When Husband Refuses to Downsize

officerripley

officerripley

Well-known Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."

Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)

I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)

I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)

So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.

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I don't know what to suggest officerripley, but I'm sure someone else will have wiser suggestions...sorry you find yourself in this situation.... but a warm welcome to the forum. you'll make friends here ...

AtSrBCe.jpg
 
That does sound like a difficult and frustrating situation. It seems very isolating for you, and with limited options.

I don't know what to suggest either, but I hope others might, and I also hope that you will enjoy our forum and interactions with others, here!

Welcome, officerripley.
 

Us old men do get stubborn, and if I knew the cure I'd surely let you know. In the mean time, I can attest that I spend hours every day on line. This site is my go to, but visit 2 or 3 others several times a day. It isn't the best solution but it keeps me from going bananas.

And welcome
 
Me and my husband moved from the city were we were born and raised in just about 2 years ago. We downsized to make things easier for us. We bought a rancher with no steps except to the basement and we have a chair lift so we can just sit down while going to the basement. It has helped us a great deal by moving. I hope you can convince your husband that moving might just add years to your lives. Good Luck.
 
My concern here is IF he dies behind the wheel of his car - who will he take with him? I'd be taking his keys away now! If he is so angry, perhaps you could speak with his Dr. - sounds like there are other issues he is not sharing with you.

My husband was diagnosed with Parkinsons at 58 and we had planned to move to retire. He worked as long as he could. Fortunately he was on board with the down sizing as long as he could take his music and movie collections and I wanted to take my yarn and fabric. Made for some interesting discussions but we made it happen and settled in quickly to our new home just after he turned 61.
 
Thanks for all the kind, supportive answers. Although I do worry about his driving before too much longer, it seems to be okay right now. I have spoken to his dr. & he suggested to me that Hubs maybe should have a complete physical & brain scan--I told him about the sudden onset of his humming/chuckling/weird noises he's started making and how I hoped it wasn't the start of Alzh. Well, Hubs went in & had the physical & it turned out so well that now the dr. says the humming (or whatever it is) is probably just his nerves and just to hang in there since there's nothing he can prescribe for that (due to the opioid crisis and the fact that Hubs is allergic to marijuana). I'm allergic to marijuana too otherwise since it's legal here with a prescr. I'd use it. I'd love to find something to mellow both of us out, but there's nothing anymore. (Alcohol doesn't do much for either of us anymore.)

Anybody know of any natural calming supplements? We were gonna try KavaKava but heard it causes liver damage.
 
Hello and welcome from New Jersey. I wouldn't mind moving into something smaller while we both can do it. Hubby says he wants to die here.
I love our house but the yard work is really getting out of hand.
I'm not a joiner and hate socializing except with the few family members who are left and also my kids.
I do love working on my many projects and when the hubby and I start to nit pick we just give each other a lot of personal space.
Reading is a great pastime,do you enjoy cooking? maybe gardening? Sewing?Walking?
 
I hate cooking, gardening, sewing and walking around here (it's too hot; I do love to walk along the beach but it's 5 hours away). I do love to read--in fact, I always say that the only thing I can stand (and I can just barely stand) to do with my hands is turn the pages of a book, lol. And I do belong to 1 book club but don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep driving to it; also, although I like most of the gals in this book club a lot, the oldest is about 25 yrs younger than me, they're all still working, etc., so we have very little in common.

So I read a lot & play solitaire online but I'd love to actually *talk* to someone closer in age so we could relate to each other. But every gal I've met in my age group around here is very different from me, either a devoted grandma, religious, conservative or else a highly-educated, retired professional type who've made it clear I'm essentially "uneducated" since I only have a high school diploma.
 
Him:
"You mean the new place wont have a huge shed for all my tools?"

Her:
"No darling, we're downsizing."

Him:
Well, where are you going to keep your 700 pairs of shoes in the new place?"
 
Sorry to hear the sad news. We downsized a few years ago & I am very happy to have done so. We live in an apartment & when I talk to others they are also very happy to downsize & they never miss what they had. It was only "stuff" that you buy & as you get older & older it gets to be a bother. As you get older you will realize that people are a lot more important than things. You really do not need a garage full of stuff & the same for the basement. Our plan was to sell the house & move while we still could. Our philosophy was to go on our own feet rather than get carried out. It helps to have many hobbies & interests such as I do. Watching TV all day is the short & fastest way to the grave. By the way, some men really hate change & they can be very stubborn. I know because I have a brother like that. Good luck! Get rid of the stuff. Liberate yourself & your husband.
 
Officerripley, I can't add much more to the suggestions that have already been made.

You do seem to focus on the negatives rather than the positives when you say that you hate most activities other than reading which is a solitary way to spend time.

