Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

debodun

debodun

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Location
way upstate in New York, USA
At our family Christmas party, the topic of conversation drifted onto the topic of largesse, given that you found yourself in an abundant financial position. Most people said the usual things like church, veteran's groups, medical research, etc.

Someone brought up a battered women's shelter. I piped in that I had no sympathy for battered women since they had every option to get out of a bad relationship - there is no reason to stay with an abusive partner. Well, a female cousin of mine proceeded to give a 20 minute tirade to me about women in abusive relationships and citing that many women had no option as they were financially and emotionally dependent on their partner. Then she added, "I can see why you wouldn't understand being an old maid yourself!"

She can argue about it until St. Patrick's Day - I am not convinced. What's your take?
 

As a therapist, I have worked with abused women for over two decades. Rarely is their situation cut and dried. Even if they have the financial capacity to remove themselves and whatever children may be involved from the relationship, the emotional

strength to overcome traumatic/brainwashing effects of often prolonged physical/emotional/sexual abuse, there often remains the probability of being killed by their abuser. For those who have never been abused, it can be difficult to understand the complex victimology perpetrated by violent, manipulative abusers. Many of these women come from hellish backgrounds, where they were abused as children. It is unfair to blame them for their circumstances.
 
I've never been abused by a man and I can firmly say that I'd never tolerate it. BUT, I was raised in a non-abusive household, so I wasn't raised thinking abuse was "normal". I guess if you grow up seeing your father abuse your mother and watching her put up with it, you would think that was normal. I don't pretend to know what is in the minds of women who stay with their abusers.....I don't understand the mind-set but I do know it is there.
 
I can't say I fully understand it, but a lot of the time women do stay with their abusers. It's not always easy to get away. They sometimes don't realize what's happening as it can be a gradual process--they successfully isolate them from family and friends which can take time. The abuser will also degrade the woman until her self-confidence becomes non-existent.

Some women are in love with their abusers and believe things might improve but it never does. Unfortunately, the longer they are together, the more difficult it is to get away. They may be threatened and fearful of leaving. They may try to leave but are located and threatened again. Lack of self-esteem leads to hopelessness. They may believe there is no way out. This becomes their reality.

I know this because I watched my Mother in an abusive relationship and it tore our family apart. (My parents were divorced) This went on for over thirty years. This man was an alcoholic and always carried a loaded gun with him. My older siblings became estranged but I felt an obligation to watch over her. He once held a loaded gun to my head and I told him to go ahead and he laughed! He beat her but she would deny it, he was rough and treated her mean. She would move to different places but he always found her. Finally, we were able to get her into a retirement apartment with security. To my knowledge, he never got in there but later found out there was contact. He became ill and was dying and I believe she visited him on his death bed.

It's hard to understand, I know. I still can't say I do but her story is not unlike many others. The only thing I can tell you is I've seen it up close and it has affected my life as well. It is important to recognize what's happening if you come in contact with a situation like this--know the warning signs. They can be real charmers, especially in the beginning. Just imagine when there are children involved. If it were easy, those shelters would not be in operation.
 
If the difficulty in leaving an abusive relationship is real for an individual then it should not be minimized or scoffed at. We all have difficulty dealing with certain situations in our lives and those situations are very real to each of us. We need to be open to the difficulties that others face, show some respect and offer assistance where we can.

I wonder how many others in the group may have been too timid to "pipe up" the way your cousin did.
 
Like others have said, there could be financial reasons or worry about the children involved. I think some women are just afraid to leave their husbands/boyfriends, because of threats that they would hunt them down or kill them if they left. You know the saying, 'if I can't have you, nobody will'.

I wouldn't tolerate abuse, and when I was a teen and saw some red flags go up with a guy I was seeing, I got out of the relationship asap. I can't see living like that, life is too short to spend it terrified of someone you live with and walking on eggs not to anger them. I do feel for the women in these situations though and in no way blame them. Reasons that they stay are obviously very involved to make any judgements.
 
<<<Blood pressure rising and feeling almost instantly queasy>>>

Be happy for yourself being independent and single with a house and well established job history. Be happy for yourself that you've never experienced physical violence. But if someone has a partner that turns on them one day they can lose everything just like that. It boils down to who has the best lawyer, what part of the country you live in, how much evidence do you have. Remember they can't arrest someone until they break the law.

