When Husband Refuses to Downsize

Welcome, Officerripley! Any friend of the Diva is a friend of mine!

I have wanted to ditch our over-large house and pool for a few years, but hubby has been resistant. As things are turning out, it's probably better for us to stay here because our kids have set up permanent roots nearby.

You might give Nextdoor.com a whirl. While it's mostly a bunch of people whining about politics, potholes, and trivial neighborhood nonsense, it can also be used to find new local connections based on common interests.

Wishing you luck.
 
Last edited:
I appreciate the kind words. I did get some really good, but unattainable, advice online a few years back: the gal told me that with the kind of interests/pol. leanings, etc. I had, that I'd probably be much happier living in or a lot closer to a big city (which I grew up in). Which she was completely right about; but even if Hubs would agree, we couldn't afford it. That's something that happens a lot; if people move away from a large city area to a smaller one, they'll have to spend the rest of their life there (whether they want/need to or not) because almost no one can afford--espec. on a retirement income--to move from a cheaper area to a more expensive one, even if they orig. came from the more expensive area like I did.

Another thing that helps somewhat is knowing I'm not alone; you wouldn't believe how more & more gals I talk to--usually online; like I said above, all of the gals in my age group around here seem to just love, getting out in the hot sunshine & pulling weeds (ugh!) or only socializing through church; or they're the retired professional types who are driving down to the big city every weekend--when they can't drive anymore, they'll be able to afford to move there--spending whole summer in Europe, etc. But I've met a lot of gals online who are in my situation, living in a place they can't stand for various reasons but married to some1 who loves it & refuses to move; or else sometimes they're single but somehow stranded themselves in a rural or inexpensive area & are now longing to get back to the city area they grew up in and have family, old friends there but can't afford to move back. So I'm a member of a large club, I keep hearing more and more.
 
StarSong said:
Welcome, Officerripley! Any friend of the Diva is a friend of mine!

I have wanted to ditch our over-large house and pool for a few years, but hubby has been resistant. As things are turning out, it's probably better for us to stay here because our kids have set up permanent roots nearby.

You might give Nextdoor.com a whirl. While it's mostly a bunch of people whining about politics, potholes, and trivial neighborhood nonsense, it can also be used to find new local connections based on common interests.

Wishing you luck.
Click to expand...
Awwww...Thank you Star. You're so sweet. :love:
 
officerripley said:
Oh, and we've never had kids, so none that can try to help me convince him to move to somewhere we'll both be happy. (I hear that even if you do have kids, that doesn't always work anyway.)
Click to expand...
Well Officer...there goes what I was going to suggest! 😔 I'm so sorry you are going through this. Now that his brother has terminal cancer, I'm sure his emotions are way to volatile to broach the subject again anytime soon. Older men can be so set in their ways and tend not to listen, even when the advice is for their own good.

Loneliness is such a sad state. Are there any senior centers in your area? If so, do they provide transportation? I'm wondering...would it be a worthwhile trade off to go to the artsy classes (even though you aren't an artsy person) if you wound up making a friend or two? Sometimes we think we don't want to do something but once we do it, we find we've enjoyed ourselves. And I know what you mean about city living...costs are so prohibitive, especially for seniors who aren't on the wealthy side.
 
Welcome officeripley

Both retired & no children seems like no conversation about downsizing well ahead of retirement. No input about whether or not your home is mortgage free. No input about if you think the value of your home would cover new smaller home, apartment, or condo & moving expenses. Don't want to be nosy but any savings to augment soc. sec.?

Lots of variables that would have been nice to have settled before retirement. I can't offer any advice since all the details that should be worked out before retiring my wife & I did.
 
I did try talking to Hubs before retirement about this but he refused to; he kept saying it wouldn't be an issue since he didn't expect to live much (if any) after retirement since his mom died at 59 and his dad at 56 bla bla there was no need to discuss it, I could do whatever the heck I wanted after he was gone, bla bla. (He's 73 now, just had a complete physical & got a clean bill of health.) I did keep trying to remind him that with no kids we needed to plan ahead even more maybe than people *with* kids to possibly help; but nope, nothing doing, refused to discuss it since he figured he wouldn't be around that long. (He does come from a long line of heavy cig.-smokers who distrusted doctors and thought anybody who lived to be 70 was lucky but ancient and on borrowed time.)

Our home is mortgage-free and we do have savings in addition to Social Sec., so moving expenses etc. would not be a problem; he just doesn't want to, says he wants to be carried feet-first out of here. I've tried asking what about me if he goes first, left in this too-big place all by myself trying to sell it for a reasonable price & get moved somewhere more suitable all on my own and he says that'll be my problem, that that'll be what I get for living longer than him. And then he laughs & says he's only kidding. (Hell hath no fury like somebody who grew up poor enough to have to live in their car part of the time and now has something that he did admittedly work hard for but now can't stand even the thought of turning loose of even one cent of it. Sigh.)
 
We lived in a one story townhouse in a 55+ community in Arizona that had 7 golf courses. It was legal to drive golf carts on the street. Our townhouse was a condo, so I had no exterior maintenance to deal with. There were also single family homes as well. There were more than 100 clubs and groups, so there were activities for everyone including a theater with shows and movies.
 
