom which is better than nothing but still nowhere near as good as face2face. And none of the groups around that are still meeting online are taking new members, also all craft (ugh), etc. classes have been suspended. Neither yoga or meditation type stuff appeal to me since you're supposed to be quiet, right? And I wanna talk, lol.

Thanks all for listening. This situation I'm in makes me a member of a large club--you wouldn't believe how many other gals I've talked to who are in this situation with no hope in sight--it's just gotten to me more than ever due to this lockdown.

And thanks also for the kind words, asp, about my lack of coll. degree; but it's not me who defines myself just that way, it's other people, sigh (the education snobs, as you put it). And you also wouldn't believe how many education snobs there are; just ask a blue collar person sometime; they'll have stories to tell. (One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head. True story.)
 
One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head.

SMH! What? No degree, no brains? They don't sound like people I'd want to be with in a book club or any other club. I'd have been relieved to have an excuse not to be a part of that group. Heck, they don't sound like people I'd even want to meet with for coffee.
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head.

SMH! What? No degree, no brains? They don't sound like people I'd want to be with in a book club or any other club. I'd have been relieved to have an excuse not to be a part of that group. Heck, they don't sound like people I'd even want to meet with for coffee.
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I know, right? But unfortunately, I and other blue collar gals I know have run into this a lot. (From what I hear, it doesn't seem to happen as much to blue-collar guys but I could be wrong; chime in here, guys, if it's happened to you.) There was a lot of education snobbery at the Univ. where I worked. One of the professors told me in dead seriousness, "If you wanted to be treated decently in this life, you should've gotten a college degree."
 
Calvin Coolidge quote:
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
 
bowmore said:
Calvin Coolidge quote:
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
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So true; I have definitely met some "educated derelicts."
 
officerripley said:
I know, right? But unfortunately, I and other blue collar gals I know have run into this a lot. (From what I hear, it doesn't seem to happen as much to blue-collar guys but I could be wrong; chime in here, guys, if it's happened to you.) There was a lot of education snobbery at the Univ. where I worked. One of the professors told me in dead seriousness, "If you wanted to be treated decently in this life, you should've gotten a college degree."
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In my whole life, nobody but prospective employers have ever asked me what my education level is. It certainly doesn't come up in polite conversation around here unless people are talking about their old alma mater and football or something.

Why is your education level any of anybody else's business? Why do you tell them?
 
This is just my opinion of course, but if I were in your situation, I would do what your husband is doing....put myself first! You want to move...he doesn't. Is it possible for you to move without him or is money a problem?
From what you say, it's possible that your husband may end up as an invalid with you his sole carer. Then you'll be even more isolated. Think about the future and start making plans now, without him if necessary.
 
officerripley said:
Again thanks all for all the kind suggestions. I am in a book club and an ath/agn/skeptics group but our only meetings are on Zoom which is better than nothing but still nowhere near as good as face2face. And none of the groups around that are still meeting online are taking new members, also all craft (ugh), etc. classes have been suspended. Neither yoga or meditation type stuff appeal to me since you're supposed to be quiet, right? And I wanna talk, lol.

Thanks all for listening. This situation I'm in makes me a member of a large club--you wouldn't believe how many other gals I've talked to who are in this situation with no hope in sight--it's just gotten to me more than ever due to this lockdown.

And thanks also for the kind words, asp, about my lack of coll. degree; but it's not me who defines myself just that way, it's other people, sigh (the education snobs, as you put it). And you also wouldn't believe how many education snobs there are; just ask a blue collar person sometime; they'll have stories to tell. (One person told me that she was discouraged from joining a book club by the women running the book club because they told her that since they read non-fiction sometimes, the books would be over her high-school-diploma-only head. True story.)
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The next time someone mentions you are not a college grad, remind them that neither Bill Gates nor Steve Jobs were either.
 
Would it do any good to have someone give estimates for making adjustments to your home for senior years, i.e. a stair chairlift, walk in shower, wider doorways, grab bars everywhere?
Maybe the cost would be a motivator?
 


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