First impressions of the women you have met seem to fall under the same umbrella. Perhaps second impressions might find them more favourable, it's nice to have friends with different backgrounds and interests.

You might try to visit a few mobile home community places with hubby, sometimes meeting a few people that live there could be an incentive. That's what I did.

Welcome to the forum, looking forward to posting with you.
 
officerripley said:
We are financially able to move into something smaller and nice (now in a too-large house and on an acre and too far out from town now, so when we can no longer drive at all--coming sooner rather than later--hoo boy). And I don't even want to go to the opposite extreme and move into a tiny apt; I'd be happy with a slightly smaller house & yard or a mobile in a nice park, or a nice little 2 bedrm condo; something where there were people closer in age to us (we're both retired) & maybe they had some activities for residents; our neighborhood now is basically a ghost town 40 hours a week because most of the neighbors are younger & still working. I'm no longer able to volunteer/do clubs, etc. due to driving/health issues & not a churchgoer and I get so darn lonely. But my husband spends most of his time on the golf course; refuses to accept that soon we'll no longer be able to drive (says he's going to drive 'till he drops dead & if that's behind the wheel, so be it); this is not only the nicest place he's ever lived, it's the *only* nice place he's ever lived; so he flat refuses to move; says he's sorry I'm lonely in this neighborhood but "oh well."

Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)

I do spend time online which helps only a tiny bit with the loneliness; I'd rather have face-to-face social contacts but as I said above, harder & harder for me to get out & our taxi/uber situation here is subpar. (All of the groups around here for gals in my age group anyway seem to be grandkid or artsy/crafty things, neither of which applies to me.)

I've tried talking & talking to him about this but he just gets angrier & angrier. (And now, he recently found out his younger brother has terminal cancer, so his emotional state is even more iffy.)

So any suggestions? And thanks for listening anyway.

--
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Honestly. Downsizing is not as great as you might think it is. I sold my house and what I miss most is the privacy and the storage space. There is a lot involved in downsizing. You have to get rid of a lot of stuff before you move and that's not easy.

I notice he likes to golf. That's important to the health and that's also hard to give up.

The only advice I can give you at this time since having lost my wife is to enjoy yourselves together while you can. There's no going back and wishing about it.

When you move you don't know what you are going to get into. You might get neighbors from hell. The place you buy may be a nightmare to maintain. There's no guarantee. So better the devil you know if you get my drift.

I'm speaking from experience. Moving into a smaller space means no room for storage. A nightmare for me.

The bottom line is health.
 
hi officerripply' it could be he is hesitant about not playing on hes beloved turf like men do ...
sad to know you are lonely ' but so glad you joined this forum ' go on line and try to find a smaller place
near a golf resort -must be some round --men can be such a blasted pain in ar--- I' d know 'born
with a stubbornness streak '

and if he wants to drive so be it -he knows best !!!
 
Not helping here, sorry, but that's ONE of the many reasons why I never remarried, I'm not good at compromising. I like freedom to lead my life "my way". I've found that marriages and relationships always have one alpha and one omega, the omega always acquiesces to the needs and demands of the alpha. Seems your husband is the alpha. I don't have any solutions to your dilemma, sorry.
 
Camper6 said:
I always question the obvious. You must have been on the same wavelength when you move into a place. If you chose a rural existence is because you like that sort of lifestyle.
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People change. I always wanted a big backyard and now wish I had a tiny one. Fifteen years ago I wanted to learn to garden and my lower back didn't hurt, I had all kinds of energy. I don't know how long ago this couple bought their property, but now they're older and she no longer wants to drive, it's a different perspective she has now.
 
Catlady said:
People change. I always wanted a big backyard and now wish I had a tiny one. Fifteen years ago I wanted to learn to garden and my lower back didn't hurt, I had all kinds of energy. I don't know how long ago this couple bought their property, but now they're older and she no longer wants to drive, it's a different perspective she has now.
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It's tough when one wants to change. I'm going by my personal experience. I remember a friend who bought rural property and he was constantly driving everyone into town. So he just moved back. So the rural life didn't fit but that's what everyone wanted or thought they wanted. Rural living depends on transportation heavily. Urban living not so much. So if you can solve that problem you have it beat. But remember what I said. Enjoy your togetherness while you can.
 
Bonnie said:
I understand your husband's stubbornness @officerripley
A few years before I lost my husband, I tried in vain to get him to consider a smaller home or apt. ... was like talking to a wall.
There was nothing that would budge him! So we stayed put ....

Well, seven years later, I'm in that apartment now, and wish he was here to enjoy this lifestyle too.
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He enjoyed the last few years of his life.
 

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