That sounds like a wonderful place, Manatee. Similar places to that here in Calif.--where everything is more expensive it seems--would more than we could afford. But what I've been thinking that we could maybe find something (condo complex, mobile home park, etc.) not as fancy but still a little bit along those lines; but Hubs thinks a place like that sounds awful; says he gets all the socializing he wants on the golf course.
 
officeripley the explanation fills in some of the what is happening. At this point my advice would be.
1. Start now discovering what your home value is.
2.Make a list of what you think you would need to take with you when you move.
3. Check out burial expense where you live.
4. Calculate what your income will be if your husband does die 1st.

Of course with your husbands clean bill of health it may be years until you get to live the life you want, but getting ready now gives you something to look forward to.

Side note. My parents and 3 brothers all died before reaching the age of 62. I am 79 & in great health. We downsized & moved to where we want to live & have been enjoying retirement for 25 years. We moved from a 5 bedroom bi-level with 3 car external garage on 8 acres. to a 3 bedroom 2 car garage rancher close to stores, dental, doctors office, fitness center. No maintenance stucco exterior & tile roof, desert landscape no maintenance.
 
Unless you really love this man, you should do what makes you happy. We all have certain needs. If our emotional needs aren't being met, it can be very destructive to a marriage. The fact that he thinks it's a joke because you're stuck in a place you don't like and may have to deal with making the move on your own, plus settling the property that you have now, really tells me that perhaps he doesn't really care about anyone, except himself. He sounds very disrespectful to me.

Maybe you should go find yourself a place that will make you happy and then show it to him and tell him, "I don't know how I would get along without you, dear, but starting next month, I'm going to find out."

Good luck.
 
oldman said:
Unless you really love this man, you should do what makes you happy. We all have certain needs. If our emotional needs aren't being met, it can be very destructive to a marriage. The fact that he thinks it's a joke because you're stuck in a place you don't like and may have to deal with making the move on your own, plus settling the property that you have now, really tells me that perhaps he doesn't really care about anyone, except himself. He sounds very disrespectful to me.

Maybe you should go find yourself a place that will make you happy and then show it to him and tell him, "I don't know how I would get along without you, dear, but starting next month, I'm going to find out."

Good luck.
Click to expand...
That is extremely poor advice. Divorce or separation is the most destructive stressful event next to loss of a partner.
It won't make you happier.
 
Camper6 said:
That is extremely poor advice. Divorce or separation is the most destructive stressful event next to loss of a partner.
It won't make you happier.
Click to expand...
I have to disagree (to a degree) Camper. Living with someone who doesn't care what you think, what your needs are and has a I got mine, damn if you get yours attitude is a terrible way to have to live...day in and day out for who knows how long. That kind of treatment diminishes a person and can eat away at one's self esteem. She feels isolated but he doesn't care. She's lonely but he doesn't care. He has a social life, she's devoid of one, but he doesn't care. She's my friend and I care. I don't think anyone should have to live like that, let alone someone I call a friend. The main problem with the idea of walking away is the house (if it's co-owned) and the complications it would cause. Also there's that love thing and finding another affordable place to live. I'm friends with someone of FB who had the same type of husband...totally selfish (and hers was mean) she was miserable. She finally left him. She's so relieved, happy and is now living her best life.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I have to disagree (to a degree) Camper. Living with someone who doesn't care what you think, what your needs are and has a I got mine, damn if you get yours attitude is a terrible way to have to live...day in and day out for who knows how long. That kind of treatment diminishes a person and can eat away at one's self esteem. She feels isolated but he doesn't care. She's lonely but he doesn't care. He has a social life, she's devoid of one, but he doesn't care. She's my friend and I care. I don't think anyone should have to live like that, let alone someone I call a friend. The main problem with the idea of walking away is the house (if it's co-owned) and the complications it would cause. Also there's that love thing and finding another affordable place to live. I'm friends with someone of FB who had the same type of husband...totally selfish (and hers was mean) she was miserable. She finally left him. She's so relieved, happy and is now living her best life.
Click to expand...
I still say divorce is devastating and it's a bitch to be alone.
They were happy to move where they did and lived together. So who changed? What about his needs? I know guys who moved to please their spouse. They tell me they would move back in a second. She feel isolated now? What about before? I already stat d. Go find the dream place and price it out. He might change his mind. My wife and I had the perfect solution. She played tennis and made friends. I played golf.The worst day of my life is when I had to sell and live alone. Women live longer than men. Go to any casino and you will see what I am talking about.
 
Camper6 said:
I still say divorce is devastating and it's a bitch to be alone.
They were happy to move where they did and lived together. So who changed? What about his needs? I know guys who moved to please their spouse. They tell me they would move back in a second. She feel isolated now? What about before? I already stat d. Go find the dream place and price it out. He might change his mind. My wife and I had the perfect solution. She played tennis and made friends. I played golf.The worst day of my life is when I had to sell and live alone. Women live longer than men. Go to any casino and you will see what I am talking about.
Click to expand...

It's also a bitch to be stuck in a place you hate with someone who does not give a fig about your needs and wants.
 
Camper6 said:
I still say divorce is devastating and it's a bitch to be alone.
Click to expand...
When circumstances change choices are made to adjust to the change. For sure it's a bitch to be alone but to be with someone that deny's you the equality to live your best life can be an even greater bitch. Thankfully I've never experienced that as a problem.
 
There's a saying "Bloom where you're planted"

In other words the OP should either try to make her present situation more to her liking or make the decision to uproot herself.

The problem is that once done, going backwards is not an option, as someone said, we are only hearing one side.
 


Back
Top