If your partner has you pushed against the wall waving a shotgun in your face. It might scare you to pieces but they really haven't broken any laws...yet. You can get a restraining order. But a bunch of women have died with the restraining order in their hands. If your partner kills your family pets to get back at you. They haven't really broken a major law, they might get fined for animal cruelty. That makes them want revenge even more.

Often the perpetrators of domestic violence see themselves in a twisted way as the victim. The actual victim might get little sympathy. Small town PA even twenty years ago had a "stitch rule". The police would not make an arrest unless there was enough damage for a set number of stitches. Otherwise they would arrest both partners and jail them as a public disturbance. Even now it's not much better.

I used to think I could be a shelter counselor, but now I realize I couldn't do it. There are women in shelters who might have children besides. If they try to leave their abuser the social system will collapse on them. You can't tell some of them they can be free from abuse...because for some of them they can't. Off my soap box GRRRR rufffff
 
fureverywhere said:
<<<blood pressure rising and feeling almost instantly queasy>>>

be happy for yourself being independent and single with a house and well established job history. Be happy for yourself that you've never experienced physical violence. But if someone has a partner that turns on them one day they can lose everything just like that. It boils down to who has the best lawyer, what part of the country you live in, how much evidence do you have. Remember they can't arrest someone until they break the law.

If your partner has you pushed against the wall waving a shotgun in your face. It might scare you to pieces but they really haven't broken any laws...yet. You can get a restraining order. But a bunch of women have died with the restraining order in their hands. If your partner kills your family pets to get back at you. They haven't really broken a major law, they might get fined for animal cruelty. That makes them want revenge even more.

Often the perpetrators of domestic violence see themselves in a twisted way as the victim. The actual victim might get little sympathy. Small town pa even twenty years ago had a "stitch rule". The police would not make an arrest unless there was enough damage for a set number of stitches. Otherwise they would arrest both partners and jail them as a public disturbance. Even now it's not much better.

I used to think i could be a shelter counselor, but now i realize i couldn't do it. There are women in shelters who might have children besides. If they try to leave their abuser the social system will collapse on them. You can't tell some of them they can be free from abuse...because for some of them they can't. Off my soap box grrrr rufffff
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qft.
 
This is also an opening call to you to learn more about this issue and to find empathy for women in these situations. Whether they've sought refuge at a shelter or not, you may be unaware that you may know women in your community in abusive relationships who are afraid to tell anyone and afraid to get help. Supporting a women's shelter is a way to answer the question: if a woman came to you and asked for help getting away from her abusive husband, what would you do?
 
I also worked with victim of domestic violence and agree as others have said it is not as cut and dried as one would think. Sometimes it happens so gradually that it is very hard to realize in the beginning just what is happening. If your partner ups and punches you right out of the blue it is pretty obvious but if the abuser starts with very small things like he doesn't like you wearing blue so you wear something else, it can be as small as that. Then perhaps he isn't keen on your best friend so you avoid inviting her over and so on and so on. At what point do you realize that this is an abusive man . Most folks think abusers are hitters, it s not always the case. A woman can be stripped of her dignity, her self esteem , her confidence . her family even her health and when she finally realizes what is happening so much has been taken away that it is very hard to leave. It takes money to go but it also takes a lot of courage and many abused women have long ago lost that .

It is a very complex problem and the womens shelters do a lot more than put a roof over a victims head, they need all the money they can get. Some women literally run, they take nothing,the shelters are life savers for some women.
 
I was once assaulted by the abusive ex husband of one of my clients. Imagine what he would have done to her or their children had I divulged their whereabouts? He was a rage machine looking to erupt. Btw, he was also a highly respected surgeon.
 
Shalimar, you have just brought forward another myth..It is a common mistake that abused women are from poor backgrounds, it just isn't so is it.

I remember one woman whose husband was a well known lawyer. She herself had also been a lawyer for several years before she married but gradually she was brought down to think of herself as worthless.

So much for the theory that women staying in bad relationships are stupid.

I was never assaulted but I once put myself between a man and his wife with three children, I was in a doorway refusing him entry, he raised his fist but I stood my ground and he decided against it, I was never so scared in all my life. It was a neighbor and she ran to my house when he was hurting her. I know exactly what you mean about rage machine, this man was screaming so hard he was spitting
 
Jeannine said:
I also worked with victim of domestic violence and agree as others have said it is not as cut and dried as one would think. Sometimes it happens so gradually that it is very hard to realize in the beginning just what is happening. If your partner ups and punches you right out of the blue it is pretty obvious but if the abuser starts with very small things like he doesn't like you wearing blue so you wear something else, it can be as small as that. Then perhaps he isn't keen on your best friend so you avoid inviting her over and so on and so on. At what point do you realize that this is an abusive man . Most folks think abusers are hitters, it s not always the case. A woman can be stripped of her dignity, her self esteem , her confidence . her family even her health and when she finally realizes what is happening so much has been taken away that it is very hard to leave. It takes money to go but it also takes a lot of courage and many abused women have long ago lost that .

It is a very complex problem and the womens shelters do a lot more than put a roof over a victims head, they need all the money they can get. Some women literally run, they take nothing,the shelters are life savers for some women.
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I agree Jeannine, it's not always physical, many times it's mental and emotional abuse. They wear the woman's self-esteem down, and want ultimate control. I've seen many shows on TV about women (and men) being abused by their partners. Thankfully, I haven't suffered any abuse or known anyone personally who was a victim.
 
I remember a woman I got to know in South Carolina. Two black eyes and two young children who watched Daddy push Mommy into the empty bathtub and beat her senseless. He was a state senator. Abuse isn't about economic groups.
 
Adding to these poor women...Mrs. Senator was fretting " He's starting to cut off my credit cards."...what about the kid's school tuition? My car payments? Our winter and summer properties? Our mutual investments?...

There was a Latina Mami. She and both kids were up and perfectly groomed by 7am. She to house cleaning and the children to school. I really don't know who survived better out there.
 
As I was writing I actually thought about writing he/she..you are of course absolutely right but the statistics are very much higher for a woman being abused. This of course does not lessen the man's plight. I am glad they were able to get out
 
Someone close to me was in an abusive relationship for about 20 years. Why did she stay? Because he told her if she ever left him he would track her and the kids down and kill them. She had good reason to believe he was capable of that. She "escaped" when he was killed in a car accident.


Check out the statistics...........the most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is when they leave.
 
mitchezz said:
Someone close to me was in an abusive relationship for about 20 years. Why did she stay? Because he told her if she ever left him he would track her and the kids down and kill them. She had good reason to believe he was capable of that. She "escaped" when he was killed in a car accident.


Check out the statistics...........the most dangerous time for a domestic violence victim is when they leave.
Click to expand...
QFT. I have been to three such dv funerals in the past two years. In two of them, children were murdered also. If the abuser has resources, the capacity to hire investigators, it is very difficult for the victims to escape for long.
 
We have a tragic case in my city now, a neurosurgeon is charged with murdering his doctor wife, after previous assaults. The family is devastated as are the patients of these two doctors and all friends and colleagues. Maybe he just flipped out one day, or maybe he has been abusive all along. I believe that abused women stay because of the children, the death threats if she leaves, the social factor (religion), shame, economic reasons and of course emotional attachment/addiction to the partner.
 
bluebreezes said:
This is also an opening call to you to learn more about this issue and to find empathy for women in these situations. Whether they've sought refuge at a shelter or not, you may be unaware that you may know women in your community in abusive relationships who are afraid to tell anyone and afraid to get help. Supporting a women's shelter is a way to answer the question: if a woman came to you and asked for help getting away from her abusive husband, what would you do?
Click to expand...

Absolutely this! There are so many reasons why it can be difficult for a person to extricate herself from an abusive situation.
 
This topic came up at work one time. I mentioned at that time if I saw my partner's fist coming at me, it would be one of the last thing's he'd see. One of my co-workers (a man) said, "Now I see why you're not married!"
 
That is terrible I hope you told him so/.The trouble is the fist coming is what most people think about when domestic abuse is mentioned.,. There are many signs of domestic abuse and as long as that is the case many women don't feel they have the right to complain or leave. There are so many signs of domestic abuse that if folks educate themselves as to what they are it can benefit oneself and the friends and neighbors around you. Most often women won't tell anyone but will confide in a friend if that friend has figured it out

This is something I feel very passionate about and feel everyone should be aware. There could be folks reading this as we speak that are in such a situation and don't know what to do. Please try and reach out to someone if that is the case, please.
 

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